selfaware?
New Member
- Apr 14, 2025
- 3
Hello, hope y'all are doing great.
Honestly im new to these forums, still learning how to use them, ngl it feels weird to vent online, but this seemed like a good place.
So, besides that context, ill tell how my life/mental health has been going recently.
Okay, so currently it's like 9am in the morning, and im on my room with my pc again, honestly i dont know why im still here, because im spending more than 10hours a day inside this place, i started missing Uni classes, isolating myself from my newly created social groups and having bad physical health too. But its weird, because i know what im doing is wrong, but at the same time i keep this behaviour. I've always been a little bit self destructive, overthinker, and had self worth issues, but things got worse since i've started my 2nd year on uni (like 2 months ago). Even tho every person that gets to know me at least at a medium level always tells me im such a good and kind person and that im too intelligent, so when im feeling well, i realize, "wait, they are right, im actually kind, always worrying about everyone else (tho to an extreme, it isnt that healthy ngl) and intelligent (in the way of being curious, fast learning, problem solving, maths, and some extra things), i just need to do the things and stop with the self boycott" but, not long after i go back to the usual depressive mood.
Recently my sleep schedule became even more screwed, since i've started missing classes i started staying awake all night, sleeping through all the day and waking up at night time. I feel bad, but at the same time i feel numb... I noticed my physical health isnt going well, i've always been overweight, (due to not being consistent with exercise, and being on my pc basically been my everyday since the pandemic), but now besides overweight and well some cholesterol issues, i started feeling extra sleepy (oh, i forgot to mention, i always overslept a lot, im sleeping like 10-12hs a day), and a lot more anxious, i dont know if im also extra stressed due to the exams that are coming up, (i barely studied the subjects i need, and the first partial exams come in less than a week). Not to mention i also feel like hyperactive while playing on my PC or using it, my hands started to shake sometimes and im feeling a little bit numb. I didnt expose to sunlight for like 5 days now that i think of.
Its like all my previous issues started intensifying... But still tho i dont know what im feeling, i dont know if im depressed because i dont feel like that painful sadness, and when im online playing with friends i can laugh, and "enjoy it" (when we disconnect i feel kind of empty), love listening to music and enjoy watching anime series and reading manga but at the same time i dont do my basic academic/health responsabilites, luckily i'm good with my hygiene. I know IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, my mom is so worried about me and i didnt realize that i was so fucked up till i watched her expression. I started reconsidering if depression is when u really lose the ability to enjoy. I knew theres a scale, but still, i refused to think im depressed, now im starting to think a lot more about this.
I forgot to mention, i've went to psychologists since pretty young due to having "anger issues" (extreme sensibility) and also psychiatrists (been on meds since like 11yo? [later on i realized they were antidepressants and mood stabilizers], this plan was good, we were slowing reducing it since i've became more mature and older (cant believe im going to turn 19 next month), but now i feel my symptoms are worse so i dont know) tho i have an appointment with my medic in like a month from now, im starting to think that i really need the help now. I've booked an appointment with him last month but i didnt go because i overslept... I have problems with assisting to appointments or social reunions. Even tho i want to go i end up not going.
Its weird, i dont know how im feeling but at the same time im overthinking "hey, i know what im doing is bad for my health and future, but lets keep doing it, does it even matter at this point? we can fix it later" refusing to believe im not okay. Im confused and lost. My career is the one i always loved and still do, i have plans for the future, but still dont do anything to pursue em. Its like im in a limbo.
Obviously add up to all this recent stuff general worries and problems from an average 18yo such as:
I feel so worthless in the romantic environment, never had a girlfriend nor a kiss, and 100% of the girls i liked they only viewed me as a friend. (Idk why i think a partner will help me but the thought is still there. I kind of resigned to that but i still feel a void there)
I feel too much pressure with the "new life" im living, uni, responsabilities, etc.
And well most of the things i've said before also affect me. I dont really mind being overweight (tho for health reasons i have to go back to normal) but still its like i feel im ugly or kind of less attractive than others for being like this.
And i care too much of what other says about me.
Thank you for reading, while writing it i've organized a little bit my thoughts. Have a nice day, if you have any advice about anything i've said or any story similar to mine please let me know, i hope im not the only one.
Oh, also to add up, i created this nickname due to the feeling of doubting my self awareness, sometimes i feel im too aware and then like im at 0%.
Honestly im new to these forums, still learning how to use them, ngl it feels weird to vent online, but this seemed like a good place.
So, besides that context, ill tell how my life/mental health has been going recently.
Okay, so currently it's like 9am in the morning, and im on my room with my pc again, honestly i dont know why im still here, because im spending more than 10hours a day inside this place, i started missing Uni classes, isolating myself from my newly created social groups and having bad physical health too. But its weird, because i know what im doing is wrong, but at the same time i keep this behaviour. I've always been a little bit self destructive, overthinker, and had self worth issues, but things got worse since i've started my 2nd year on uni (like 2 months ago). Even tho every person that gets to know me at least at a medium level always tells me im such a good and kind person and that im too intelligent, so when im feeling well, i realize, "wait, they are right, im actually kind, always worrying about everyone else (tho to an extreme, it isnt that healthy ngl) and intelligent (in the way of being curious, fast learning, problem solving, maths, and some extra things), i just need to do the things and stop with the self boycott" but, not long after i go back to the usual depressive mood.
Recently my sleep schedule became even more screwed, since i've started missing classes i started staying awake all night, sleeping through all the day and waking up at night time. I feel bad, but at the same time i feel numb... I noticed my physical health isnt going well, i've always been overweight, (due to not being consistent with exercise, and being on my pc basically been my everyday since the pandemic), but now besides overweight and well some cholesterol issues, i started feeling extra sleepy (oh, i forgot to mention, i always overslept a lot, im sleeping like 10-12hs a day), and a lot more anxious, i dont know if im also extra stressed due to the exams that are coming up, (i barely studied the subjects i need, and the first partial exams come in less than a week). Not to mention i also feel like hyperactive while playing on my PC or using it, my hands started to shake sometimes and im feeling a little bit numb. I didnt expose to sunlight for like 5 days now that i think of.
Its like all my previous issues started intensifying... But still tho i dont know what im feeling, i dont know if im depressed because i dont feel like that painful sadness, and when im online playing with friends i can laugh, and "enjoy it" (when we disconnect i feel kind of empty), love listening to music and enjoy watching anime series and reading manga but at the same time i dont do my basic academic/health responsabilites, luckily i'm good with my hygiene. I know IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, my mom is so worried about me and i didnt realize that i was so fucked up till i watched her expression. I started reconsidering if depression is when u really lose the ability to enjoy. I knew theres a scale, but still, i refused to think im depressed, now im starting to think a lot more about this.
I forgot to mention, i've went to psychologists since pretty young due to having "anger issues" (extreme sensibility) and also psychiatrists (been on meds since like 11yo? [later on i realized they were antidepressants and mood stabilizers], this plan was good, we were slowing reducing it since i've became more mature and older (cant believe im going to turn 19 next month), but now i feel my symptoms are worse so i dont know) tho i have an appointment with my medic in like a month from now, im starting to think that i really need the help now. I've booked an appointment with him last month but i didnt go because i overslept... I have problems with assisting to appointments or social reunions. Even tho i want to go i end up not going.
Its weird, i dont know how im feeling but at the same time im overthinking "hey, i know what im doing is bad for my health and future, but lets keep doing it, does it even matter at this point? we can fix it later" refusing to believe im not okay. Im confused and lost. My career is the one i always loved and still do, i have plans for the future, but still dont do anything to pursue em. Its like im in a limbo.
Obviously add up to all this recent stuff general worries and problems from an average 18yo such as:
I feel so worthless in the romantic environment, never had a girlfriend nor a kiss, and 100% of the girls i liked they only viewed me as a friend. (Idk why i think a partner will help me but the thought is still there. I kind of resigned to that but i still feel a void there)
I feel too much pressure with the "new life" im living, uni, responsabilities, etc.
And well most of the things i've said before also affect me. I dont really mind being overweight (tho for health reasons i have to go back to normal) but still its like i feel im ugly or kind of less attractive than others for being like this.
And i care too much of what other says about me.
Thank you for reading, while writing it i've organized a little bit my thoughts. Have a nice day, if you have any advice about anything i've said or any story similar to mine please let me know, i hope im not the only one.
Oh, also to add up, i created this nickname due to the feeling of doubting my self awareness, sometimes i feel im too aware and then like im at 0%.
