I despise my lack of discipline

[darkwater]

Yes I want to take my life someday.
But at the same time I hate how my apartment looks. Being depressed is no excuse to live in complete chaos. I managed to clean up yesterday. The same with my weight I am not an idiot and I know how to stay slim but I still allow myself to gain 20kg overweight. And the worst thing is you feel much worse when you let yourself go like that. Even if you know that you are not here for long, why not keep at least basic things under control?

 

[eve2004]

I don't think we lack discipline. Mental health screws with your ability to do the things you need to do. We all react differently and in my case, it's a bit of a hybrid discipline/non-discipline situation.

I am disciplined to the point of OCD in certain things, yet in others, I totally don't care. The OCD might be to feel a sense of control (or could be due to PTSD) in this existence where I feel I have none. The motivation to do minimal things to survive comes and goes too which contributes to my sense of lack of control... It makes no sense to me. I have no idea. Sorry, this wasn't very insightful.

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

I feel you. I used to struggle with self-discipline for years. I would be extremely impulsive and nothing could stop me from doing stupid shit, like overeating or spending money like crazy. I was so desperate to stop ruining everything for myself… I tried therapy and self-help books (both were fucking useless).
It turned out that I was misdiagnosed by my incompetent psychiatrist. Went to another one and it turned out that I do have bipolar and ADHD instead of just depression. Medication has tremendously helped me be less impulsive. No amount of therapy would fix the screwed up chemistry of my brain tripping upon itself.
I'm still doing stupid shit and lose control sometimes, but it's nowhere comparable to how I used to be.

 

[eve2004]

Went to another one and it turned out that I do have bipolar and ADHD instead of just depression. Medication has tremendously helped me be less impulsive. No amount of therapy would fix the screwed up chemistry of my brain tripping upon itself.

May I ask what ADHD meds you're on? Dex?

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

May I ask what ADHD meds you're on? Dex?

ATM atomoxetine, though I will be attempting to switch to methylphenidate (had to stop taking it due to some heart issues popping up, but now I have medication, so things may be better). Those two are the only available meds for ADHD in my country. Shit is fucked.
To be honest, lamotrigine has helped me the most. It is a mood stabilizer for bipolar, though.

 

[eve2004]

ATM atomoxetine, though I will be attempting to switch to methylphenidate (had to stop taking it due to some heart issues popping up, but now I have medication, so things may be better). Those two are the only available meds for ADHD in my country. Shit is fucked.
To be honest, lamotrigine has helped me the most. It is a mood stabilizer for bipolar, though.

Ah ok. I am supposed to be on dexedrine but have not taken it in over a year. Did not tell my doc either. Oops. But I feel like in the past it had reduced my suicidal urges. I just have a high tolerance to everything naturally, so I needed to take so much I was sick of 1) paying for it, 2) taking 18 pills a day 3) remembering when to take them and getting up at a decent hour for that to happen.

So today, I cut my 5mg pill in half then quarters, and took one quarter before going out. I had not planned to go out, but once I was out, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head but I didn't dwell on the urges as much. When I was taking it, it originally really helped with motivation but the tolerance is ridiculous. I'm thinking of microdosing it only once a week to get my head straight at least for a day so I can have some relief...

 

[Celerity]

Same, and I'm also having issues with weight.