I've always had a massive fear of death, which is ironic as I worked in a hospice for 5 years. Despite that fear though I've kept myself often, for some years in the past, in such a compromised medical state every night I wasn't sure if wake up, I wanted to die but I was scared. There was only once I lost that fear and idk why, its so confusing to me, I tried while heartedly to die & didn't back out once I'd taken it, but the fear returned after (nothing to do with the attempt).
But this year I feel I've lost all hope, I have no one, my health is shot, I waited years for a treatment bed and by the time I got it I think I was too far gone, when I left I no longer had hope. I've never felt so empty doing some study distracted me woth it's stress this semester but the depression that never leaves was just pushed back so I could focus on study, now it's finished it's rushing back. I have no desire to live like this