This is my first post on here so hello.
I'm also someone who is very bad at explaining things so I apologize if this post is all over the place.
Honestly all of my life hasn't been the best. I would say it started when I was 3 or 4 and my parents divorced. Now it wasn't because of the divorce though I'm sure I was upset about it at the time. The main part about this is that my dad then later on met my step mom.
An emotionally and mentally abusive bitch.
My life then went from it just being me, my dad and my brother to then the three of us and my step mom and her kids. And because of this my childhood and elementary school sucked because my dad was only focused on my step mom and just always seemed annoyed with me and my brother. And my step siblings made it pretty clear they didn't like me and my brother. So I spent elementary school just really alone and dealing with a not so great home life.
Middle school came and that was when my mental health reached an all time low. Mostly again because of home life. And that was when I first started getting suicidal thoughts, in 7th grade. And I had my first and only attempt which wasn't even really one but it was the closest I got to physically doing something. Basically just went to take a bath when I was upset which was an awful idea because then I was like what if I just drown and I did lay under water for a while but I ended up getting too scared and I didn't.
High school came. The beginning was rough because I had to leave my old school (it was both a middle and a high school but my dad forced me to leave) and leave all of my friends. I spent the entire first week of high school thinking about jumping off the balcony at my sisters place since we were there for the week.
However the rest of high school was very up and down with my suicidal thoughts. My mental health actually improved a bunch in high school. I did get suicidal in sophomore year but it was only seasonal depression and I truly started to think that I was no longer suicidal and I just wanted to keep on living.
Then in junior year there was a time where I could have been put back into the situation I was in, in middle school and that really triggered me. I got the most suicidal I ever had (at least at the time) and I was very close to doing it but I managed to get myself out of it.
Senior year went along fine I guess. It was online so I don't remember much. But I wasn't depressed or anything.
Except for the last couple months.
Where I truly got to the most suicidal I had ever been.
I spent an entire week just thinking about hanging myself. I tried to think about the normal stuff that would pull me out of it but I found that I just didn't care anymore, there wasn't anything keeping me here. My thoughts got so far to the point where I started feeling like I wanted to experience dying. I wanted to feel myself slowly being strangled. I believed that at one point I would feel peace and that was what I wanted. For the first time I had an actual plan.
But as you can see I somehow got out of it. And if you try to ask me how my answer is I legitimately have no idea.
After it I was just left very confused. I hadn't been dealing with depression at the time, I deal with anxiety more than depression these days. I legitimately have no idea what happened. It came out of nowhere.
After a while I just accepted the fact that it was just something that happened and maybe I shouldn't think so much about it.
And as the title says I don't really know what my mental health is now. I feel happy. The only main mental issue I deal with is anxiety. Yet I am still suicidal. I still want to commit suicide.
By this point I just think it's become such a huge part of my life and I think by now the reason why I am suicidal is both because I want to be the one who decides when and how I die plus I'm very afraid of the future and I've learned that I'm someone who can't cope with hard times.
I am 99% sure the way I'll die is by suicide.
So by now I am just chilling through life and I think I'll just commit suicide when I feel like it's time. I don't even really fear death anymore. I'm kinda just meh about it. Or really care if I have pain when I die, just as long as I die. The thing I'm the most scared about is failing and getting brain damage or something like that.
My plan has changed by now. I want to die by carbon monoxide. (It also might change in the future. I know a lot of people on here talk about N and SN but I don't know much about them and I feel like I want to stick to something I'm comfortable with since carbon monoxide I know more about)
And yeah. I also wanna say I am really glad that this site exists. I don't have anyone I can really tell these thoughts to.
And thank you if you read my very long post.
I'm also someone who is very bad at explaining things so I apologize if this post is all over the place.
Honestly all of my life hasn't been the best. I would say it started when I was 3 or 4 and my parents divorced. Now it wasn't because of the divorce though I'm sure I was upset about it at the time. The main part about this is that my dad then later on met my step mom.
An emotionally and mentally abusive bitch.
My life then went from it just being me, my dad and my brother to then the three of us and my step mom and her kids. And because of this my childhood and elementary school sucked because my dad was only focused on my step mom and just always seemed annoyed with me and my brother. And my step siblings made it pretty clear they didn't like me and my brother. So I spent elementary school just really alone and dealing with a not so great home life.
Middle school came and that was when my mental health reached an all time low. Mostly again because of home life. And that was when I first started getting suicidal thoughts, in 7th grade. And I had my first and only attempt which wasn't even really one but it was the closest I got to physically doing something. Basically just went to take a bath when I was upset which was an awful idea because then I was like what if I just drown and I did lay under water for a while but I ended up getting too scared and I didn't.
High school came. The beginning was rough because I had to leave my old school (it was both a middle and a high school but my dad forced me to leave) and leave all of my friends. I spent the entire first week of high school thinking about jumping off the balcony at my sisters place since we were there for the week.
However the rest of high school was very up and down with my suicidal thoughts. My mental health actually improved a bunch in high school. I did get suicidal in sophomore year but it was only seasonal depression and I truly started to think that I was no longer suicidal and I just wanted to keep on living.
Then in junior year there was a time where I could have been put back into the situation I was in, in middle school and that really triggered me. I got the most suicidal I ever had (at least at the time) and I was very close to doing it but I managed to get myself out of it.
Senior year went along fine I guess. It was online so I don't remember much. But I wasn't depressed or anything.
Except for the last couple months.
Where I truly got to the most suicidal I had ever been.
I spent an entire week just thinking about hanging myself. I tried to think about the normal stuff that would pull me out of it but I found that I just didn't care anymore, there wasn't anything keeping me here. My thoughts got so far to the point where I started feeling like I wanted to experience dying. I wanted to feel myself slowly being strangled. I believed that at one point I would feel peace and that was what I wanted. For the first time I had an actual plan.
But as you can see I somehow got out of it. And if you try to ask me how my answer is I legitimately have no idea.
After it I was just left very confused. I hadn't been dealing with depression at the time, I deal with anxiety more than depression these days. I legitimately have no idea what happened. It came out of nowhere.
After a while I just accepted the fact that it was just something that happened and maybe I shouldn't think so much about it.
And as the title says I don't really know what my mental health is now. I feel happy. The only main mental issue I deal with is anxiety. Yet I am still suicidal. I still want to commit suicide.
By this point I just think it's become such a huge part of my life and I think by now the reason why I am suicidal is both because I want to be the one who decides when and how I die plus I'm very afraid of the future and I've learned that I'm someone who can't cope with hard times.
I am 99% sure the way I'll die is by suicide.
So by now I am just chilling through life and I think I'll just commit suicide when I feel like it's time. I don't even really fear death anymore. I'm kinda just meh about it. Or really care if I have pain when I die, just as long as I die. The thing I'm the most scared about is failing and getting brain damage or something like that.
My plan has changed by now. I want to die by carbon monoxide. (It also might change in the future. I know a lot of people on here talk about N and SN but I don't know much about them and I feel like I want to stick to something I'm comfortable with since carbon monoxide I know more about)
And yeah. I also wanna say I am really glad that this site exists. I don't have anyone I can really tell these thoughts to.
And thank you if you read my very long post.
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