I don't understand what I'm doing here. If I'm suicidal and I don't want to live why can't I just do it? I do not understand life man.... It does not make sense for me to have so much hatred for myself and the way my life has gone and for me not to be able to do it. It feels like such a setup to be forced to endure this. I get it. It's just a woman to everyone else. I get that people go to prison all the time. I get that people don't accomplish all their goals. I get that people lose jobs. But for me, I want to die. I have had this desire to end my life most of my life. I listened to everyone tell me it would get better and look at how it turned out. Now my life is not only worse but now I have to know that the woman I fell so deeply in love with hates me.... why me? Truly.. what was so wrong with me that I have to go through this? I understand my choices have led me here but that's the thing... I chose those things because I obviously wasn't good enough to choose anything else. It's not like I didn't try to be a good person, it's not like I didn't put in the effort to be better at making decisions. Shit I made attempts to think out things, and I continue to fail miserably. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I can't take this crap anymore... I AM LITERALLY GOING CRAZY. It's not worth waking up and knowing that I'll never be able to hold her again. Why do I always mess up? I need to know... I need to understand this... why do I always mess up when I tried so fucking hard to be better. I don't get it. WHY WON'T GOD JUST KILL ME? Why torture someone you say you love in ways that will never be understood? I just don't want to do this anymore... I tried so hard to fix my life. I put in my last... I moved here and tried to make a better life for myself and to find that joy I needed. When I finally find that... it just evaporates and its all my fault. DON'T YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES GOD?! You think I would just not do the right thing if I knew what to do! I'm so tired of waking up! I SWEAR I"M ABOUT TO DRIVE INTO A FUCKING TREE! This is breaking my soul! YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CARED! NOBODY ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES!!! I knew I WASN"T GOOD ENOUGH!!!! I KNEW I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH! I KNEW I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!! I tried to believe and all I get is pain!
I FEEL SO WEAK FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THIS! I'M 34 and I can't do something that kids re decisive enough to do. I WANT TO JUST BE DONE!
I FEEL SO WEAK FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THIS! I'M 34 and I can't do something that kids re decisive enough to do. I WANT TO JUST BE DONE!
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