Venting. I plan on ctb soon and no one knows but I've been trying to enjoy my last couple of days here because the end of the month is very soon and it was my birthday which I hate especially this year which have sucked. Can barely fucking sleep without anxiety crippling me. I feel more alone than I've ever felt before. I really wanted to enjoy it and my family was amazing. They really were but it didn't help cuz I still hated it. I felt anxious and just depressed but it could've been fine. I asked my so called friend for one tiny favor and that was that they would be there for me because I don't plan on being here much longer and I want to spend time with them while I can. But once again they broke another promise. My last birthday and my so called friend ruined it because of something so stupid after I asked and I shouldn't have even asked cuz when it was their birthday I was understanding and nice and I actually tried even tho i was so exhausted. I am so hurt and angry. Then made it seem like I was overreacting. At least my mom and sisters were great. I appreciated that at least. But I am still upset at my friend for ruining my day… but it's okay because that's not a guilt I'll have to live with and I don't care if they (my so called friend) live with the guilt or not, it is no longer my concern. I tried to make it easy. I didn't ask for a gift. All I asked was to talk without distractions. I am constantly trying to allow them the opportunity to make up for things so they don't regret anything later because they might and I don't want that. I mean, I'm going to end it regardless but I wanted it to be easy even tho no one has ever made life easy for me. However, all I get is a reminder and a slap in the face but I deserved it for trying. Gosh I hate myself so much sometimes. I will just have to take that one to the grave. Fuck it. I'm not forgiving and knowing my friend he will be upset for days… days I don't have.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,632
I personally am no longer worried about softening the blow for my survivors. I feel that anyone who is going to truly mourn my death will do so regardless of my interaction with them before I go. I even feel like spending time with them will create more core memories that will make it worse for them. Letting them see me and feel my presence, then poof...the next day I am gone. It feels cruel to me.
My best friend messaged me last night and I told him that because I plan to CTB soon, I am going to disappear from the radar and to not expect any more responses from me. I told him that I am paranoid that my negative energy and depression is contagious and want to quaratine myself as much as possible.
My best friend messaged me last night and I told him that because I plan to CTB soon, I am going to disappear from the radar and to not expect any more responses from me. I told him that I am paranoid that my negative energy and depression is contagious and want to quaratine myself as much as possible.
Isn't that softening the blows for them? That's not a problem for me. Most of them will move on before I've been buried. The people who will remember they won't be the one crying when they find out I'm gone. Besides they hardly felt my presence while I'm here, why would they feel it once I've gone? When it no longer matters.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,632
Possibly, but I'm doing it more out of the concern of transmitting my mental conditions onto them. Regarding my death, they will be destroyed regardless, so i tend to think there is no such thing as softening the blow even if I wanted to. As for the peolpe I feel won't affected very much, I could care less about them. I'll be too dead for it to be a concern.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,632
I just basically want to leave zero chance that talking to me and hearing enough of my negativity would have a bearing on their own mental state.
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Oh I get it. Maybe that's something I should've considered. That is very smart cuz talking about that can affect them.
