Venting I don’t know anymore

[Goofty]

I've been alone pretty much my whole life. I'm the youngest by 10 and 7 years so my parents focus was always on my brother and sister. I would come home and just play games all day and my parents never really check up on my unless it was about school. I have my group of friends but I'm the outcast of them and still am. I'm the one that will get left out of things and the one they never really talk to as much. In middle school and high school I was made fun of because I was on the B team of basketball and in high school I made the team but didn't play much and the kids who didn't make it would pick at me. I ended up quitting basketball and just kept to myself for the next three years. Kept quite and played video games, no one to really talk to. Went off to college to only come back because of money problems but met my Ex. She was the first person I have ever met to make me feel like I wasn't alone anymore and I had someone to depend on. I fell head over heels for her and am still very much in love with her. Lasted almost two years before she left me. She didn't have the best family so she lived with me pretty much the whole relationship and left once she moved out. For two weeks she told me she wanted to break up but never actually did. I lost 40 pounds because I didn't want to eat because I was so sad. She tried to force me into breaking up with her the whole time and would belittle me for showing emotions. One time I said okay let's end it and then she blamed everything on me. We talked for the next week until she ended it officially. The next day I went out to a house party at my friends house. Only one friend knew what has happened with my break up and stayed with me all night. So it devastated me to hear the next day a girl was telling everyone I was going to rape her because my friend was their the whole time and not once did I talk to this girl besides for when she played against us in beer pong. It broke me down, I haven't felt so bad about myself in so long and I don't even know why because I didn't do anything wrong. That was a month ago, since then I just stay at home alone, go to school and my job. I put all the stuff in my past behind me and kept it down but lately everything is just coming back up. I don't have any desire to really get up out of bed and I don't want to do anything most days. I'm alone everyday, no one talks to me and I don't have the desire to talk to anyone else. I don't know what to do anymore I want to hope there are better days ahead but also I'm tired of everything that goes on everyday. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm done trying currently.
Forgot to add this, lately I have been reading most of the resources and landed on SN. I'm know if I end up buying it I will more then likely go and do it a couple days later. But I'm scared and don't know if that's what I want to do. I don't want to hurt anyone in my family or my ex. I'm scared.

 

[S1mpleme]

No offense, but I don't understand how can you be alone around your family and friends? I'm literally alone, no family and friends.

 

[pole]

No offense, but I don't understand how can you be alone around your family and friends? I'm literally alone, no family and friends.

unfortunately, it's fairly common to feel alone even when you have loved ones like friends, family and even a significant other.

i've had all of that. but i've always felt alone, even if it's in a room full of people i know. in reality, i'd physically be there. but mentally, i'd be somewhere else and deep inside, i'd just feel totally alone. so i can definitely relate to OP in some way.

 

[S1mpleme]

unfortunately, it's fairly common to feel alone even when you have loved ones like friends, family and even a significant other.

i've had all of that. but i've always felt alone, even if it's in a room full of people i know. in reality, i'd physically be there. but mentally, i'd be somewhere else and deep inside, i'd just feel totally alone. so i can definitely relate to OP in some way.

If you have family and friends and still feel alone, then this world even worse than I thought.

 

[Goofty]

No offense, but I don't understand how can you be alone around your family and friends? I'm literally alone, no family and friends.

Yeah I have them there, but when I'm there with them I just feel alone no matter what. I know at the end of the day I'm just going to go home and none of them are going to put the effort in to check up on me. At the end of the day I know the only person who cares is going to be me

 

[gentleflower]

I understand the feeling of being alone although you have family and friends. I have this a lot.
I am sorry that this girl accused you of wanting to rape her. That's horrible.
I have purchased SN myself months ago and although I had been convinced that I would use it soon after its arrival, somehow the thought of having it available calmed me down enough to continue for now.

 

[Goofty]

I understand the feeling of being alone although you have family and friends. I have this a lot.
I am sorry that this girl accused you of wanting to rape her. That's horrible.
I have purchased SN myself months ago and although I had been convinced that I would use it soon after its arrival, somehow the thought of having it available calmed me down enough to continue for now.

Has there been times when you were pissed off or anything like that and wanted to use it? Because that's what im most worried about. I feel that something is going to happen and im not gonna have a level head and just go for it which might be best for me tbh.

 

[SuiSqueeze92]

Honestly I'm happy being alone, well I'm with my gf, but my deployment and everything that has happened to me just turned me into a hermit, so I never go anywhere besides work... without a car currently... lol yeah fuck that... makes me feel bad though because I feel happier alone and away from people but don't fully believe that when my gf says she does too. Just strange the way shit works sometimes for different people.

 

[Goofty]

Honestly I'm happy being alone, well I'm with my gf, but my deployment and everything that has happened to me just turned me into a hermit, so I never go anywhere besides work... without a car currently... lol yeah fuck that... makes me feel bad though because I feel happier alone and away from people but don't fully believe that when my gf says she does too. Just strange the way shit works sometimes for different people.

Was it something that you grew to like or was it something that you liked being from the beginning?

 

[gentleflower]

Has there been times when you were pissed off or anything like that and wanted to use it? Because that's what im most worried about. I feel that something is going to happen and im not gonna have a level head and just go for it which might be best for me tbh.

There were times, where I took it out of its hiding place and looked at the container, but just looking at it calmed me down enough again. Knowing that I theoretically could just use it

 

[SuiSqueeze92]

Was it something that you grew to like or was it something that you liked being from the beginning?

No I used to be the complete opposite. The life of the party, jokester, keg champ, beer pong bro etc lol. I used to enjoy life not worrying about shit and just did things. Now, I can't trust a fart and I am constantly watching everything that's going on around me or at times out my windows or hunkered down in my dark ass room pretty much.

 

[Goofty]

There were times, where I took it out of its hiding place and looked at the container, but just looking at it calmed me down enough again. Knowing that I theoretically could just use it

I can see that being something that helps because at the end of the day once you actually have it in your hands you might have a second thought on if you really want to use it based on a rash decision that day or use it when your completely ready.

 

[gentleflower]

I can see that being something that helps because at the end of the day once you actually have it in your hands you might have a second thought on if you really want to use it based on a rash decision that day or use it when your completely ready.

Yeah, exactly just having the thing available is really calming