On one level I don't care too much, I had an unhappy childhood at their hands, I never felt loved, and I never felt that they tried to understand me. Both were emotionally abusive. It always felt like they were siding against me, and criticizing me even when I tried my hardest and did well. I wanted their approval so badly, but when I saw that nothing I did seemed to be good enough I just stopped trying, and instead sabotaged my own life, hoping that if I just failed at everything I wouldn't have to deal with their expectations anymore. I never told them about what I really want to do with my life because I thought they'd be disappointed by it.
I kind of want to leave a detailed and, if not angry, then at least critical suicide note explaining all of this, but... I'm blessed or maybe cursed with excellent long-term memory, I have very clear memories of kindergarten and pre-school, even from being a toddler, and I can even remember all the way back to when I was still in a crib, when I don't think I could even talk yet.
And when I think of how innocent and happy I was when I was tiny, and about how my mom carried me and gave birth to me, and both my parents sacrificed to provide me with at least my material needs, and the memories I have of them teaching me things and playing games with me as an infant... those are actually genuinely nice memories, and every time I've been close to ctb my mind flashes back to those days, and who I was before the world tore me to pieces and my family started to fall apart (thanks baby boomer parents), and I just can't do it anymore. And then I think of what it'll be like when people are going through my baby pictures after I've left, and what I'd feel if it was my child... So I think when I ctb I'm going to try and leave a note saying it's not their fault, that I love everybody, but I can't stay in this world. I lived quietly, suffering in silence, trying to preserve harmony and protect other people's feelings, so maybe I should leave in the same way.
It just makes me feel so sad. We were all beautiful little kids, and now we're going to die young: broken, scared and alone.
