Some place nice
This world makes me sick
- Oct 18, 2023
- 468
I want to ctb, I need to ctb, so why do I want to not ctb? I can't stand the burden of my mental illness anymore, I don't want to live with my mom anymore but, I also can't leave. Being in love with him hurts so bad. That pain itself is now half the drive to end it all. Ik its creepy how I get attached to people and even creepier if I like them. I become obsessed with them but, he doesn't feel the same way and he'll never know how creepy I actually am. At least not yet. After my failed attempt slowly I've been getting better. After the psychotic breaks and mental break downs I'm starting to feel better. I have been spiraling until last night when I did a little weed. I was happy for once, I laughed harder last night than I have in a while. My paranoia and abandonment issues have been getting to me bc none of my friends are answering so Ig I needed that weed. Since I am having doubts about ctbing I think the safest bet is to wait and see if I want to later down the line. I don't want to do anything I will regret. Tho I'm in a lot of pain I feel if I do it now I might regret it but if I do it later when I'm ready again I won't. I just want to be happy again... I really do love life but, when you're in constant pain the darkness kinda takes over.
