E
Esokabat
Specialist
- Apr 22, 2024
- 390
All my life, I never fit into any group. I think it is due to my autism. I tried and tried all my life. In the end, at age 40, I happily stopped trying and just embraced being alone. I will not say lonely as "lonely" implies that you are suffering from being alone and I am not suffering. So I find it hilarious that I don't even fit into this group, even though my aim is the same as everyone else's here. I remember once I went to a conference for my special interest for a whole week in the US, a subject I know everything about, and even in this conference I did not fit in.
In this group, I am feeling that maybe I am the only one that has never been depressed, I am happy now, I am happy about my CTB and I will be listening a happy song, probably from Lion King (He lives in you) as that is my go song on psilocybin. I have lived many many traumas, maybe someone of them are more serious than many here, but it never made me feel traumatized or depressed. Not something I would want to repeat (I often say to myself that if someone would give me the choice to re-live my whole life since birth or CTB immediately, I would CTB as it was just too much to re-live). But somehow trauma falls off me, depression never knocks on my life, I still like my life but due to certain personal and medical reasons, and autism also has a big role, I came to the conclusion that I will sell my house, have an amazing vacation, and then ctb. And I know many will mot agree, and many will ridicule this thought but I don't have a problem with SI as I know where I am going. I know I have done this many times. I lived and died thousands of times. I know that when I drink the N, my essence will leave by physical body and I will start my journey back to HOME. I know that I am not a victim as a chose this. Chose the autism, chose the childhood trauma, choose going blind, choose a borderline personality disorder mother, chose to be kicked out of home many times, I chose disease that made spend my childhood in hospitals. I am not blaming my parents, not god, not universe. I never ever in my life felt a victim. I know that I am not preaching to the choir here as most people here appear to seek non-existence, which I am sorry to say doesn't exist, but you can believe whatever you want and feel like victims, victims of parents who procreated, victims of life, victims of psychologist that didn't provide correct care, victims of society, or victims of disease and pain, which are all real things, and yet , I don't believe in victimhood. We are in a theatre where our soul decided to play the role of the poor sick homeless beggar. For reasons that will be oculted from us until we leave the physical brain and connect again to the cosmic intelligence that knows everything. If we think we are victims, we identify with the beggar. We forgot that this is theater, we forgot that we are an actor in a theater. When we leave the physical body behind, we will remember again, and earthly life will lose its power on us, it will be like when we are leaving the movie theater after seeing a very immersive movie, and our eyes slowly gets used to the outside light. I know that for the majority here, this will not resonate. And I accept that. Your soul remembers. Your soul is not a victim. I remember, you can remember too. It starts with having your power back, no victimhood. I write this in case one out of every hundred person this writing will light up a very very remote memory, a memory that doesn't even stored in the brain, a memory that we can connect with when the brain doesn't operate, deep meditation, certain drugs, certain music or singing, being silent in nature, when knowledge comes to us not from the brain, not through language, not through words. I know this is not the right forum to find similar thinkers, with all the non-existance lovers, and the self-harm, and the blaming of parents, blaming god, evil, being born, society, psychologists, disease, mental illness. These things are all real, painful and tragic. But underneath it all, we have a Light that knows it is the Actor in the theatre, not the character. It knows that it is powerful and magnificent. I don't know if I will have SI or not at the time of CTB, but I will put on my favorite song, and I will have a smile on my face as I know where I am going, and I know I did this journey thousand times, and yet I am keep coming back. My human self would never come back to this. So this tells me that what my human self knows, which is the character in the play, and what the Actor knows, are not the same. And what is coming is magnificent. (We will be "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow" Steve Jobs last words just before dying). I really hope that in all this suffering, I am not the only person on this site that will be CTB-ing with a happy song, with my Sony headset on, with happiness in my heart. Everything that is human in us will die with death. Suffering, mental illness, confusion, hurt, anger, it will all be left behind with the theater costume that the Actor will take off at the end of the play, as an old, uncomfortable clothes, and as our eyes get used to the outside light as we leave the movie theater, we will be surprised how on Earth we could ever think or believe that the movie was REALITY. What madness was this and how we could ever think this was real and the theater character was actually us.
In this group, I am feeling that maybe I am the only one that has never been depressed, I am happy now, I am happy about my CTB and I will be listening a happy song, probably from Lion King (He lives in you) as that is my go song on psilocybin. I have lived many many traumas, maybe someone of them are more serious than many here, but it never made me feel traumatized or depressed. Not something I would want to repeat (I often say to myself that if someone would give me the choice to re-live my whole life since birth or CTB immediately, I would CTB as it was just too much to re-live). But somehow trauma falls off me, depression never knocks on my life, I still like my life but due to certain personal and medical reasons, and autism also has a big role, I came to the conclusion that I will sell my house, have an amazing vacation, and then ctb. And I know many will mot agree, and many will ridicule this thought but I don't have a problem with SI as I know where I am going. I know I have done this many times. I lived and died thousands of times. I know that when I drink the N, my essence will leave by physical body and I will start my journey back to HOME. I know that I am not a victim as a chose this. Chose the autism, chose the childhood trauma, choose going blind, choose a borderline personality disorder mother, chose to be kicked out of home many times, I chose disease that made spend my childhood in hospitals. I am not blaming my parents, not god, not universe. I never ever in my life felt a victim. I know that I am not preaching to the choir here as most people here appear to seek non-existence, which I am sorry to say doesn't exist, but you can believe whatever you want and feel like victims, victims of parents who procreated, victims of life, victims of psychologist that didn't provide correct care, victims of society, or victims of disease and pain, which are all real things, and yet , I don't believe in victimhood. We are in a theatre where our soul decided to play the role of the poor sick homeless beggar. For reasons that will be oculted from us until we leave the physical brain and connect again to the cosmic intelligence that knows everything. If we think we are victims, we identify with the beggar. We forgot that this is theater, we forgot that we are an actor in a theater. When we leave the physical body behind, we will remember again, and earthly life will lose its power on us, it will be like when we are leaving the movie theater after seeing a very immersive movie, and our eyes slowly gets used to the outside light. I know that for the majority here, this will not resonate. And I accept that. Your soul remembers. Your soul is not a victim. I remember, you can remember too. It starts with having your power back, no victimhood. I write this in case one out of every hundred person this writing will light up a very very remote memory, a memory that doesn't even stored in the brain, a memory that we can connect with when the brain doesn't operate, deep meditation, certain drugs, certain music or singing, being silent in nature, when knowledge comes to us not from the brain, not through language, not through words. I know this is not the right forum to find similar thinkers, with all the non-existance lovers, and the self-harm, and the blaming of parents, blaming god, evil, being born, society, psychologists, disease, mental illness. These things are all real, painful and tragic. But underneath it all, we have a Light that knows it is the Actor in the theatre, not the character. It knows that it is powerful and magnificent. I don't know if I will have SI or not at the time of CTB, but I will put on my favorite song, and I will have a smile on my face as I know where I am going, and I know I did this journey thousand times, and yet I am keep coming back. My human self would never come back to this. So this tells me that what my human self knows, which is the character in the play, and what the Actor knows, are not the same. And what is coming is magnificent. (We will be "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow" Steve Jobs last words just before dying). I really hope that in all this suffering, I am not the only person on this site that will be CTB-ing with a happy song, with my Sony headset on, with happiness in my heart. Everything that is human in us will die with death. Suffering, mental illness, confusion, hurt, anger, it will all be left behind with the theater costume that the Actor will take off at the end of the play, as an old, uncomfortable clothes, and as our eyes get used to the outside light as we leave the movie theater, we will be surprised how on Earth we could ever think or believe that the movie was REALITY. What madness was this and how we could ever think this was real and the theater character was actually us.