Venting i don’t know how to live anymore

[gothfairy]

i feel like i've lost all hope. i'm taking lithium and there was a time when starting that medication saved my life and stopped all my SI completely but something changed and it has now come back even worse than before. every second of the day i'm dreaming about drinking SN or shallow water blacking out and wishing i had the courage. i'm thinking maybe during winter break i'll make my attempt because i don't want to make it this month or early next month and fail and get sent to an institution and get kicked out of college. its only community college but it still matters to me.
i just wish there was a way for this to all go away. a part of me wishes that i could have a normal life and be happy but i just dont think thats possible anymore.
anyway, im just hoping to provide this rant so maybe some people can feel less alone and relate to me or maybe get some advice on preparing for goodbyes and getting ready to ctb.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear!!!!!!
Big pharma drugs harm the entire body, lithium is no exception! I'm not saying to stop it but I do think it can make someone more depressed. How much are you taking? I think the body reacts to meds and eventually builds up a defence to it and makes it less effective
Peace/hugs

 

[gothfairy]

Sorry to hear!!!!!!
Big pharma drugs harm the entire body, lithium is no exception! I'm not saying to stop it but I do think it can make someone more depressed. How much are you taking? I think the body reacts to meds and eventually builds up a defence to it and makes it less effective
Peace/hugs❤

im taking 900mg a day... a shit ton

 

[Nem]

im taking 900mg a day... a shit ton

Well, I don't think it's a great idea to stop but maybe it's something else too? I'd be embarrassed to be a dr and have such archaic resources on hand. Mental illness isn't a joke, the people that treat it are!!!
Peace/hugs

 

[jefferson]

My wellbutrin worked great... for a few months. Now even though the dose got increased it seems to have no effect. Probably gonna switch to an ssri instead.

 

[Lilanel]

I'm sorry to hear that. I totally understand how you're feeling—many times I've wished that I could press a button and fix whatever is wrong inside me. It's a whole lot more complicated than it looks, than people tell you, and there's enough in the world to make you realize that the way life doles out happiness is arbitrary.

I find CTB to be a serious decision, warranting serious thought. I don't know how you felt when you took the lithium, if you felt "happy" (whatever that means to you), but I might try discussing your dosage and/or other options with the doctor that prescribed it. If you decide this, be careful not to disclose that you are feeling suicidal. Just say that the effect has worn off and you want to try something else.

If you have no doubts as to the path you want to take, all the power to you. Doubt is what keeps a lot of people back.

 

[Darkhaven]

I love that profile pic!!!

 

[gothfairy]

I'm sorry to hear that. I totally understand how you're feeling—many times I've wished that I could press a button and fix whatever is wrong inside me. It's a whole lot more complicated than it looks, than people tell you, and there's enough in the world to make you realize that the way life doles out happiness is arbitrary.

I find CTB to be a serious decision, warranting serious thought. I don't know how you felt when you took the lithium, if you felt "happy" (whatever that means to you), but I might try discussing your dosage and/or other options with the doctor that prescribed it. If you decide this, be careful not to disclose that you are feeling suicidal. Just say that the effect has worn off and you want to try something else.

If you have no doubts as to the path you want to take, all the power to you. Doubt is what keeps a lot of people back.

i didnt really feel happy when i was first on lithium, more just not suicidal. i havent felt happy since i was maybe 12. my psychiatrist is wary of messing with the lithium because she knows how much it has helped me in the past. i dont know. i do have doubts but im trying to work through them. thank you

My wellbutrin worked great... for a few months. Now even though the dose got increased it seems to have no effect. Probably gonna switch to an ssri instead.

wellbutrin gave me 3 panic attacks a day when i tried it. crazy how meds work differently for different people