ShadowedChaos
LostSoul
- Oct 2, 2024
- 36
I feel myself questioning everything as I'm falling down. All that surrounds me is darkness every light that shines through isn't enough to light it all up. There's dark corners of my mind I can't crawl out of, this pain that is eating and tearing me apart it's destroying me what is this mental agony and torture. I feel like suicide for me is just what's meant to be with everything that has happened am I supposed to even be here alive. Who am I what am I supposed to do keep just acting normal while it's getting bad again getting to a place I don't think this time I'm gonna be able to pull myself back from. I feel it the same way I did all those years ago during those attempts where I wanted nothing more than to die to not be here anymore to not feel the pain. I never feel like I'm enough or that I even belong. How can I get along with everybody but never belong and still hate myself. If I have all these redeeming qualities why don't I fucking see them. I'm trying so hard to not go back to self destructive tendencies but I don't know what else to do anymore I tried doing what I could I really did. Am I just worthless and trapped in a cycle of suffering for the amusement of the world. I've been slowly ramping up how many of my meds I've been taking. I don't want to be scared or terrified anymore I just want to be free to be happy to be able to feel alive again. I feel like a failure to everyone and everything around me. I'm not that important but then why do I feel that everything's my fault and even when I know shit isn't it's easier to believe it is. I don't wanna talk around in circle or repeat everything that I've been saying. I hate how people viewed me in the past, I've been told I cared too much, I didn't care enough, I dont show enough emotion, I show too much emotion, I'm heartless, I'm cold, that I'm sweet, that I'm an amazing soul, that I don't deserve happiness, or that I do deserve happiness, I've been always just the person someone can't let go off and just hold onto me as long as they can then drop me as it becomes convenient or when I'm at my lowest that's fine but fuck. I'm tired of life torturing me endlessly making me feel like I'm going insane because of how much I feel and remember and think about. I hate it i hate being that person people look at and feel sorry for like I'm just damaged and broken I've tried fixing the parts and putting the cogs back together in the right places but I just can't keep up. I don't wanna do this anymore I'm tired at least I can scream into the void. I'm sorry world. I don't know what or who I'm meant to be. Maybe I shouldn't of gotten in all those relationships after I got one taste of any sort of affection it was intoxicating. I chased that feeling for so long and then when I realized it made me empty I just really wanted connection. Why was I such a hopeless romantic why do I fall so fucking hard and can't let go so easily some people it's so easy too but there's some people where I dont care if they carry my dead self and they can use and abuse me how they want. I hate that and no therapist or anyone in my real life will ever hear me admit that. You ever spoke about your trauma and have it used against you to see the same hands you handed the blade thrust it into your chest without hesitation. I've fucked up my whole life not on purpose just because my mental got too intense. I had to much that any sane person would eventually go insane from. I stay self aware but it doesn't help anymore it makes it worse if anything. I've spent so much time researching methods and everything else before I even first knew of sasu it's how I actually found out about sasu was when I was researching information for an attempt. I can't even cut how I want to anymore I used to shred every part of me now I have to stop myself from taking my blade to my throat and just slitting it over and over again just to feel something just to feel like maybe I could be okay for one second. To feel all the blood drip down my arms and neck too feel my head pound so hard that I get sick to my stomach and can't stand. If I let everyone know for so long how I feel just because I don't always show it they don't believe it but then as soon as I end up hospitalized and feel so alone and done with everything all the sudden everyone cares they're so sorry and the love and care about me what the actual fuck. I don't want fake affection but I'm starting to crave the feeling of being wanted and useful no matter what that is. It's a dangerous mindset because once I start down a path of self destruction and feeling like this exact feeling that's been sitting inside of me usually at least I notice it and try to stop it or it leads to a path where it just ramps and ramps until eventually I can't or won't take it anymore I'm trying to do everything I can to live a so called worthwhile life but I just I can't anymore something always happens and destroys everything I worked so hard for. I don't know what these next few days may bring or next week but I feel my time is coming soon I feel this dread this sense of impending doom and certainty in actions that I don't even know if I want to pull myself back from this ledge. I don't really have anything to live for not truly if I died the moce goes on and I dont even believe anyone or people close to me would even be that affected no one would even notice I was gone. I don't want to make dumb decisions so I'm still stopping myself but suicide isn't even a bad decision to me anymore it seems like the solution they say it's not an option but it feels like itll at least take away all this pain and not allow anymore space for pain or hurt to happe. I don't even think drugs could numb my pain at this point maybe I need a lobotomy to feel alright. Ive been staying up for long times again and avoiding sleep or Moreno avoiding the days I had one more shot and I feel and fear I made a mistake. I feel stupid that I could make the same mistakes over and over again. Why do some people just absolutely disdain me just for being my genuine self but if I act how they want me too then I'm something. If I live for others people will tell me you should only live for yourself but if that's what it's based on I don't know if that means much. I don't feel like I matter a lot I think I'm getting to a point where I just want to let go and sleep for as long as I can just take a bunch of pills and just rest then wake up and finish the job. I have options. But I guess I don't really want to be alone in my final moments this time every other time I was but idk I still will probably go about it alone idk I wouldn't want to put another person through that especially if theyre only talking to me or there for support comfort or something. Maybe there's a part of me that feels I deserve to die alone that it will set everything correct and maybe doing it will put the people in my life onto the right path they can miss me and I can go if that means they are all better for it. It feels like my death would be a net benefit I hate myself for feeling this way for failing younger me.
