Venting I don't know how much more I can take

[cosmicpixiedust]

I don't even know where to begin and I am at the end of my rope so I will probably not make any sense. Just a warning.

A week ago I got left at a party by my roommates and someone else and left to fend for myself after having not eaten at all that day (I'm a recovering anorexic so I get severely sick when I don't eat.) That was the first mistake. I also have to take propranolol for my severe anxiety and since I didn't eat I couldn't take it (I pass out when I take it on an empty stomach). So here I am at the party being irresp[onsible as heck and just getting TRASHED because in my logic I've not eaten and started drinking so why stop? I'm alone at this party anyway.

So it comes time to leave and at 10 am this guy we're friends with offers to take me home. I get in the car with him because at this point I just want to go home and am so tired. I just want my bed, my stuffed animals, and my doggy. We're on the way home when he asks for gas money and I tell him that we would have to go get some off my card. I don't know what I did to piss him off but I blacked out and only remember him violently headbutting me in the face at least 6 times to the point that I eventually just curled up into a ball and begged him to stop because I had regressed to a small child (I have age regression problems when I am scared from all of the abuse I've dealt with). He finally stops and my (stupid, I know) first instinct is to open the door and try to get away from him as he is driving down the road. The cops got called and I didn't want him to be in trouble since he is a felon out on parole so I just blamed it on my mental health issues and no sleep and alcohol so they would let us leave and him not be arrested. I didn't even want any of our friends to know because I'm not the type of person to want to hurt someone even if they hurt me, so I tried my hardest to keep it a secret. The only issue is that he gave me two black eyes, my upper lip is cut up from where he bashed his head into my teeth and caused them to cut me, my entire left side is bruised (apparently from where he pulled me back into the car), and my nose can only just now be touched without me recoiling in pain. People saw those marks even if most of them are now gone, so now people know.

I get two messages from him and another one of our friends today telling me that I need to get my story straight. I know I was blacked out to some extent and even told everyone who saw my face that I did something to piss him off but I don't know what.

So my roommate messages the guy to hear his side of the story. He's denying that he ever touched me except to get me back in the car. He's saying that I beat my head so hard into his car that I caused those marks all over my face. Now no one believes me because of my history of being unstable (I'm not even sure my roommate believes me) and I lost my chance at telling people about my abuser. Now it's all my story against his. I've been struggling with wanting to CTB, I even got a little better because of my wonderful girlfriend. Now I'm lost and alone again and the only option seems to be to just wait until everyone is asleep and go. I found a nice place I can hide out in and die to where no one will find me til I'm gone. It's all so tempting.

The best part is, it's really easy to fast for SN if I'm anorexic and starve myself anyway (which I've had one meal in 3 days so my stomach is very much empty.)

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I just needed to get it out. I feel like a fucking 8-year-old being repeatedly raped by their cousin again and no one seems to listen or care. The crappy thing is, I'm so nice that at this point in time if things were done differently, I still wouldn't tell on him.

 

[Carina]

Oh, people care! They always do. Even if it's people here, or some in your life, or even your girlfriend. I am so sorry you went through that though. But you are right in a way, writing can be good at times.

 

[Squiddy]

Damn. All I can say is I'm sorry all that happened to you. You didn't deserve to experience any of that :(

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Oh, people care! They always do. Even if it's people here, or some in your life, or even your girlfriend. I am so sorry you went through that though. But you are right in a way, writing can be good at times.

Thank you, it's just so hard. Everyone here doesn't seem to be taking it seriously at all. And to top it off my two front teeth are still a little loose from where I got hit and I am so scared I'm going to lose them..

Damn. All I can say is I'm sorry all that happened to you. You didn't deserve to experience any of that :(

This is why I've been quiet all week when Mama pages me. I'm too hurt and scared to talk..

 

[Carina]

Thank you, it's just so hard. Everyone here doesn't seem to be taking it seriously at all. And to top it off my two front teeth are still a little loose from where I got hit and I am so scared I'm going to lose them..


This is why I've been quiet all week when Mama pages me. I'm too hurt and scared to talk..

Oh no! Hopefully the teeth will be fine too. Never good when teeth may have issues, even if just painful :(

 

[Squiddy]

Thank you, it's just so hard. Everyone here doesn't seem to be taking it seriously at all. And to top it off my two front teeth are still a little loose from where I got hit and I am so scared I'm going to lose them..


This is why I've been quiet all week when Mama pages me. I'm too hurt and scared to talk..

Hopefully they don't fall out and I hope you feel better soon

 

[faust]

I feel so sorry for you...
This is not what a kind soul like you deserves. Even if you told him something that left him offended, it does not mean he had to be violent. That is a very abnormal reaction and I hope this person will never do that to anybody again.
As for you, I wish you a good luck in your recovery and letting you know that we care about you!

 

[Lostandfound7]

Omg honey..That is absolutely horrible! It makes me so mad to hear what u went thru with that POS!
I hate to hear when ppl who take advantage of the vulnerable! I'm so pissed! Mf'er!

Karma is a BITCH!

Heal up my honey..praying for u♡

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for all the trauma you've been through. You didn't deserve to be hurt like that. I know with no one believing you, it makes what happened so much worse. I would hate for you to lose your teeth, so you should see a dentist right away. They have treatments that can tighten your gums, and prevent tooth loss. I hope you're okay, and things get better for you.

 

[Living sucks]

How the hell is he head butting you as he's driving? This is not your fault and punishing yourself isn't the answer. You need to distance yourself from these "friends". I'm sorry but friends dont leave you stranded at a party with no ride. Get some good counseling and try to love yourself. Find even an AA group meeting or church group or something to meet other people. Start a new life and end the cycle of abuse for yourself to heal. I can't give you a how to guide but i know there are lots of books to read about how to. Take time to heal don't rush into something you can't undo

 

[Blue Starz]

i am sad you experienced all that, first of all.

But please let me say that these people sound like bad news or trouble to begin with. i used to have so many different types of friends, from nearly every social group. i was very loving and actually too accepting... to the point i forgave people that were horrible. i ended up saying goodbye to them and my life got a lot more peaceful. Now part of my requirements for any friends is that in no way can they be a threat to my well being & safety. Period. No more 2nd chances, if they do it once that's too many times.

I know it's easier said than done, but please consider a whole new group of stable friends? You're already suffering and these types just add to it, at least that's how it seems to be based on what you described.

i would definitely avoid the person who gave you that ride, this person sounds very dangerous to be around. I understand you are already devastated, exhausted, and feel overwhelmed understandably. Please consider getting a different roommate, and just start all over. Either way, please stay safe and avoid the nightmarish people. Those types can only worsen your suffering.

Best wishes for you either way.