I don't know how much longer I can hold up

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Recently, something terrible happened with my younger brother (16), as he is being abused at home by his father. We have different fathers.

The thing is, I am supposed to ctb this month and suddenly this happened and he is moving in with my mum from across the country. I just... I can't do it while he's going through all of this and since he and I hardly ever saw each other due to his father and step mother keeping him away from my mother and I. I've missed him dearly. He is my sweet little brother who has always looked up to me and I have always been there for him...

But this time is different. My mind and body were prepared for my demise on the 20th. Now I have to make a decision to stick around for his sake... at least for a little bit, but I'm not happy about it. I have been waiting for this since October, when my fiance, Dartz, passed away. I have nothing left in me to fight, so how am I going to do this?

I don't know... I'm tired, but I want to be a good and responsible sibling. Just thinking of living longer is making me sick... I'm so sad. Why do my plans keep getting interrupted. People who tell me that it's a sign, I don't agree... I just think I am considerably unlucky. I don't know what to do...

~ H x

 

[Water-Lily]

If you can, try to help your brother. I don't mean to dismiss your reasons for CTB as they are valid. However I have a younger brother too. Though hes changed in a lot of ways for the worst, we were both abused. I had no one to be there for me, but maybe he can have someone be there for him

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

I'm sorry for what's happening to you and your brother and your family in general. Know that it's not your fault. I want to say, do what feels right to you. Make the decision that will not leave you full of regrets as death is coming upon you when it does. The future is unclear and uncertain. All you can do is live in the now, hope for the best, do the best you can and most importantly, forgive yourself. Follow the path that feels best to you. The path that you can look back on and know that it is what felt best and was the best that you could do at the time. The path you won't regret. The path that makes you feel proud of yourself, not self-resentment, pity or guilt. Sorry if this isn't helpful. It's the best I could muster.

 

[WaterHemlock]

I know this is late, but I'm wondering how you are doing?

 

[WornOutLife]

That sounds really tough.
It's really nice of you to want to support your brother.
Just do your best and see if you can manage to wait at least for some more time.
I'm doing kinda the same. Let's say I'm still in this world because of my dad. He's everything for me.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I know this is late, but I'm wondering how you are doing?

Still kicking. Still feeling the same, but I am cherishing the time I'm spending with my brother.

I'm just trying to be present in his life while I still have the strength to do so, which is not much. Basically backup fuel in case something went wrong with my ctb.

Thank you for asking. How are you? x

 

[WaterHemlock]

Still kicking. Still feeling the same, but I am cherishing the time I'm spending with my brother.

I'm just trying to be present in his life while I still have the strength to do so, which is not much. Basically backup fuel in case something went wrong with my ctb.

Thank you for asking. How are you? x

I've actually been feeling better. It's always been a rollercoaster but this feels like a nice flat bit. I think the vitamin B shots helped a lot. Also I've been going to a group called Emotions Anonymous. It's a twelve steps prodram modeled after alcoholic anonymous. I went to some groups on Zoom that I found online and then I found my local group.
Each week has a topic and recently was suicide. So when it was my turn I pretty much shared most of my thoughts. I didn't say I have a plan (well you really can't without being hauled off to the hospital) but after that share something changed.
One sweet girl said she was concerned about me and another member who'd actually shot himself the stomach the year before, and I reassured her that I wouldn't.
That felt like a binding promise somehow. I feel different and begin to wonder what life would be like if I wasn't always waiting to die. Theres an absence in my life like- who the heck am I, like I've stepped on a stair that isn't there. What do I do now, lots of things I don't worry about or plan for cus I won't be here. It's a little weird.

When I was young it was the thought of someone reading my suicide note to my two and four year old brothers that stopped me. Thirty three years ago last week.

Sorry for rambling so much, I think I'm always looking for human connection. I hope your brother is doing better.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I've actually been feeling better. It's always been a rollercoaster but this feels like a nice flat bit. I think the vitamin B shots helped a lot. Also I've been going to a group called Emotions Anonymous. It's a twelve steps prodram modeled after alcoholic anonymous. I went to some groups on Zoom that I found online and then I found my local group.
Each week has a topic and recently was suicide. So when it was my turn I pretty much shared most of my thoughts. I didn't say I have a plan (well you really can't without being hauled off to the hospital) but after that share something changed.
One sweet girl said she was concerned about me and another member who'd actually shot himself the stomach the year before, and I reassured her that I wouldn't.
That felt like a binding promise somehow. I feel different and begin to wonder what life would be like if I wasn't always waiting to die. Theres an absence in my life like- who the heck am I, like I've stepped on a stair that isn't there. What do I do now, lots of things I don't worry about or plan for cus I won't be here. It's a little weird.

When I was young it was the thought of someone reading my suicide note to my two and four year old brothers that stopped me. Thirty three years ago last week.

Sorry for rambling so much, I think I'm always looking for human connection. I hope your brother is doing better.

No worries at all, I appreciate your hearty reply. x

I am happy to hear you're doing better and meeting people that understand and want to be there for you! Human connection can be very important.

If you ever want to chat, my PMs are open any time. I wish you well in healing!