![SmallRedHawk](/data/avatars/l/67/67086.jpg?1687064517)
SmallRedHawk
Member
- Jun 16, 2023
- 9
I finally found things I want to learn, I am learning to code and I have accepted that I am an awkward autistic person and that I'm "weird". I'm happy with myself, mostly. It sounds like I am doing well.
But I still have to try kill myself even if I don't want to die. There is not enough time in life just to chase my interests. I have to work and pay bills and eat. I can't do it anymore guys. I hate my job and I can't find a different one. I see the box cutters at work and I just want to slit my throat open in front of everyone. My life is just consumed by dread about going to work. I don't know what to do, I already tried looking for other jobs but they are all the same and the ones I would like to do aren't hiring. I don't know if I can hold out and keep waiting for something better. I don't want to die, there is so much I want to learn, things I want to read and watch, but I can't keep living if I have to work at this shitty job. Last night I spent the entire shift trying not to break down, and I was planning how I would go to the wharf and drown myself as soon as my shift finished, but it was a late night and the only thought that stopped me was that I didn't want to ruin my mum's sleep if she realised I never came home that night and worried. I wish I did it though, now I have to go to work again today and poison my mind even more with suicidal thoughts which is all I can think about while I am at work.
But I still have to try kill myself even if I don't want to die. There is not enough time in life just to chase my interests. I have to work and pay bills and eat. I can't do it anymore guys. I hate my job and I can't find a different one. I see the box cutters at work and I just want to slit my throat open in front of everyone. My life is just consumed by dread about going to work. I don't know what to do, I already tried looking for other jobs but they are all the same and the ones I would like to do aren't hiring. I don't know if I can hold out and keep waiting for something better. I don't want to die, there is so much I want to learn, things I want to read and watch, but I can't keep living if I have to work at this shitty job. Last night I spent the entire shift trying not to break down, and I was planning how I would go to the wharf and drown myself as soon as my shift finished, but it was a late night and the only thought that stopped me was that I didn't want to ruin my mum's sleep if she realised I never came home that night and worried. I wish I did it though, now I have to go to work again today and poison my mind even more with suicidal thoughts which is all I can think about while I am at work.