Alias Pluto
Member
- Nov 29, 2020
- 65
I'm addicted to benzos. Clonazepam. I take them to get through the day. Sometimes they barely work. I hate that I need them. I hate the fear of withdrawal. I hate that my life revolves around them.
I'm lonely. I feel invisible. I crave someone who actually sees me, who cares. But everyone's gone, or I've pushed them away. I want connection, but I can't reach it.
Being a parent is also there. I love my kid, but even feeding him is a struggle. I barely have energy to make meals, let alone get him to eat healthy. Laundry piles up, groceries are impossible, small tasks feel like climbing mountains. I feel like I fail at everything.
Work is a grind I can't escape. I sit through hours that feel meaningless, counting the clock, wondering why I keep going.
I'm depressed. Constantly. Regret, guilt, grief—they never stop. I've tried a lot of things—I used to write a ton of music, I recently wrote a ton of short stories and got burned out—but it all feels pointless. I used to run everyday for 1-2 hours but I just suddenly stopped caring after a meltdown in December. Nothing matters. I can't see a way forward.
I want intimacy, desire, connection. But I feel broken, old, worn out. Opportunities I could have had are gone. I can't imagine starting over.
Even surviving is exhausting. Storms, floods, daily chores, keeping my house semi-functional—it all feels like too much. I hate myself for needing help, for needing anything at all.
Everything I've tried feels like failure. My youth is gone. The things I wanted are gone. Even my attempts at creativity remind me I don't matter. I feel trapped in a loop: survive, work, parent, exist. Nothing has meaning. I just want to be gone. I ordered SN, it's going to arrive in a few days. I hope I find the courage to go through with it. <3
I'm lonely. I feel invisible. I crave someone who actually sees me, who cares. But everyone's gone, or I've pushed them away. I want connection, but I can't reach it.
Being a parent is also there. I love my kid, but even feeding him is a struggle. I barely have energy to make meals, let alone get him to eat healthy. Laundry piles up, groceries are impossible, small tasks feel like climbing mountains. I feel like I fail at everything.
Work is a grind I can't escape. I sit through hours that feel meaningless, counting the clock, wondering why I keep going.
I'm depressed. Constantly. Regret, guilt, grief—they never stop. I've tried a lot of things—I used to write a ton of music, I recently wrote a ton of short stories and got burned out—but it all feels pointless. I used to run everyday for 1-2 hours but I just suddenly stopped caring after a meltdown in December. Nothing matters. I can't see a way forward.
I want intimacy, desire, connection. But I feel broken, old, worn out. Opportunities I could have had are gone. I can't imagine starting over.
Even surviving is exhausting. Storms, floods, daily chores, keeping my house semi-functional—it all feels like too much. I hate myself for needing help, for needing anything at all.
Everything I've tried feels like failure. My youth is gone. The things I wanted are gone. Even my attempts at creativity remind me I don't matter. I feel trapped in a loop: survive, work, parent, exist. Nothing has meaning. I just want to be gone. I ordered SN, it's going to arrive in a few days. I hope I find the courage to go through with it. <3
