I recently had an exam. I know that I have made at least two mistakes. In the last 5 minutes I changed my answers in two cases. And I probably changed the answers from the correct ones to the wrong ones. I despise myself for that. I think I probaby have passed the exam. My biggest fear is to fail it but I was pretty sure about most other questions. Due to child abuse performance pressure is triggering me extremely. I got worked up about the whole situation so much. I have extreme anxiety, extreme pressure sometimes it felt today as if I could throw up. I am despising myself for every single mistake I have made. It tortures me but I try to suppress it because soon there will be another exam. I feel so insanly bad. It feels weird. Sadness, madness and extreme sorrows. The ironic thing is even if I could get the degree of my subject I probably cannot work anyway. And when povery comes I gonna commit suicide.
And then there is the worst thing: I have extreme anxiety to fail even when I am extremely good prepared. My past exams were on subjects which I understood. But there will come in the next semesters extremely difficult exams. Most students who pass it pass is with a very bad grade. I think the pressure will break me. I mean today I am almost throwing up because I might have the third best grade. But in the subjects which I will have in the near future I will have to endure a lot of insecurities. And I cannot cope with that. I am an extreme control freak when I don't have everything under control I get extremely stressed. I think I will get psychotic. Then the extreme psychosomatic pain returns and then I am forced to ctb. My level of self-hatred will reach a new dimenson.
I will now worry extremely every single day until I get the results. It is quite insane. I got (very) good grades in my past exams. Though I am always extremely anxious about the results. And then when I recieved them and were good I barely felt anything positive. My anxiety to fail was gone but I don't feel like I deserve good grades. I have some affirmative actions due to my conditions and I spend way more time studying than other peers. If I don't reach perfection I feel embarrassed because I know there are students with better marks despite the fact they are doing less for college.
I have finished a David Foster Wallace story today. It should distract me. And it kind of did that. It is sometimes anti-manic for me. This man had huge mental problems and I recognize some parallels with him. Though this man was way way way smarter than me. He was an extreme genius. I can relate to some parts of his self-hatred which he describes on different meta levels. I get the cynicism he describes. The narcissim and self-absored nature of my pain. The thought loops which are just pure agony. This feeling I have to hate myself for something before other people can hate me for that thing. And my self-hatred has to be way bigger than the hate of other people. He also called himself a fraud all the time. I can relate to that a lot. Though there are differences. We both wanted lo leave a certain impression in the mind of other people. But my impressions are more associated with intelligence and being thin. I can relate to DFW'S pain a lot. But I think we are on different levels. His self-hatred is on multiple-layers. There is a coherent logic behind it and he is not able to distance himself from his thoughts. I think due to his extreme mental capacities his hell on different meta levels were way worse than mine. I have similar behaviors concerning over-analyzing. Though when I go in circles and my mind tortures me with endless thought-loops I can distance myself from it a little bit. But only when I am in a "good" time period of my illness. When you repeat the shit of self-hatred a thousand times in your head I reach a point after a while when I realize that my thoughts are quite self-centered. That my brain is fucking with me. Sometimes I can distract myself by playing video games, doing escapism and telling myself lies like my parents that everything will be fine in such situation. I think DFW could not do that. His self-hatred was more deep rooted. Though I have also some issues which DFW did not have. LIke he never had huge anxiety about poverty as far as I know and had stable relationships with women.
I can relate to DFW because I think he knew he will probably kill himself in the future. In the story I read today he describes the suicide of the narrator. At the end we learn about his name: David Wallace. Yeah 3 years after the story was published DFW hanged himself. When I read his literaure I often think I would like to hug him and tell him he is not such a bad person as he feels it. But I think even if I did that it would not have helped him much. But I see his desperation about his mental hell and I can relate a lot. Depression sometimes feels like a one man's hell. For example due to existential loneliness or the feeling of alienation.
And then there is the worst thing: I have extreme anxiety to fail even when I am extremely good prepared. My past exams were on subjects which I understood. But there will come in the next semesters extremely difficult exams. Most students who pass it pass is with a very bad grade. I think the pressure will break me. I mean today I am almost throwing up because I might have the third best grade. But in the subjects which I will have in the near future I will have to endure a lot of insecurities. And I cannot cope with that. I am an extreme control freak when I don't have everything under control I get extremely stressed. I think I will get psychotic. Then the extreme psychosomatic pain returns and then I am forced to ctb. My level of self-hatred will reach a new dimenson.
I will now worry extremely every single day until I get the results. It is quite insane. I got (very) good grades in my past exams. Though I am always extremely anxious about the results. And then when I recieved them and were good I barely felt anything positive. My anxiety to fail was gone but I don't feel like I deserve good grades. I have some affirmative actions due to my conditions and I spend way more time studying than other peers. If I don't reach perfection I feel embarrassed because I know there are students with better marks despite the fact they are doing less for college.
I have finished a David Foster Wallace story today. It should distract me. And it kind of did that. It is sometimes anti-manic for me. This man had huge mental problems and I recognize some parallels with him. Though this man was way way way smarter than me. He was an extreme genius. I can relate to some parts of his self-hatred which he describes on different meta levels. I get the cynicism he describes. The narcissim and self-absored nature of my pain. The thought loops which are just pure agony. This feeling I have to hate myself for something before other people can hate me for that thing. And my self-hatred has to be way bigger than the hate of other people. He also called himself a fraud all the time. I can relate to that a lot. Though there are differences. We both wanted lo leave a certain impression in the mind of other people. But my impressions are more associated with intelligence and being thin. I can relate to DFW'S pain a lot. But I think we are on different levels. His self-hatred is on multiple-layers. There is a coherent logic behind it and he is not able to distance himself from his thoughts. I think due to his extreme mental capacities his hell on different meta levels were way worse than mine. I have similar behaviors concerning over-analyzing. Though when I go in circles and my mind tortures me with endless thought-loops I can distance myself from it a little bit. But only when I am in a "good" time period of my illness. When you repeat the shit of self-hatred a thousand times in your head I reach a point after a while when I realize that my thoughts are quite self-centered. That my brain is fucking with me. Sometimes I can distract myself by playing video games, doing escapism and telling myself lies like my parents that everything will be fine in such situation. I think DFW could not do that. His self-hatred was more deep rooted. Though I have also some issues which DFW did not have. LIke he never had huge anxiety about poverty as far as I know and had stable relationships with women.
I can relate to DFW because I think he knew he will probably kill himself in the future. In the story I read today he describes the suicide of the narrator. At the end we learn about his name: David Wallace. Yeah 3 years after the story was published DFW hanged himself. When I read his literaure I often think I would like to hug him and tell him he is not such a bad person as he feels it. But I think even if I did that it would not have helped him much. But I see his desperation about his mental hell and I can relate a lot. Depression sometimes feels like a one man's hell. For example due to existential loneliness or the feeling of alienation.
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