This is not the first time I am doing this to myself. I despise myself so much. I was abused as a child in order to perform well. Recently I had an exam and it will be the worst one so far. The whole semester I fought against psychotic symptoms. I think one reason for that is I am extremely unhappy with my life. I have a strong desire for a partner but all my pathologies ruined it early on. My last crush probably considers me insane. I usually have very good grades but most of it is because it is primarily about memorizing things. The last exam I had was about applying logic. The problem was I was a wreck from the start. My usual stragegy did not work I should have given me breaks I was mentally very fragile during the exam. I even took a benzo which did not help. I thought no matter what the benzo would save me which was another thinking fallacy I made.
It is kind of irrational to be so fucking hurt about it. I probably cannot work anyway and these grades are not worth much. It would be pretty detrimental for my mental health if I did not pass the exam and had to repeat it. My nerves are so shacky I took the day prior to the exam a full benzo pill and prior to the exam at the same day another one. Despite that I was nervous as fuck. I think mentally I could never stand the pressure to know if I fail this exam I am unable to continue studying. And if you fail two times an exam that is usually the case in my country.
I feel completely fucked up mentally. I battled with psychotic and manic symptoms during the whole semester. I had to take so much addictive medication to cope with it. My psychiatrist suggested that to me. I feel like a complete wreck. I went way way beyond my limit. And many people told me straight that you can see it in my face that I am just extremely stressed. And this is totally the case. I am done with this world. I cried 3 times in public today but noone said anything I tried to hide it. But was not very successful in doing that.
I am currently at the home where I grew up as a child and where all the abuse happened it is a complicated story why I am there but I will soon leave it again. A family member of mine told me an interesting story. A co-worker of that person committed suicide lately. I won't explain what happened I am too scared of getting doxxed. I never met the person in real life. But my parents talked about their co-workers during dinner when I was a child. I can remember the person who committed suicide. I joked about that person's name as a child. From what I heard about the person the game was rigged against that person. False accusations resulted eventually that the person felt the need to escape from this world. I could relate to that a lot.
I feel extremely exhausted. Like completely and totally fucked. The psychotic symptoms took so much energy of mine. I need to get rid of the tolerance to the addictive medication. I feel totally broken. There is something different compared to the last semesters. I am just not willing anymore that college is torturing me like that. My brain rebels against that. I just cannot endure this anymore. Especially if I did not pass the exams there will be big issues for me.
I wonder what would have happened if I kept going with that stress. Usually a mental breakdown would happen but I completely numbed me with addictive medication. Maybe a physical breakdown would have happened. This is what I imagined to happen when I was a teenager. I always had the wish I would simply die of an heart attack due to too much stress. Though I think in my age the survival rate would be very high and I had to expect severe permanent damage.
My current plan is to keep going with college as long as I can postpone a breakdown. And when this breakdown happens I plan to commit suicide. My psychosis often develops because I feel extremely unhappy while being unable to change the outcome. In the past I had success to numb me with addictive medication in stressful situations. But this seemingly is not enough anymore. My illness becomes more and more aggressive. Some months ago I crashed from mania and psychotic symptoms the whole fucking day which was extremely painful. I try to keep my shit together just for this 5% I might be able to work a part-time job. But my brain seemingly cannot endure that much longer. I don't know what to do. I hate my life so fucking much and barely anything helps. I am a prisoner of my own mind. I think college will make me relapse eventually. My mind does not want to do it anymore but it is my only chance to survive in this world. I am running out of options.
My subconsciousness is not able to swallow the pain much longer. Personally I had the will to keep on with this unnecessary torture just for keeping on the facade on the surface (for my family primarily) . I am so fucking disappointed in myself. I have extremely high expectations of mine but I never failed so much at college in such a magnitude.
I would like to kill myself. But I know this is not the right time for it. Though my determination to go through with it increases more and more because my life proves me every day even more how hopeless my whole situation is. And that there is barely anything that could save me from that fate.
Sorry for the long thread. My soul feels like throwing up. Thank you for reading this. Even if you just read the last two sentences. At least I am able to express my pain. This would be impossible on most other corners of the internet.
It is kind of irrational to be so fucking hurt about it. I probably cannot work anyway and these grades are not worth much. It would be pretty detrimental for my mental health if I did not pass the exam and had to repeat it. My nerves are so shacky I took the day prior to the exam a full benzo pill and prior to the exam at the same day another one. Despite that I was nervous as fuck. I think mentally I could never stand the pressure to know if I fail this exam I am unable to continue studying. And if you fail two times an exam that is usually the case in my country.
I feel completely fucked up mentally. I battled with psychotic and manic symptoms during the whole semester. I had to take so much addictive medication to cope with it. My psychiatrist suggested that to me. I feel like a complete wreck. I went way way beyond my limit. And many people told me straight that you can see it in my face that I am just extremely stressed. And this is totally the case. I am done with this world. I cried 3 times in public today but noone said anything I tried to hide it. But was not very successful in doing that.
I am currently at the home where I grew up as a child and where all the abuse happened it is a complicated story why I am there but I will soon leave it again. A family member of mine told me an interesting story. A co-worker of that person committed suicide lately. I won't explain what happened I am too scared of getting doxxed. I never met the person in real life. But my parents talked about their co-workers during dinner when I was a child. I can remember the person who committed suicide. I joked about that person's name as a child. From what I heard about the person the game was rigged against that person. False accusations resulted eventually that the person felt the need to escape from this world. I could relate to that a lot.
I feel extremely exhausted. Like completely and totally fucked. The psychotic symptoms took so much energy of mine. I need to get rid of the tolerance to the addictive medication. I feel totally broken. There is something different compared to the last semesters. I am just not willing anymore that college is torturing me like that. My brain rebels against that. I just cannot endure this anymore. Especially if I did not pass the exams there will be big issues for me.
I wonder what would have happened if I kept going with that stress. Usually a mental breakdown would happen but I completely numbed me with addictive medication. Maybe a physical breakdown would have happened. This is what I imagined to happen when I was a teenager. I always had the wish I would simply die of an heart attack due to too much stress. Though I think in my age the survival rate would be very high and I had to expect severe permanent damage.
My current plan is to keep going with college as long as I can postpone a breakdown. And when this breakdown happens I plan to commit suicide. My psychosis often develops because I feel extremely unhappy while being unable to change the outcome. In the past I had success to numb me with addictive medication in stressful situations. But this seemingly is not enough anymore. My illness becomes more and more aggressive. Some months ago I crashed from mania and psychotic symptoms the whole fucking day which was extremely painful. I try to keep my shit together just for this 5% I might be able to work a part-time job. But my brain seemingly cannot endure that much longer. I don't know what to do. I hate my life so fucking much and barely anything helps. I am a prisoner of my own mind. I think college will make me relapse eventually. My mind does not want to do it anymore but it is my only chance to survive in this world. I am running out of options.
My subconsciousness is not able to swallow the pain much longer. Personally I had the will to keep on with this unnecessary torture just for keeping on the facade on the surface (for my family primarily) . I am so fucking disappointed in myself. I have extremely high expectations of mine but I never failed so much at college in such a magnitude.
I would like to kill myself. But I know this is not the right time for it. Though my determination to go through with it increases more and more because my life proves me every day even more how hopeless my whole situation is. And that there is barely anything that could save me from that fate.
Sorry for the long thread. My soul feels like throwing up. Thank you for reading this. Even if you just read the last two sentences. At least I am able to express my pain. This would be impossible on most other corners of the internet.
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