I don’t even know now who am I

[hannila_m]

Decided long time ago (2-3 yrs ago) that I am going to CTB "soon".

This decision made me feel.. relief? And made me also… don't judge me, quite ignorant. I don't obey to any rules, I lie a lot, I eat sh*t… I don't even know who I am right now. I'm a very bad person.

Cause if I know that I am gonna die soon, what is the point of everything?

Can anybody relate? :(( I don't wanna be that monster.. but it's a trap…

 

[mortuarymary]

Being alive is trap only you can escape.

 

[hannila_m]

I want to. But constantly something seems to stop me so I postpone my bus all the time…

 

[dinosavr]

I'm somewhere at the beginning of the same situation. I've always been a good girl, straight A student, catholic, etc.
Now I don't care anymore. I feel like a mistake because I still have this innocent look of a blonde, pale and shy girl, all shaky, with her eyes always looking down, who can barely go to a supermarket by herself, but in the same time, I keep lying, I literally have poison in my closet, I can't feel sorry for anyone anymore when they mention their problems. I want to get drunk a lot more often, I would like to start using drugs or stealing stuff. Just for the hell of it. I kind of enjoy feeling pain, seeing blood or bruises. All the bad things seem so attractive to me now

 

[hannila_m]

I'm somewhere at the beginning of the same situation. I've always been a good girl, straight A student, catholic, etc.
Now I don't care anymore. I feel like a mistake because I still have this innocent look of a blonde, pale and shy girl, all shaky, with her eyes always looking down, who can barely go to a supermarket by herself, but in the same time, I keep lying, I literally have poison in my closet, I can't feel sorry for anyone anymore when they mention their problems. I want to get drunk a lot more often, I would like to start using drugs or stealing stuff. Just for the hell of it. I kind of enjoy feeling pain, seeing blood or bruises. All the bad things seem so attractive to me now

Oh I totally get this. Big hug for you.

And all those people who consider me to be a good girl.. right?
Also got the poison in my closest. SN powder and 1.4 BDO. Nobody knows about that. It is so strange right?

 

[mortuarymary]

I want to. But constantly something seems to stop me so I postpone my bus all the time…

Not your time yet then.

 

[hannila_m]

Not your time yet then.

How can you distinguish that it is not someone's time from just being a coward?

 

[matt1968]

I totally understand this.

I'm older but have had years being a good citizen and worker.

Now just not doing anything, lying and just waiting to die. I keep postponing apart from one quite serious practice.

I still comply with meds and various mh appointments without feeling any hope or commitment to get better.

Sending you my best wishes.

 

[hannila_m]

I

I totally understand this.

I'm older but have had years being a good citizen and worker.

Now just not doing anything, lying and just waiting to die. I keep postponing apart from one quite serious practice.

I still comply with meds and various mh appointments without feeling any hope or commitment to get better.

Sending you my best wishes.

I feel you and I'm so sorry. I'm 30.

Lying and just wanting to die.. this is so familiar.

I send you hugs and best wishes too.

 

[Neverfeltdeader]

I have actually started to do the opposite. I have always been a people pleaser and always tried to never hurt anyone's feelings, but now I'm finding myself speaking the truth telling people things that fucking hurt them. I just don't care anymore and I cry everywhere (something I used to be ashamed of doing in public). I also avoid speaking to people who seem to care about me, pushing people further away and I don't even try to smile in social situations. I wish I had the guts to ctb already.

 

[hannila_m]

I have actually started to do the opposite. I have always been a people pleaser and always tried to never hurt anyone's feelings, but now I'm finding myself speaking the truth telling people things that fucking hurt them. I just don't care anymore and I cry everywhere (something I used to be ashamed of doing in public). I also avoid speaking to people who seem to care about me, pushing people further away and I don't even try to smile in social situations. I wish I had the guts to ctb already.

I think it sounds good. Good for you.
Best wishes!

 

[Mitsumi]

I understand

 

[Nofuture1234]

Understandable, hard to worry about rules that you know don't matter or apply to everyone equally even when you want to live, let alone when you don't even want to be here. I've felt like just a shell for a very long time now. I'm not sure if I have an actual 'personality' anymore.

 

[hannila_m]

Understandable, hard to worry about rules that you know don't matter or apply to everyone equally even when you want to live, let alone when you don't even want to be here. I've felt like just a shell for a very long time now. I'm not sure if I have an actual 'personality' anymore.

Oh yes, that is EXACTLY what I feel. Thank you for sharing.