I did all this to myself

[ultrasharpy123456]

When I had a toothache months ago I didn't tell my mom or go to the dentist. When I had a rash on my testicles I told no one. And my doctor who wanted to help me a year ago I didn't go back to for treatment. Now it's affecting my whole body to the point where my digestive system is infected My poop is not normal anymore. I gave myself brain damage from the korean method attempts just trying to press down on my carotid artery.

I told my family but they don't really think it's serious. Or they do but when were going to go the hospital today (just my sister, brother, and I, not my mom) I got scared because I thought if I told them about my suicide attempts they'd put me in a psych ward. So we didn't go and just went home.

What's sickening is I feel like I'm still somewhat at peace because I do have my method. I have that shoelace. All I need to do is use it as per the manual and I will be gone in 30 mins.
I put myself in a really bad situation and the only way to get out if it is to die. I don't have a car or any money. All I have is my shoelace for my korean method. And it's my fault I should've gotten a job all those years ago.

 

[takemenowpls]

Same here. I listened to my wife and went down a bad path. That path has lasted 4 years. Now I can never work again and she left me to die. You are not alone

 

[waitingforrest]

It's awful that you had to go through all of this alone. You must feel so trapped. I wish your family would take you serriously and see the pain that you have been living through. That the issues you face are real and not "no big deal".

Spoiler

You don't need to reply, you can just answer in your head. Is it a candida infection, STD or something else? Candida or known as oral thrush can spread through the rest of the body. A off color tongue/mouth pain and spreading to digestion/GI tract issues are common symptoms. (Just sounded like it for me, remember I'm no doctor.)

Sorry if this sounded instrusive.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

It's awful that you had to go through all of this alone. You must feel so trapped. I wish your family would take you serriously and see the pain that you have been living through. That the issues you face are real and not "no big deal".

Spoiler

You don't need to reply, you can just answer in your head. Is it a candida infection, STD or something else? Candida or known as oral thrush can spread through the rest of the body. A off color tongue/mouth pain and spreading to digestion/GI tract issues are common symptoms. (Just sounded like it for me, remember I'm no doctor.)

Sorry if this sounded instrusive.

Candida SUCKS.

 

[theboy]

I hope you find peace, friend

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

It's awful that you had to go through all of this alone. You must feel so trapped. I wish your family would take you serriously and see the pain that you have been living through. That the issues you face are real and not "no big deal".

Spoiler

You don't need to reply, you can just answer in your head. Is it a candida infection, STD or something else? Candida or known as oral thrush can spread through the rest of the body. A off color tongue/mouth pain and spreading to digestion/GI tract issues are common symptoms. (Just sounded like it for me, remember I'm no doctor.)

Sorry if this sounded instrusive.

It's not their fault I mean they're doing the best they can. They said we can only wait for the doctor to give his diagnosis. It's just so sad because I know what's going on but they're so naive (and I mean this literally they are so innocent) and I'm heartbroken. I don't want to tell my mom I have to kill myself because I'm pretty sure I have an incurable problem where even if I do get fixed my lower body would have to be amputated and I would have to be left as a vegetable or with brain damage. I just feel so bad for my family.

And my mom DOES know I'm suicidal but she said she's not gonna call the mental hospital. She just said to at least wait for the 2nd before I do anything rastic. And tbh I feel like I have to ctb tomorrow.

I mean what am I even supposed to do? Imagine you woe up in your own body after watching yourself ruin your body nd now you finally realize what you did was wrong. Like what am I supposed to do in this situation? I can't just ask my mom to order a black powder pistol because then that would be assisted suicide and it's illegal. And I can't tell my doctor I have like maybe a terminal/life-threatening illness and I need to be killed because then he would put me in a psych ward/mental hospital.

I notice all the bad things I did in my life and I now realize how terrible of a human being I was. Like I was absolutely awful. And it's sad that it took brain damage for me to figure that out. Now I WANT to be a normal person. I WANT to live a boring life. I don't even care what job I get I want to live normally again. And I feel absolutely normal right now because for me it's 12:37 A.M but later on today my brain's gonna mess with me and my body will malfunction again. And I don't know how much longer I have left.

I actually now WANT to live or I wouldn't mind living because now there's so much things I want to do. But now it's too late.

And I should call the hospital. But to get a MRI I need a referral from my doctor. And I think I need immediate surgery but I don't know what to even say without sounding crazy. And I don't want them to inject me with things that'd make me worse.

All this would never have happened if I took care of those issues. I don't know why I didn't. It was like I was just watching myself do these things like I had no control over my body.

As for the infection I'm not sure. But on June 27th I had a panic attack because I couldn't breathe from the cough I refused to get fixed and then the next day I had some numbness and some little tension headache and because I left it untreated it grew into this. I have a whole book I wrote all the symptoms I have. I don't know what to do. If I go to a hospital they might just put me in the psych ward WITHOUT fixing my issues.
I really messed myself up. I just want to take it all back.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such an awful situation to be in and it must be really hard dealing with all the regrets. I do understand why you would feel at peace having a method ready, I know that for many it can be a relief having a way to leave all of the suffering behind. Best wishes.