Venting I don't have enough reasons to die?

[mayushii]

This is just me putting my thoughts into words, maybe they won't make sense.

Everyday I read about people in far worse places than me and think maybe I'm being stupid or selfish for wanting to die. I do feel terrible most of the time, can't remember the last day I haven't thought about ctb. The only thing keeping me here is thinking of what it would do to my family. The only connection I have is with online friends, and even the closest of them is slowly drifting away. I can't talk to them because I don't want to put this weight on them. I can't imagine living a regular life, my brain doesn't work normally, I've wasted so much time and still don't feel like doing something meaningful with myself.

 

[Dome42315]

I personally don't think it's about the number of reasons or the severity of any of them; I think it's more about how you feel. Everyone can feel differently about something even if they went through the exact same thing, and it's how we perceive and process through it that causes the pain, so I think that pain can be different for everyone. If we could objectify all issues and give it a numerical value, then there probably would be a person who would be suffering the most and anyone could tell someone "You're not suffering as much as that guy." and I don't think that would be fair to anyone. Everyone (or at least everyone here) has their own different dark spot that I don't think we could ever judge objectively because I don't think feelings can be ever fully judged objectively.

Regarding the guilt you feel about your loved ones, I feel the same way. I don't really have an answer/full-formed opinion on that, but I hope we (and a lot of the other members on this site that I've seen have the same problem) can come to terms with it before ctbing or not ctbing or whatever else. I think it's probably always going to be the elephant in the room though.

 

[Dreamwalker]

No shame in not wanting to hurt the ones you love. Be gentle with yourself; seek peace how you think best !! <3

 

[mayushii]

Thank you!