I'm 42. I've worked hard to ba a good person, a good friend to those around me, to be worthy of love from those who made me believe they did.
But. My two best friends, one who I've known for 20yrs, the other for 15yrs (and was my partner when I first knew them) know I'm suicidal, and yet even after one of them agreed to check in with me once a week, I've still been forgotten about. I matter so little that even though they know I'm struggling to hold on, that I'm drowning basically, that I'm actually totally alone now, I still don't matter enough for them to remember to check if I'm dead or not. Even though I also have chronic health problems that mean being this alone is a bit dicey.
It's not just them either. A while back, I spent a month or so making a jumper for a "friend", for no other reason than I wanted to do a nice thing for them. I offered to do it, and they didn't pay me for anything other than materials.
When it was ready, all they suddenly cared about was getting it RIGHT NOW because that was what they wanted. Even though I had said that I realty wanted to deliver it so I would have the pleasure of seeing them try it on, that that mattered to me. No. "I want it now".
They said they would at least send me a photo of themself in it. So the jumper got passed along to them via a mutual friend.. and that was the end of it. I never even got that message. The thing I said was important to me mattered so little to them, even after I'd gone out of my way making this thing for them for over a month, for free, didn't matter at all. My worth to them was that little
I'd even rather that people had actively chosen to cut me out of their lives. Sure, that would hurt. But being forgotten about by people who were supposed to be family somehow feels so much worse. Especially being told, by someone who spent six years telling you you mattered to them, that you somehow (literally Inn barely the space of 12h), suddenly matter so little to them that you don't even deserve to be treated with decency. That you're suddenly, so immediately, so terrible that they have to get away from you like you're a nuclear hot potato. Like you're a disease. Like you're a living nightmare.
Except of course that's what I'm trapped in now. They can move in on in their life barely even noticing my absence. My world is broken beyond repair. *I* am broken beyond repair.
But. My two best friends, one who I've known for 20yrs, the other for 15yrs (and was my partner when I first knew them) know I'm suicidal, and yet even after one of them agreed to check in with me once a week, I've still been forgotten about. I matter so little that even though they know I'm struggling to hold on, that I'm drowning basically, that I'm actually totally alone now, I still don't matter enough for them to remember to check if I'm dead or not. Even though I also have chronic health problems that mean being this alone is a bit dicey.
It's not just them either. A while back, I spent a month or so making a jumper for a "friend", for no other reason than I wanted to do a nice thing for them. I offered to do it, and they didn't pay me for anything other than materials.
When it was ready, all they suddenly cared about was getting it RIGHT NOW because that was what they wanted. Even though I had said that I realty wanted to deliver it so I would have the pleasure of seeing them try it on, that that mattered to me. No. "I want it now".
They said they would at least send me a photo of themself in it. So the jumper got passed along to them via a mutual friend.. and that was the end of it. I never even got that message. The thing I said was important to me mattered so little to them, even after I'd gone out of my way making this thing for them for over a month, for free, didn't matter at all. My worth to them was that little
I'd even rather that people had actively chosen to cut me out of their lives. Sure, that would hurt. But being forgotten about by people who were supposed to be family somehow feels so much worse. Especially being told, by someone who spent six years telling you you mattered to them, that you somehow (literally Inn barely the space of 12h), suddenly matter so little to them that you don't even deserve to be treated with decency. That you're suddenly, so immediately, so terrible that they have to get away from you like you're a nuclear hot potato. Like you're a disease. Like you're a living nightmare.
Except of course that's what I'm trapped in now. They can move in on in their life barely even noticing my absence. My world is broken beyond repair. *I* am broken beyond repair.
