FailGirl
(￣ー￣)
- Mar 25, 2025
- 2
I hate being approached by homeless people. As you'd expect, they beg. I understand, especially since I used to be homeless. My homelessness didn't end 'til a couple of months ago after I moved into my apartment.
Despite the fact that I used to be homeless, I 'hate' homeless people. More so I hate being asked for money or food by homeless people. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm never rude. Usually, I'm able to help and I do. But the entire time I'm doing so, I'm cursing at them in my head. It's worse when those around me congratulate me, hailing me as a good person because all I can think is 'I'm not. Honestly, I wish this person never came up to me.' In actuality, I laugh, nervously, and say it's nothing. Ultimately, to me, it is (nothing). Even if it wasn't, I could say no. However, I can't help, but be filled with a seething rage (and guilt).
Growing up in an abusive household, being homeless, being in the military, etc., I quickly learned that a lot of people don't care; especially if you tend to mess up over and over again. It doesn't matter if they're family. It doesn't matter if they're friends. I have been treated like garbage by everyone.
'What does this have to do with helping the homeless?' It's so infuriating leaving a situation to go...anywhere (because homeless people are everywhere)--specifically to buy something to, like, cheer you up, only to be asked for help by a homeless person. I had this happen to me multiple times as a homeless person! To them, I'm a stranger, so they don't know my story. But the fact that they don't know my story, don't know that I was/used to be in the same situation as them, but ask for help from me pisses me off. I'm not blaming them. They're cold, they're starving. They don't care and they don't have to care...but why should I care?
Life isn't fair. I believe I'm 'lucky'. I was able to find a place. I am able to pay all of my bills in full and on time. After doing so, I have quite a bit of money leftover for whatever.
But the money I earn doesn't just fall into my lap. It's compensation/pension for disability after getting hurt (in the military). Beforehand, life was rough (abuse, assault, bullying, harassment, stalking, couch surfing, unemployment, hospitalizations, etc.). I feel lucky, but I feel like I earned it too after everything that I've been through. (Even so, I know that a lot of people don't get what they deserve after everything that they've been through.) I'm not rich. I live in a rented one-bedroom apartment in an area that's plagued with homelessness, but I'd say I'm comfortable.
Basically, I've realized that a lot of people don't care about those who aren't beneficial to them, especially strangers. Even then, after you've benefitted them, you're nothing to them--only coming around again when in need. Obviously. It makes sense. I guess I feel slighted because everyone has given me the middle finger, but when they're in need, they come to me.
I know I'm being unfair. Like I said, I'm a stranger to them and they're a stranger to me. I should reserve all of my hatred for those who have wronged me (and, for the most part, I do). At the end of the day, I'm empathetic. We're no different and life isn't kind to everyone.
Despite having empathy and understanding, I don't want to help anyone anymore. Not only was no one there for me, but people are leeches. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. I may be being beneficial to them, but they're not being beneficial to me. I don't even feel joy after helping someone.
I'm a bad person, but I don't care. Even if I did, I did enough. Especially for those who didn't deserve it (I'm not talking about homeless people. I'm talking about family/friends).
I don't know if I should've posted this in Recovery or not because I believe my way of thinking (not caring about others) can be useful, but I don't know if it's more useful to those trying to recover or those trying to die. Regardless, I posted it here because it's pretty pessimistic.
In my previous post (to Recovery), a user suggested that I look into volunteering. (Arguably my military service was volunteering, but I know what they meant.) I have a lot of respect for volunteers and I'm not mad at the user for suggesting it...but no. I believe it's better to be uncaring than caring--at least for certain people. I know I'm not the first person bring up this 'philosophy', I guess, but I'm doing it again because I feel like a lot of people don't in fear of ridicule.
I have people that I care about that I'll do anything for (that I can count on one hand), but, outside of them, I don't care about anyone else.
Despite the fact that I used to be homeless, I 'hate' homeless people. More so I hate being asked for money or food by homeless people. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm never rude. Usually, I'm able to help and I do. But the entire time I'm doing so, I'm cursing at them in my head. It's worse when those around me congratulate me, hailing me as a good person because all I can think is 'I'm not. Honestly, I wish this person never came up to me.' In actuality, I laugh, nervously, and say it's nothing. Ultimately, to me, it is (nothing). Even if it wasn't, I could say no. However, I can't help, but be filled with a seething rage (and guilt).
Growing up in an abusive household, being homeless, being in the military, etc., I quickly learned that a lot of people don't care; especially if you tend to mess up over and over again. It doesn't matter if they're family. It doesn't matter if they're friends. I have been treated like garbage by everyone.
'What does this have to do with helping the homeless?' It's so infuriating leaving a situation to go...anywhere (because homeless people are everywhere)--specifically to buy something to, like, cheer you up, only to be asked for help by a homeless person. I had this happen to me multiple times as a homeless person! To them, I'm a stranger, so they don't know my story. But the fact that they don't know my story, don't know that I was/used to be in the same situation as them, but ask for help from me pisses me off. I'm not blaming them. They're cold, they're starving. They don't care and they don't have to care...but why should I care?
Life isn't fair. I believe I'm 'lucky'. I was able to find a place. I am able to pay all of my bills in full and on time. After doing so, I have quite a bit of money leftover for whatever.
But the money I earn doesn't just fall into my lap. It's compensation/pension for disability after getting hurt (in the military). Beforehand, life was rough (abuse, assault, bullying, harassment, stalking, couch surfing, unemployment, hospitalizations, etc.). I feel lucky, but I feel like I earned it too after everything that I've been through. (Even so, I know that a lot of people don't get what they deserve after everything that they've been through.) I'm not rich. I live in a rented one-bedroom apartment in an area that's plagued with homelessness, but I'd say I'm comfortable.
Basically, I've realized that a lot of people don't care about those who aren't beneficial to them, especially strangers. Even then, after you've benefitted them, you're nothing to them--only coming around again when in need. Obviously. It makes sense. I guess I feel slighted because everyone has given me the middle finger, but when they're in need, they come to me.
I know I'm being unfair. Like I said, I'm a stranger to them and they're a stranger to me. I should reserve all of my hatred for those who have wronged me (and, for the most part, I do). At the end of the day, I'm empathetic. We're no different and life isn't kind to everyone.
Despite having empathy and understanding, I don't want to help anyone anymore. Not only was no one there for me, but people are leeches. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. I may be being beneficial to them, but they're not being beneficial to me. I don't even feel joy after helping someone.
I'm a bad person, but I don't care. Even if I did, I did enough. Especially for those who didn't deserve it (I'm not talking about homeless people. I'm talking about family/friends).
I don't know if I should've posted this in Recovery or not because I believe my way of thinking (not caring about others) can be useful, but I don't know if it's more useful to those trying to recover or those trying to die. Regardless, I posted it here because it's pretty pessimistic.
In my previous post (to Recovery), a user suggested that I look into volunteering. (Arguably my military service was volunteering, but I know what they meant.) I have a lot of respect for volunteers and I'm not mad at the user for suggesting it...but no. I believe it's better to be uncaring than caring--at least for certain people. I know I'm not the first person bring up this 'philosophy', I guess, but I'm doing it again because I feel like a lot of people don't in fear of ridicule.
I have people that I care about that I'll do anything for (that I can count on one hand), but, outside of them, I don't care about anyone else.
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