Venting I don't feel okay

[LogicalConclusion]

Hi, sorry, I just need a space to safely be honest and I hope this doesn't bother anyone.
I really do not feel okay and I am trying to figure out how to manage it until I can get all of my plans in order. In the past, I've attempted suicide in those moments of sheer "please make it stop right now" desperation. That is why I have failed so many times before, and this time it needs to be done right. Sometimes I feel okay and at peace and relieved, but other times like right now I feel part of me is afraid and I know a lot of that is from trauma. It's hard to tell what's going on. I haven't been able to breathe well for about three days and wonder if this is something to do with drinking so heavily while being on my cocktail of meds, but I can't do anything about it without hospitals and bs getting involved and I'm done with all of that, 15 years is enough.

I'm also becoming increasingly bored and impatient. Video games and language studies aren't keeping me occupied and feel ultimately pointless even though I used to enjoy them. I just want it to be over already, but know that I have to wait and properly plan and arrange things. In the meantime, I'm trying to avoid people but also seem perfectly okay if someone by some chance messages me or sees me. My friend is coming over today and I'm buying him a Switch (I planned to do this before making my decision, but I'm glad to be able to do it, he's done far too much for me over the last 10 years...). And I'm seeing my therapist today (big oof). Idek what to talk about with him to make it seem like everything is fine, but not so fine that he starts to get suspicious. :/

Anyway, thanks for reading <3

 

[21Neberg]

Hey I feel your struggle. Most days it all just feels overpowering.. I just want to say that I admire you for buying your friend a switch. It shows how great and nice of a person you are!!

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Hey I feel your struggle. Most days it all just feels overpowering.. I just want to say that I admire you for buying your friend a switch. It shows how great and nice of a person you are!!

Thank you, but I really don't feel like I am...it honestly feels like it doesn't scratch the surface of the debt I have to him for supporting me financially while I fought for disability (and did my best to pay him back by cleaning as well as I could) and allowing me a place to live when I would've been homeless. But really, thank you, that's very kind of you to say :)

So I have an update sort of, if that's okay, I don't want to seem spammy or overly desperate. I saw my therapist and pretty much he says he can't help me. :') He was very kind about how he said it and I remained calm and agreed, although he doesn't know that what I'm agreed on is the fact that I can't be helped. I was told at 12/13yrs old at the psych hospital that they couldn't help me. It just seems like I was doomed from the start. But maybe I helped my friend by moving us away from Michigan and maybe that will count for something.

Anyway, every little thing is stacking up lately in a way that only confirms to me that I am making the right decision. I'm thinking about experimenting with partial suspension so I can be more prepared, and I'm reading some things to feel less afraid of the dying part. Like if I can make myself pass out quickly and take enough of my meds, smoke and maybe drink a bit, I think it should be alright. Just have some trauma issues about "all these horrible things will happen when you die" and I don't want this stopping me anymore. Ctb has jumped significantly closer by this encounter with my therapist, just as every social rejection recently inches it closer. It's clear to me that people don't really want to talk to me because nobody seems to have noticed that I disappeared online nearly 2wks ago, with very few exceptions like the friend I saw today.

 

[Jean Améry]

Of course you don't bother us. Feel free to discuss anything you like. It seems you love your friend dearly: I'm sure he realize this aswell.

What your therapist did was cold-hearted. Did he refer you to somebody-else? I don't want to tell you what to do but it's a good idea to keep your options open in any case.

The best of luck to you.

 

[Alec]

Hi, sorry, I just need a space to safely be honest and I hope this doesn't bother anyone.
I really do not feel okay and I am trying to figure out how to manage it until I can get all of my plans in order. In the past, I've attempted suicide in those moments of sheer "please make it stop right now" desperation. That is why I have failed so many times before, and this time it needs to be done right. Sometimes I feel okay and at peace and relieved, but other times like right now I feel part of me is afraid and I know a lot of that is from trauma. It's hard to tell what's going on. I haven't been able to breathe well for about three days and wonder if this is something to do with drinking so heavily while being on my cocktail of meds, but I can't do anything about it without hospitals and bs getting involved and I'm done with all of that, 15 years is enough.

I'm also becoming increasingly bored and impatient. Video games and language studies aren't keeping me occupied and feel ultimately pointless even though I used to enjoy them. I just want it to be over already, but know that I have to wait and properly plan and arrange things. In the meantime, I'm trying to avoid people but also seem perfectly okay if someone by some chance messages me or sees me. My friend is coming over today and I'm buying him a Switch (I planned to do this before making my decision, but I'm glad to be able to do it, he's done far too much for me over the last 10 years...). And I'm seeing my therapist today (big oof). Idek what to talk about with him to make it seem like everything is fine, but not so fine that he starts to get suspicious. :/

Anyway, thanks for reading <3

Thank you for sharing. It made me feel less lonely. I too sometimes have times where I feel more or less ok, at least ok enough to keep breathing and other times,most of the times really, I feel like I can't keep breathing, like I just can't take this anymore and I just want all of this to end. And all the things that used to get me through the day seem pointless. And I'm just tired.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Thank you both <3 And Alec, that is the biggest mood. I want to sleep somewhere safe and warm and just drift off.

Also because I don't want to spam or anything, but if anyone is maybe willing to message me and talk a bit, I'd appreciate that, but totally okay if you don't. (I hope I'm doing this correctly, don't want to send unsolicited PMs or anything, mod pls delete if not okay - sometimes autism + instructions = confusion for me and I am sorry)

 

[Partial-Elf]

Thank you both <3 And Alec, that is the biggest mood. I want to sleep somewhere safe and warm and just drift off.

Also because I don't want to spam or anything, but if anyone is maybe willing to message me and talk a bit, I'd appreciate that, but totally okay if you don't. (I hope I'm doing this correctly, don't want to send unsolicited PMs or anything, mod pls delete if not okay - sometimes autism + instructions = confusion for me and I am sorry)

Hey, if you're reading into partial you may find helpful info by reading into my post history. Also I'm shocked that your therapist would say that–is it because he thought you were better or because he's overwhelmed by the scale of your issues?

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Hey, if you're reading into partial you may find helpful info by reading into my post history. Also I'm shocked that your therapist would say that–is it because he thought you were better or because he's overwhelmed by the scale of your issues?

Thank you! I will do that. Just checked my doorknobs a bit ago and they are /solid/ :D I'm torn though between something where I can lay in bed comfortably and just pass out and fade away, and then partial is also appealing. I don't want to leave a mess or traumatize anyone who has to remove my body.

But yeah, he thinks I need a trauma specialist (I guess there was some misunderstanding because I thought he had experience with that). But yeah the specialists I need are not likely accessible to me. I'm letting him check with his colleagues and I'll "try" just to go throw the motions until I get my plans all sorted out. He's been seeing me for 9months and I have to lie about my suicidal thoughts and feelings because they don't understand and just want to send me to a hospital where they treat acute, not chronic, cases, and it becomes a vicious cycle that I'm so done with. It seemed implied that he didn't think I was improving, which is a correct estimation. But I'm very calm and clear-headed suddenly, like the voices screaming in my head are only a buzz and more manageable, so while part of me wanted to breakdown while he was telling me this, but I'm just exuding calm and laughing sometimes and I think that makes people think I'm well enough, which works for me.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi, sorry, I just need a space to safely be honest and I hope this doesn't bother anyone.
I really do not feel okay and I am trying to figure out how to manage it until I can get all of my plans in order. In the past, I've attempted suicide in those moments of sheer "please make it stop right now" desperation. That is why I have failed so many times before, and this time it needs to be done right. Sometimes I feel okay and at peace and relieved, but other times like right now I feel part of me is afraid and I know a lot of that is from trauma. It's hard to tell what's going on. I haven't been able to breathe well for about three days and wonder if this is something to do with drinking so heavily while being on my cocktail of meds, but I can't do anything about it without hospitals and bs getting involved and I'm done with all of that, 15 years is enough.

I'm also becoming increasingly bored and impatient. Video games and language studies aren't keeping me occupied and feel ultimately pointless even though I used to enjoy them. I just want it to be over already, but know that I have to wait and properly plan and arrange things. In the meantime, I'm trying to avoid people but also seem perfectly okay if someone by some chance messages me or sees me. My friend is coming over today and I'm buying him a Switch (I planned to do this before making my decision, but I'm glad to be able to do it, he's done far too much for me over the last 10 years...). And I'm seeing my therapist today (big oof). Idek what to talk about with him to make it seem like everything is fine, but not so fine that he starts to get suspicious. :/

Anyway, thanks for reading <3

Hi friend, I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place.
This is a safe place for you to vent your spleen without judgement and I know there are lots of truly caring people here that can listen and offer sensible advice (really people the world need more of and to treat better).
I hope that seeing your therapist offers you some help and direction, I know for some his becomes a somewhat futile revolving door.
One thing my therapist said to me that stuck a while back which I found quite insightful; even if you're going round in circles, you get the chance to revisit you issues in ever increasing circles, each time with more understanding and able to pick out more detail. There may be lots of clues or keys or piece to the puzzle lost in that pit of despair you're in and perhaps there is light in treatment with the right attitude.
I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying I wish you all the best with your journey and I really hope you can find some peace, wherever that may be.
Good luck brother.
DBD

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Hi friend, I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place.
This is a safe place for you to vent your spleen without judgement and I know there are lots of truly caring people here that can listen and offer sensible advice (really people the world need more of and to treat better).
I hope that seeing your therapist offers you some help and direction, I know for some his becomes a somewhat futile revolving door.
One thing my therapist said to me that stuck a while back which I found quite insightful; even if you're going round in circles, you get the chance to revisit you issues in ever increasing circles, each time with more understanding and able to pick out more detail. There may be lots of clues or keys or piece to the puzzle lost in that pit of despair you're in and perhaps there is light in treatment with the right attitude.
I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying I wish you all the best with your journey and I really hope you can find some peace, wherever that may be.
Good luck brother.
DBD

Thank you, friend. I appreciate it.
My therapist said he's going to look into referrals and continue seeing me in the meantime, but I really don't think this is going to go anywhere tbqh. Sure, I'll go and continue to go through the motions so long as they don't inhibit my freedoms, but I don't expect anything to be any different. And this is just assuming he can find anyone. I was explaining to him that sure, he can look, but there aren't any trauma specialists I can see without traveling 1.5hrs to Boston which my insurance likely won't pay for. So I said to him, "Sure, let's assume there are trauma specialists in this city. Now we have to consider that I have state insurance, so that removes many of them from the list of options. Then we have to further narrow it down to someone who has availabilities, which honestly....good freaking luck." I honestly believe he was skeptical about finding someone, too, because he didn't seem to have anything concrete to offer and asked if I had been on PsychologyToday (which I have, many many many times and everyone who /theoretically/ could help me is not in my city or a nearby one). So I feel out of options. Especially because McLean's Trauma Unit (rated #1 in the nation) treated me horribly and literally released me same day three times because they didn't like my insurance (I saw this happen to others on the unit who had my insurance). I just can't go through all of that treatment again. It really is a futile revolving door, like you said :/