I did not do it, im sorry.

[GoSan1]

My date to CTB was set for the night of the 24th of November, went for a 4-hour long walk yesterday, with my backpack full of everything needed for SN poisoning. All of that, just for me not to do it. All that talk, all those comments of me giving advice to others and telling them how to end it, just to not be able to end it myself. And what is even worse, there was no SI, no fear, normal heart rate, and my thoughts were calm, it was something that just blocked me from doing it. Nothing I could explain, but while I had the plan to do it, my body wouldn't even execute it. As if my soul was denied the say on what to do next. So I just went to bed ashamed of myself. Had a terrible night, so at least I got some punishment for it.

I will still use this Site as a reminder of all the pain around this world, but I doubt I will advise on different methods for a while now. I mean how can one who couldn't do it himself, give others advice on how to? I'm a fool really. I'm also making this post just to feel better about myself, but also to apologize to those I deceived. Free will should allow me to do it some other time maybe, but until I figure out what stopped me, I don't think I will be able to. Time to reflect on everything now. I don't want to continue honestly...
I wish it would end for all of us that want it to end...

I'm sorry.

 

[littleraccoon3]

Birçok insan, zaman zaman ne yapacağını veya nasıl ilerleyeceğini bilemez. Hissettiğiniz yalnızlık, karmaşıklık ve belirsizlik tamamen insanidir ve geçicidir. "Aptal" olduğunuzu hissetmeniz, acının ve zor bir durumun sonucudur, ancak bu sizi tanımlamaz. Hepimiz bazen zorluklarla karşılaşırız ve başkalarına yardım etmek bazen kendi mücadelelerimizi daha iyi anlamamıza yardımcı olabilir.
Şu anda sizin için en iyi tavsiye, kendinize karşı sabırlı olmanız ve bu süreçte kendinize karşı daha nazik olmanızdır. Şimdi yapmanız gereken şey, kendinizi çok fazla zorlamamak ve bu anı atlatmak için küçük adımlar atmaktır. Yardım istemek bir güçtür ve başkalarına tavsiye verirken bile kendinizi iyileştirmenin yollarını keşfedebilirsiniz. Başkalarına yardım etmek bazen kendi acımızla yüzleşmemize yardımcı olabilir.
Sana ana dilimde bir şarkı hediye etmek istiyorum, yalnız değilsin.

 

[SVEN]

CTB is truly a hard one. Please be kinder to yourself. You're here in a place where we get it and no one will judge, criticise or condemn you. After all, we're still here ourselves.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

You don't have to apologise for not killing yourself. Suicide is, arguably, the most difficult thing that a human being can do due to how heavily restricted it is. Whether we like it or not, when it comes to life, we're heavily contingent on others to help us progress through life. After all, if we're struggling with a concept, we could just load up a youtube video or get a friend to assist us. However, when it comes to suicide, you're all alone and that adds an extra layer of complexity as everything that we do is somewhat dependent on others. Assisting others in suicide is a crime and, if you ever get caught during the attempt, you will be resuscitated against your will even if doing so will cause you to obtain permanent injuries during the process.

Sure, there's information on this site but that's the extent of the help that you'd get. You still have to do everything yourself and set it all up yourself. So, you know, I can't ever fault anybody who wants to kill themselves but fails to do so as suicide is simply the hardest thing for a human being to do due to other humans restricting suicide methods like it's fort knox.

If there's one thing that I want you to understand, I guess it'd be the fact that death is inevitable so it isn't like you lost the opportunity to die. No, you'd still die in the future anyway meaning that, if you want to, you can attempt again unless if you have to deal with somebody perpetually watching you due to you failing your attempt. Of course the choice is yours in the end but you don't have to apologise as it's understandable to not go through a suicide attempt

 

[LostLily]

No need to apologize, we understand that the act to ctb is hard. Maybe it just not your your time

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back! Don't be too hard to yourself. Don't feel bad for backing out. Suicide is extremely difficult. We're here for you!

 

[CatLvr]

Oh heavens!! I don't know how old you are but I am nearly 70 with several attempts under my belt. Some times I've gotten closer than others, but in the end, I have been unable to take that final life-ending step. Do NOT degrade or mistreat yourself over this. It is a horribly hard thing to do no matter how badly we want it.

Give yourself some grace. Why are we always so much harder on ourselves than we are on others?? We are here for you. Don't be ashamed to vent to us as much as you need to. This place never ceases to make me feel better when I think I can't take one more thing in my life going wrong or badly. I, for one, am still glad to see your name pop up!

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

It's so hard. I know a shotgun in my mouth would be painless. I know I have failed utterly and I threw away my future a long time ago. But actually doing it seems light years away.

 

[rozeske]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone here understands how it's not all so easy and straight forward. There is a lot of us with a few attempts and even more planned and canceled planned dates. So no need to apologize, you don't owe anyone your death. Such events can be hard. Take it easy, rest and eat well. Whatever tomorrow brings, try and take care of yourself first.

 

[Epilogue]

Don't blame yourself. It's hard and sometimes you feel that it's not the right choice. And that's okay.

Do it because you want to, not because you feel you need to or feel pressured to do so.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Suicide is the most difficult act u can do.

For me I'd have to overcome the fear of failing and remaining alive with brain damage