i don't get why it's so hard

[irie]

last night, i found a proper way to do full suspension hanging. i almost kicked the chair right then, but SI kicked in big time because i was unprepared (probably also because i was in a more panicked state and was rushing into things impulsively). i think i'm ready, and really want to CTB soon (preferably by the end of the month); i've already attempted twice this month but i'm really struggling to beat SI. next week, i won't even be at home, so i'd like to get it over with before then, but it's so fucking difficult. i am serious about this, throughout the years i've failed 8 times (minus all the half-assed attempts at drowning from when i was a lot younger), and i don't think i'll escape being this miserable anytime soon unless i ctb. i feel like a coward, honestly-- i don't really know what's stopping me at this point. maybe my partner, who is vehemently against me doing this and has begged me not to in past exchanges... i'll feel guilty leaving them behind, and i hate to imagine what it'll be like when i'm found, but it's the only way out of this, i've decided. i don't really know where i'm going with this, or what i'm even asking for advice for, i just know i want to leave soon.

 

[h4rlemriver]

Ah, I know that these words coming from a stranger probably won't ease your mind, but I hope you know that it is within our nature to resist death, whether we want it or not - survival instinct is a two-faced coin, for better or for worse! I'm truly sorry about your situation.
However, I don't think that you should feel like a coward or, even, ashamed for not having gone the whole way with the attempt..!
After all, the guilt of hurting our loved ones, in this case: your partner, are extremely valid reasons to hesitate or to feel stuck in the limbo between living and ctb,,
Alas, I hope that things work out for you, however that looks!

 

[TheNihilisticViking]

Your brain isn't supposed to keep you happy, your brain is supposed to keep you alive. That's why the survival instinct kicks in and you find it kinda hard. I've also thought about attempting to hang myself at some point, but I'm still constructing a plan and building up courage to do it and I've actually thought quite a lot about it because SN is risky and hard to get hold of.

 

[TheMetalhead]

By no means are you a coward.
SI is human's best (the worst actually) defending mechanism.
Trying to overcome it is in its way the bravest thing, trying to take your own life...
Sorry to hear you struggling, but I hope you find peace at last... warm hugs

 

[irie]

Ah, I know that these words coming from a stranger probably won't ease your mind, but I hope you know that it is within our nature to resist death, whether we want it or not - survival instinct is a two-faced coin, for better or for worse! I'm truly sorry about your situation.
However, I don't think that you should feel like a coward or, even, ashamed for not having gone the whole way with the attempt..!
After all, the guilt of hurting our loved ones, in this case: your partner, are extremely valid reasons to hesitate or to feel stuck in the limbo between living and ctb,,
Alas, I hope that things work out for you, however that looks!

please don't worry, the words of people/replies i've received here have eased my mind a lot more than ones i've received from actual acquaintances, so i thank you for replying! i hope they work out as well, i cherish the few people i have in my life dearly but this really is the only way and i can only hope they don't take it as horribly as i imagine they will

 

[bluebus]

Please go easy on yourself! You incredibly strong to have been through everything that you lead you here. I completely understand where you're coming from. I am going to leave behind a lot of people, and I feel so guilty about that. For me, that's the hardest part about this whole thing. I could care less about myself, I just want to be gone, but I hate what I am going to do to my friends and family- especially my parents. Life is tough, and so is leaving. I hope you are able to find some peace, you deserve it after all. And take it easy. Best wishes,

 

[irie]

Please go easy on yourself! You incredibly strong to have been through everything that you lead you here. I completely understand where you're coming from. I am going to leave behind a lot of people, and I feel so guilty about that. For me, that's the hardest part about this whole thing. I could care less about myself, I just want to be gone, but I hate what I am going to do to my friends and family- especially my parents. Life is tough, and so is leaving. I hope you are able to find some peace, you deserve it after all. And take it easy. Best wishes,

thank you, and all the same to you, it truly is the hardest part about all of this. i'll think i'm ready, then think about what i'm going to do to everyone i'm close with and it just kills me. at the same time though, it feels just as cruel to live like this than it does to die, i hope this comes to an end soon

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering, I really don't think that someone is cowardly if they struggle to leave with that method, I see it as being beyond cruel how people have to resort to methods as barbaric and awful as hanging in the first place, it's horrible how we cannot just choose to sleep eternally. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, best wishes.