Venting I don’t even want to die anymore but I still have to because there is too much suffering

[SmallRedHawk]

I finally found things I want to learn, I am learning to code and I have accepted that I am an awkward autistic person and that I'm "weird". I'm happy with myself, mostly. It sounds like I am doing well.

But I still have to try kill myself even if I don't want to die. There is not enough time in life just to chase my interests. I have to work and pay bills and eat. I can't do it anymore guys. I hate my job and I can't find a different one. I see the box cutters at work and I just want to slit my throat open in front of everyone. My life is just consumed by dread about going to work. I don't know what to do, I already tried looking for other jobs but they are all the same and the ones I would like to do aren't hiring. I don't know if I can hold out and keep waiting for something better. I don't want to die, there is so much I want to learn, things I want to read and watch, but I can't keep living if I have to work at this shitty job. Last night I spent the entire shift trying not to break down, and I was planning how I would go to the wharf and drown myself as soon as my shift finished, but it was a late night and the only thought that stopped me was that I didn't want to ruin my mum's sleep if she realised I never came home that night and worried. I wish I did it though, now I have to go to work again today and poison my mind even more with suicidal thoughts which is all I can think about while I am at work.

 

[WallowingWillow]

I can relate. I'm constantly stuck between not wanting to die but also not being able to bear living. It's a horrific existence.

 

[Sarco]

Yep. Nothing to look forward to but rot and slow decay. Each of us has to fight a billion other lemmings for every meager scrap we get, except if you're just born lucky and inherit the wealth and empire of your billionaire parents that own a literally incomprehensible in scale industry. And if you're not that lucky, sorry bud, should have just had better family fortune dating back several hundred years lmao. Nevermind the fact that we could all end this insanity in an instant by just deciding to distribute resources in a fair manner like they should. Good luck convincing the lucky people to give you an inch, though. Or any of the millions of other people in your exact situation for that matter.

 

[fleetingnight]

I feel the same way. I sort of wish I couldn't see any good in life at all. At least I wouldn't feel regret about leaving anything behind. It's miserable to think that happiness exists, only out of reach.

 

[uglyugly]

I can relate - we have box cutters at work too and I was so bad the other day I couldn't think about much other than cutting myself right then and there on the sales floor.

I spend 5.5 years in a job I loathed and by the end of my time there I was exceptionally suicidal because I was so damn miserable in that job. I had a highly abusive, lying manipulator for a boss and there was just no way out of his shit, so I quit even though it meant that I'm now in poverty. That sucks in a different way, but at least I'm not being abused for 40 hours a week any more.

I really hope you are able to get out of that job and find something you enjoy. Regardless of the path you take to ctb or not, you deserve to be at peace.