I don't feel guilty or selfish

[trytrytryagain]

I found out my method may be able to work, but I gave up halfway through it.

Not for a lack of distain for my situation, I see no good enough future no matter how much I look into it. I've realized my friends don't know how bad my situation is so I can try to hide it at least a bit more.

I have this weird feeling though, maybe it's the adrenaline right now but I don't feel guilty this time for trying. I feel so indifferent to life right now it's very weird. I don't feel guilty that I was leaving my friends and family. I cried thinking about them but then those tears disappeared. I should, because I love them, but for some reason those thoughts disappeared, it's like I'm already not here. I hope I don't crash from it.

When my ex-partner broke up with me yesterday, even though I didn't threaten ctb, they still told me that if I did it, it would be selfish to all of my friends and family if I tried. But I don't feel that, at all. Maybe to them it's selfish, but to me it's the only way I can escape. If anything, they're selfish for wanting me to continue and be their lap dog, nobody actually cares for me, they just care that I'm there to help them.

I'm still gonna see if I can try to better myself a bit more, see if I can actually find someone who cares about me. I think I just hate everyone in my life right now, but I'll keep pretending just to see what happens.

 

[Argo]

Imagine you were in a massive party, where it seems like most people were interested enough in it that they didn't want to leave. Let's describe this party as 'Kafkaesque'. It's not like a party where everyone's having lots of fun and they're motivated to be there. It's more of a weird party. Fun does happen, but it's not the norm. Most people don't look like they're having fun at any given time, they just kind of look around at the snacks or distract themselves with the amusements that are offered. It's a large party, and there are many rooms, and most people don't even know that lots of these rooms contain people crying to themselves, or spending time alone, feeling dead inside. Occasionally they emerge from the rooms to join the main social space and pretend as if nothing is wrong.

You tell someone that you plan to leave, and they look at you like you're crazy. They immediately accuse you being selfish and tell you how sad some of the other guests would be if you left. This is strange to hear, because it's almost certain that these other guests don't really seem to value you. Or when they do, it's always in a selfish context. It gets stranger-- because people do try to leave, but security is in place to prevent this, and these people are forcefully drugged and made to stay in the party.

Isn't there something off about this?

 

[whywere]

Everyone has their own trials and tribulations, and for me or anyone to tell anyone is wrong, I will just say this about myself:

At the age of 68 with 24/7 chronic pain and loads of opioids to tamp the pain down each and every day, and maybe after finding this site also, I live for MYSELF and to me right now life is good. Now like I have said before when quality vs quantity becomes too much then a VAD is ready to go.

When I read your thread the very first thing that popped out and slapped me in the face was the fact that you have hope for the future. When I was 18, homeless and hungry, I told myself: never say never, and I still live by those words today, 50 years later.

Yes, I feel that there is a place for ctb and the like, BUT one aspect to remember is one and done, no turning back. Am I against ctb? heavens NO BUT make darn sure everything is checked off TWICE before.

Folks can say that life is completely horrible and the like BUT no one can or will ever be able to tell me that there is NOT something nice in this world, like a beautiful sunrise or sunset, no one.

Get to 68 years of age and then tell me.

Walter