Venting I don't feel genuine connection towards anyone

[cupcakesandmilk]

For as long as I can remember, I never really felt close to anyone; my "true self" is apathetic towards everything, I realised that the only times I "care" about people are for my own selfish reasons. It's pathetic, and I couldn't be more ashamed to admit it.

I was born to two loving parents and an older sister who is basically my third parent, and I feel "disconnected" even from them. I know there are some people out there that would kill to be in my place, and that makes me wanna CTB even more. I really feel as though I'm wasting a "slot" that wasn't meant for me. Sometimes I believe I take everything around me for granted...

I just wish I could feel close to someone or even something for once without the feeling of apathy holding me back. I'm tired of constantly "pretending" at each and every step. People around me deserve much better...

 

[Alpercino]

Maybe travel for some time alone and be forced to take care of yourself . After that you might appreciate your family and get some connection going on, if they really are as good as you say it will be easy and they will realize and support your new path.

Really a non abusive family is all you need in life. If you got that talk to them openly. Do therapy. Try and it will succeed with a supportive family.

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

Maybe travel for some time alone and be forced to take care of yourself . After that you might appreciate your family and get some connection going on, if they really are as good as you say it will be easy and they will realize and support your new path.

Really a non abusive family is all you need in life. If you got that talk to them openly. Do therapy. Try and it will succeed with a supportive family.

It's hard to describe, but it's not that I don't appreciate them; I really do, but it feels as though a part of me that's supposed to love them is missing.

Maybe I'll give therapy a go if I decide to stick around, though I'm unsure if there's even anything "wrong" with me.

 

[alltoomuch2]

For as long as I can remember, I never really felt close to anyone; my "true self" is apathetic towards everything, I realised that the only times I "care" about people are for my own selfish reasons. It's pathetic, and I couldn't be more ashamed to admit it.

I was born to two loving parents and an older sister who is basically my third parent, and I feel "disconnected" even from them. I know there are some people out there that would kill to be in my place, and that makes me wanna CTB even more. I really feel as though I'm wasting a "slot" that wasn't meant for me. Sometimes I believe I take everything around me for granted...

I just wish I could feel close to someone or even something for once without the feeling of apathy holding me back. I'm tired of constantly "pretending" at each and every step. People around me deserve much better...

Have you been assessed for autism? I am very similar to you in that way and have just been diagnosed with autism

 

[Alpercino]

It's hard to describe, but it's not that I don't appreciate them; I really do, but it feels as though a part of me that's supposed to love them is missing.

Maybe I'll give therapy a go if I decide to stick around, though I'm unsure if there's even anything "wrong" with me.

i have the same non connection. People told me for example that my eyes are empty like no emotions. Later realised its because of ultra abusive violent physically and mentally family and small kid me had to shut down emotions and so on

Distancing myself from them just made me wanna end everything because i see no point in creating my own family while i am literally a rotten soul from bad genes and abuse.

Would therefor again advise you to go abroad for some months or something since you only realize the worth or meaning of something when its gone

 

[Linda]

For as long as I can remember, I never really felt close to anyone; my "true self" is apathetic towards everything, I realised that the only times I "care" about people are for my own selfish reasons. It's pathetic, and I couldn't be more ashamed to admit it.

I was born to two loving parents and an older sister who is basically my third parent, and I feel "disconnected" even from them. I know there are some people out there that would kill to be in my place, and that makes me wanna CTB even more. I really feel as though I'm wasting a "slot" that wasn't meant for me. Sometimes I believe I take everything around me for granted...

I just wish I could feel close to someone or even something for once without the feeling of apathy holding me back. I'm tired of constantly "pretending" at each and every step. People around me deserve much better...

I think it would be worth talking to a therapist. I'm not suggesting that there is anything "wrong" with you, but a good therapist might help you understand what is happening. If you can figure out why you feel that way, you might have a better chance of doing things differently.

 

[Judah]

I just wish I could feel close to someone or even something for once without the feeling of apathy holding me back.

I wish the same, the problem is that when I have such a strong connection with another person I can reach the point of becoming obsessed with that person and becoming emotionally dependent on them. It's a mess and it's frustrating.

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

bless you.......always here for a chat

 

[Kasumi]

You're right, I would kill for that.
If you asked me what my dream of an ideal family was, that would be it.
Parents that actually try to understand and support you and a caring older sister I can go to when I need someone closer to my age, that could essentially accompany through life, at least until I found my own.

Though having the most loving parents doesn't help you anything if they're abusive or lock you up, control your life, etc.
So of course there are more things to it than that.

If your family actually respects you and they are people that genuinely try to understand you rather than forcing their own opinions on you,..
in short, if you think it would be okay to talk to them about it, then I'd do that.
To one of them alone, probably my sister if I were in your position.
If you have any desire to share that with them that is.

I understand your feeling of disconnection, especially the part you describe as "a part of me that's supposed to love them is missing".
It happens to me some times and it lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.
And it sucks, it genuinely sucks. It makes me feel like I'm no longer myself, I know my feelings in my head, I know I'm appreciate those people, dislike those, and am grateful to those, but it's only in my head, it's like the feeling in my heart that should be part of those thoughts aren't there anymore.

I don't think there's any reason to beat yourself up over this.
I don't know how hard it is for you to live like this, but for me, whenever I felt like this I thought it was even worse than my worst fearful and exhausting moments.
Seeing how I am at a point like this again right now.. I would agree. Despite how terrible I feel at the moment, I wouldn't want to trade it for that.

However you feel about this personally, it's not your fault and it wasn't your decision, and I know one thing for sure, it doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you don't appreciate people who deserve your appreciation either.
You're just unable to feel it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Feeling disconnected from people even those you love is a common symptom of depression

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

Have you been assessed for autism? I am very similar to you in that way and have just been diagnosed with autism

Not yet, I'm yet to go to a psychiatrist.

i have the same non connection. People told me for example that my eyes are empty like no emotions. Later realised its because of ultra abusive violent physically and mentally family and small kid me had to shut down emotions and so on

Distancing myself from them just made me wanna end everything because i see no point in creating my own family while i am literally a rotten soul from bad genes and abuse.

Would therefor again advise you to go abroad for some months or something since you only realize the worth or meaning of something when its gone

Ah, people have told me the same thing about my eyes quite a few times. I'm sorry you had to suffer so much. Take care, stranger.

I wish the same, the problem is that when I have such a strong connection with another person I can reach the point of becoming obsessed with that person and becoming emotionally dependent on them. It's a mess and it's frustrating.

I feel ya, almost a couple of years ago, I made my first and only online friend, and it was exactly as you described; fast forward to a few months ago, and I decided to cut all ties as I felt I was being way too creepy.

Feeling disconnected from people even those you love is a common symptom of depression

Yeah, but the thing is, I felt like this for as long as I can remember; I never put any thought into it, nor did I care, as I was too busy playing video games lmao.

 

[dementedpsycho]

I don't think I ever have either, maybe I thought I did at some point but usually I was just fulfilling my own needs instead of theirs which doesn't sum up a connection. Makes me feel ashamed that I have always been so selfish so I kinda did this to myself. My family doesn't want me around anymore lol

 

[Linda]

I wish the same, the problem is that when I have such a strong connection with another person I can reach the point of becoming obsessed with that person and becoming emotionally dependent on them. It's a mess and it's frustrating.

"I can reach the point of becoming obsessed with that person". You are by no means the only person to have done that. I have done it myseIf, more than once. All I can suggest is that you try again. Now that you are aware of what can happen, you can guard against it, and try to keep any relationship more balanced. Good luck.

 

[Proteus]

I am very selective of who I talk to, I relate to you with most people, they just don't interest me. However, I can love someone and be there for them for selfless reasons. Maybe you know the wrong people, which wouldn't be strange since our current society is failing everyone in it.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Not yet, I'm yet to go to a psychiatrist.

Ah, people have told me the same thing about my eyes quite a few times. I'm sorry you had to suffer so much. Take care, stranger.

I feel ya, almost a couple of years ago, I made my first and only online friend, and it was exactly as you described; fast forward to a few months ago, and I decided to cut all ties as I felt I was being way too creepy.

Yeah, but the thing is, I felt like this for as long as I can remember; I never put any thought into it, nor did I care, as I was too busy playing video games lmao.

I'm finally being referred to a psychiatrist for diagnosis. I discussed it with my mental health practitioner (my greatest advocate and rock) yesterday because I need to know what's wrong with me. I need to understand what has happened so I can take part in any treatments instead of doing what I'm told, which hasn't worked at all so far. How do they think they know how I can improve if they don't know what's wrong with me? I was neatly pigeonholed into "anxiety" by a non-psychiatrist at the start. I had to suggest autism which has now been confirmed. The crisis team found complex trauma, and childhood adversity but they don't diagnose, they fire brigade. But I've the means to cbt and several plans so I feel comforted by that. I'll see the psychiatrist and work with the new team after they've assessed me next week, but if it's going no where I know there's a way out. And that stops me taking the way out atm if you know what I mean. (Except for the impulsive moments which I can't control but have been interrupted just before I started each time so far).