I decided to kms

[badtothebone]

I know you guys think I'm mean and disgust. Yes I have kids and it's horrible but I honestly can't live like that. My kids are not going to foster care. I know my sister will take a good care of them. It's hard to live with my pain. I'm very sad the worst part of my grief is the guilt. I think I triggered my son depression or whatever he was dealing with. Even tho I love him soooo much I loved him more than I loved anything else in this world but I'm not perfect. I work long hours I didn't draw attention to his symptoms. Thinking and digging in the past he did try to tell me but in indirect ways now I see it I didn't see it before. I will never question my love and care for him but I'm guilty and this is a life sentence I refuse to live. I wish I was the one who died I was I was the one was hurt not him but this is not helping. Drugs and therapy are not going to help me I already know that. I'm giving up I lost the will to live. I can't live without my son. I can easily shoot myself I have a gun and I'm not scared to use it. It's prob the most painless method but since my dad is struggling and grieving too after my son death, I decided to use less obvious method. I will die sleeping in my bed. I already made friends here and I love you all so much. You guys are very honest and caring even tho each one of you struggles, you listened to me and I appreciate that. My suicide date is going to be in October 31, Halloween day. I'll keep you updated about my mix drugs I'm using.

 

[-Link-]

Well, this is certainly a reminder as to what can happen after a suicide in the family. Anybody else reading this who might be concerned about what happens to their loved ones afterwards, take mental note.

@badtothebone if you knew that one of your other children would follow you in death, would you still do it?

I've seen your posts around the forum over the past month. It's crystal-clear that you're not responsible for your son's suicide. Not only are you holding yourself to an unrealistic parenting standard, you're doing it all in hindsight!! ("Hindsight is 20/20.") Very unfair to yourself!

So you've set a date for 41 days from now. Just remember the date doesn't have to be unchangeable. No matter how dedicated you feel towards a certain date, it's always possible and reasonable to postpone as you see fit.

 

[landslide2]

You did not trigger his depression. The enormous weight of guilt is skewing your perspective. You are punishing yourself. Your son hid his depression from everyone.

Your father will be devastated, whether it's a gun or drugs. And there will be greater risk of depression and suicide in your children's future. They need you, your son lives in your memory and the love you can still give them.

Have you tried to find a support group, people who may better understand what you're going through? At least try?

 

[uglyugly]

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I have never been a parent so I've never lost a child and I won't begin to pretend that I get it. I'm so, so sorry.

I don't know why I'm saying this and it may not help, so please excuse me if I'm off base. Somewhere in the early 2000s, I went on vacation to the ocean and went out drinking. I wound up sitting next to a retired police officer who was about as drunk as I was. He mentioned he had witnessed three suicides and one murder (or perhaps it was 3 murders and one suicide, I just can't remember now). I asked him how he dealt with it and he laughed and said he drank alcohol. A few minutes went by and I told him that I had witnessed a murder when I was 6 and had so much guilt and that I just did not know how to deal with it, so could he please tell me how he dealt with it? As drunk as hell as I was, I will never forget this or his voice: he said "I sat with it and let it sit with me."

I thought about what he said all week and realized that I had to just sit with the feelings of guilt, shame, terror, helplessness, anger, and hatred for the murderers and nothing I felt was bad or wrong. It took me years to understand that I could only deal with my real role in the murder, which I did not have because I was a kid. It took a long - and I do mean a damn long time - to let go of it. It was not my fault and I know that now.

That man does not know it, but he saved my life and sanity that night. Every year, when I have been able to afford a vacation, I always go to the same bar and look for him because I want him to know he was the reason I was able to let go of that hell. I want to thank him. But, I have never found him and the bartender told me he never had seen the man before that night and never saw him again.

This is kind of a spiritual thing so I hope it does not offend or insult you, that is not my desire. Samhain (Halloween) is supposedly the night the veil between the living and dead is the thinnest. On Samhain, I make an "alter" for those who have died that were important to me. I put up pictures, flowers, and things they liked while they were alive, like my biological grandfather liked Grey Goose, so I put a bottle there. It's a way to connect with those that have crossed over. I then look for signs from my ancestors that I've made a connection. Mostly, that has just been dreams. Who knows if anything is really happening, but even if it isn't, it helps me to express the grief and love for those who I've lost.

No matter what path you take, I hope you can find peace. In my opinion, your son's death was not your fault.

 

[badtothebone]

You did not trigger his depression. The enormous weight of guilt is skewing your perspective. You are punishing yourself. Your son hid his depression from everyone.

Your father will be devastated, whether it's a gun or drugs. And there will be greater risk of depression and suicide in your children's future. They need you, your son lives in your memory and the love you can still give them.

Have you tried to find a support group, people who may better understand what you're going through? At least try?

@landslide2 why do I feel that way? The only thing I remember is the negatives. I can't even remember the good things anymore. I tried support group only one person have similar loss and that person was chewing gum had her nails done and full makeup I honestly left early I don't think I'm going back. I tried the medications and I haven't been sleeping at all with stomach pain and severe headache so I stopped taking it. My grief is complicated my son was everything to me I'm just here with nothing now

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I have never been a parent so I've never lost a child and I won't begin to pretend that I get it. I'm so, so sorry.

I don't know why I'm saying this and it may not help, so please excuse me if I'm off base. Somewhere in the early 2000s, I went on vacation to the ocean and went out drinking. I wound up sitting next to a retired police officer who was about as drunk as I was. He mentioned he had witnessed three suicides and one murder (or perhaps it was 3 murders and one suicide, I just can't remember now). I asked him how he dealt with it and he laughed and said he drank alcohol. A few minutes went by and I told him that I had witnessed a murder when I was 6 and had so much guilt and that I just did not know how to deal with it, so could he please tell me how he dealt with it? As drunk as hell as I was, I will never forget this or his voice: he said "I sat with it and let it sit with me."

I thought about what he said all week and realized that I had to just sit with the feelings of guilt, shame, terror, helplessness, anger, and hatred for the murderers and nothing I felt was bad or wrong. It took me years to understand that I could only deal with my real role in the murder, which I did not have because I was a kid. It took a long - and I do mean a damn long time - to let go of it. It was not my fault and I know that now.

That man does not know it, but he saved my life and sanity that night. Every year, when I have been able to afford a vacation, I always go to the same bar and look for him because I want him to know he was the reason I was able to let go of that hell. I want to thank him. But, I have never found him and the bartender told me he never had seen the man before that night and never saw him again.

This is kind of a spiritual thing so I hope it does not offend or insult you, that is not my desire. Samhain (Halloween) is supposedly the night the veil between the living and dead is the thinnest. On Samhain, I make an "alter" for those who have died that were important to me. I put up pictures, flowers, and things they liked while they were alive, like my biological grandfather liked Grey Goose, so I put a bottle there. It's a way to connect with those that have crossed over. I then look for signs from my ancestors that I've made a connection. Mostly, that has just been dreams. Who knows if anything is really happening, but even if it isn't, it helps me to express the grief and love for those who I've lost.

No matter what path you take, I hope you can find peace. In my opinion, your son's death was not your fault.

Thank you so much @uglyugly for sharing your experience and it's true you had no role in the murder and it wasn't your fault. But my son was just a child needed protection from whatever he was going through and I didn't provide that. I go to his grave twice daily I change flowers and sometimes I close my eyes hoping to hear his voice. I just want to see him one more time maybe he didn't know how much I loved him. Maybe he thought he was alone when he decided to die. I'm feeling guilty and that's the worst part of my grief. He wanted to live he asked me about Disney land two days before. I'm going crazy I feel that I'm losing my mind. There is no way I can live with this painful grief. I feel bad my dad just came this evening and brought me iPhone 16 as a gift. Everyone wants to help me but what's the point nothing is helping. Right now as I'm tying this my headache is killing me. My grief and depression are effecting me physically slowly in seeing decline. I cry so much that sometimes I don't see. I don't wish this life to my worst enemy. Living like that is impossible.

 

[landslide2]

The good things have been buried and negatives pronounced with the enormous guilt, the suffering and depression, but they're not gone.
But they will be if you go. I think it's not uncommon to want to give up on support groups, but try at least a few full meetings. Even that person you described, we don't know what's going on underneath. I can never understand your pain, but I hope you really try before you give up. Even the meds, not to push any meds but sometimes you just need something to knock you out so you can at least sleep. Ask your doc about something stronger just for now. During one of my lowest periods, i couldn't shut my brain off and couldn't sleep and that made everything worse. Talk to your doc instead of just not taking them. For your family if not yourself, there is still more to try before you give up.

afsp1
afsp2
compfriend

 

[badtothebone]

Well, this is certainly a reminder as to what can happen after a suicide in the family. Anybody else reading this who might be concerned about what happens to their loved ones afterwards, take mental note.

@badtothebone if you knew that one of your other children would follow you in death, would you still do it?

I've seen your posts around the forum over the past month. It's crystal-clear that you're not responsible for your son's suicide. Not only are you holding yourself to an unrealistic parenting standard, you're doing it all in hindsight!! ("Hindsight is 20/20.") Very unfair to yourself!

So you've set a date for 41 days from now. Just remember the date doesn't have to be unchangeable. No matter how dedicated you feel towards a certain date, it's always possible and reasonable to postpone as you see fit.

@-Link- i can't say my pain in one word or sentence. It's not even pain I don't know what is it? I getup in the middle of the night with tears screaming my son name. He was in my 14 he was so young needed me and I prob was at work. I don't want my other 2 children to die by suicide. In the mean time, living with grieving mom like me with my symptoms that escalate daily is not healthy for them either. I love them so much they are so beautiful and innocent. It's heart breaking to do that to them I know. It's awful.
I can't comprehend that the person I loved so much the person I used to cover in the middle of the night so he won't catch a cold from the AC shot himself not knowing how much I can do to help him and how much I love him. I will die for my son but he didn't know. My life turned upside down the day my son died. No going back my world ended too the world I'm living at now is just darkness no light. The day my son died I died. We didn't celebrate holidays or enjoyed any meals. I isolate myself and pushed friends away. I become someone I can't recognize. I'm tired my eyes hurt me from crying and I have no energy to live.

The good things have been buried and negatives pronounced with the enormous guilt, the suffering and depression, but they're not gone.
But they will be if you go. I think it's not uncommon to want to give up on support groups, but try at least a few full meetings. Even that person you described, we don't know what's going on underneath. I can never understand your pain, but I hope you really try before you give up. Even the meds, not to push any meds but sometimes you just need something to knock you out so you can at least sleep. Ask your doc about something stronger just for now. During one of my lowest periods, i couldn't shut my brain off and couldn't sleep and that made everything worse. Talk to your doc instead of just not taking them. For your family if not yourself, there is still more to try before you give up.

afsp1
afsp2
compfriend

Thank you so much @landslide2 appreciate you and the resources you provided. I will use them I'm going to try. When my son passed I panicked so they took me to the hospital and I stayed 2 weeks. I was on Ativan and I remember it calmed me down. I'm going to see if I can get that I know last time my doctor told me it's very addictive as if I didn't know!

 

[SonicFan1994]

@-Link- i can't say my pain in one word or sentence. It's not even pain I don't know what is it? I getup in the middle of the night with tears screaming my son name. He was in my 14 he was so young needed me and I prob was at work. I don't want my other 2 children to die by suicide. In the mean time, living with grieving mom like me with my symptoms that escalate daily is not healthy for them either. I love them so much they are so beautiful and innocent. It's heart breaking to do that to them I know. It's awful.
I can't comprehend that the person I loved so much the person I used to cover in the middle of the night so he won't catch a cold from the AC shot himself not knowing how much I can do to help him and how much I love him. I will die for my son but he didn't know. My life turned upside down the day my son died. No going back my world ended too the world I'm living at now is just darkness no light. The day my son died I died. We didn't celebrate holidays or enjoyed any meals. I isolate myself and pushed friends away. I become someone I can't recognize. I'm tired my eyes hurt me from crying and I have no energy to live.

Thank you so much @landslide2 appreciate you and the resources you provided. I will use them I'm going to try. When my son passed I panicked so they took me to the hospital and I stayed 2 weeks. I was on Ativan and I remember it calmed me down. I'm going to see if I can get that I know last time my doctor told me it's very addictive as if I didn't know!

Remember to take time off from this website as well. Dont stay here too often and read too many things. I understand your grieving but reading how to harm yourself on this site probably isn't aiding in the grieving process. Considering you just joined a month ago and have more post than I do I can tell ur spending alot of time on this website.

 

[landslide2]

You have to talk to your family, to your doctor, to a support group, grief counselor...you have to talk about your son.
You are isolating, pulling away, pushing people away, not allowing for support, or help from others.
That is not trying, that is punishing yourself.

 

[SonicFan1994]

@-Link- i can't say my pain in one word or sentence. It's not even pain I don't know what is it? I getup in the middle of the night with tears screaming my son name. He was in my 14 he was so young needed me and I prob was at work. I don't want my other 2 children to die by suicide. In the mean time, living with grieving mom like me with my symptoms that escalate daily is not healthy for them either. I love them so much they are so beautiful and innocent. It's heart breaking to do that to them I know. It's awful.
I can't comprehend that the person I loved so much the person I used to cover in the middle of the night so he won't catch a cold from the AC shot himself not knowing how much I can do to help him and how much I love him. I will die for my son but he didn't know. My life turned upside down the day my son died. No going back my world ended too the world I'm living at now is just darkness no light. The day my son died I died. We didn't celebrate holidays or enjoyed any meals. I isolate myself and pushed friends away. I become someone I can't recognize. I'm tired my eyes hurt me from crying and I have no energy to live.

Thank you so much @landslide2 appreciate you and the resources you provided. I will use them I'm going to try. When my son passed I panicked so they took me to the hospital and I stayed 2 weeks. I was on Ativan and I remember it calmed me down. I'm going to see if I can get that I know last time my doctor told me it's very addictive as if I didn't know!

Also Ativan Is a benzodiazapene It is not a good drug to take long term (it is only meant to stop panic attacks) , you will become addicted. Tons of people have become dependent/addicted on it and find themselves in worst situations than before the drugs. Sites like Benzobuddies and benzorecovery on reddit will inform you more on how bad addiction can get on benzos.

CBD or Delta 8 is a much better option if you need some sort of relief. (but also dont make it a daily habit)

 

[badtothebone]

Remember to take time off from this website as well. Dont stay here too often and read too many things. I understand your grieving but reading how to harm yourself on this site probably isn't aiding in the grieving process. Considering you just joined a month ago and have more post than I do I can tell ur spending alot of time on this website.

I do @SonicFan1994 i came here to normalize my suicidal thoughts.. thank you so much for your reply and I totally agree with you I prob need to..

You have to talk to your family, to your doctor, to a support group, grief counselor...you have to talk about your son.
You are isolating, pulling away, pushing people away, not allowing for support, or help from others.
That is not trying, that is punishing yourself.

I promised myself that I will never feel happiness or enjoy life without my son. I know I'm punching myself. I'm doing it in purpose.. you read my mind @landslide2 appreciate your help

 

[landslide2]

I was on Ativan and I remember it calmed me down. I'm going to see if I can get that I know last time my doctor told me it's very addictive as if I didn't know!

Ps, ativan can be addictive, benzos in general. You can ask about other possibilities also specifically for sleep such as a strong antihistamine (hydroxyzine).

 

[SonicFan1994]

Ps, ativan can be addictive, benzos in general. You can ask about other possibilities also specifically for sleep such as a strong antihistamine (hydroxyzine).

I cannot stress this enough how scary benzo addiction is, the withdrawals are absolutely horrible. Just avoid unless absolutely needed to stop panic attacks/ seizures. They will make your anxiety worst in the long run.

Weed, Cbd, Delta 8 much safer drug options, even though they have downsides as well

 

[badtothebone]

Also Ativan Is a benzodiazapene It is not a good drug to take long term (it is only meant to stop panic attacks) , you will become addicted. Tons of people have become dependent/addicted on it and find themselves in worst situations than before the drugs. Sites like Benzobuddies and benzorecovery on reddit will inform you more on how bad addiction can get on benzos.

Thank you so much for your help! know that's why my doctor didn't prescribe it. I'm a register nurse and I see pts struggling while detoxing and then they relapse but it can be prescribed as needed. We have pts on benzo I guess it depends on how often it's used. Effexor and other antidepressants did nothing but nightmares and headaches so I'm not going back to that. To be honest with you I really don't care at this point. I'm living one day at a time! I'm very unpredictable and mentally unstable the pain comes in waves.. I feel insane when I remember my son is gone it's like a rolling coaster I don't know where I'm going to be tomorrow. From charge nurse stable income three beautiful children weekly partying shopping smiling and laughing all the time to this, the person I become. I have no clue who I am I lost my life when I lost my son it's like nothing matters anymore.

 

[landslide2]

I promised myself that I will never feel happiness or enjoy life without my son. I know I'm punching myself. I'm doing it in purpose.. you read my mind @landslide2 appreciate your help

That may well be true and you will carry this pain. But there is still love, that you have for your son, that you have for your children.

 

[badtothebone]

I cannot stress this enough how scary benzo addiction is, the withdrawals are absolutely horrible. Just avoid unless absolutely needed to stop panic attacks/ seizures. They will make your anxiety worst in the long run.

Weed, Cbd, Delta 8 much safer drug options, even though they have downsides as well

Thank you so much @SonicFan1994 appreciate you!

Ps, ativan can be addictive, benzos in general. You can ask about other possibilities also specifically for sleep such as a strong antihistamine (hydroxyzine).

I have Hydroxyzine it helped me sleep at first but now I can drive 200 miles after taking it..

That may well be true and you will carry this pain. But there is still love, that you have for your son, that you have for your children.

Appreciate your support @landslide2. I wasn't to see how much I loved him I can only see what I didn't do. I love my other children and I feel so sorry they have to live this loss! They lived their brother so much he used to okay with them every evening

 

[landslide2]

Your children ate young and have experienced loss on some level that they can't articulate, but it's there. They can't lose their mom now too.
You gotta talk about your son, and not drown yourself in that grief. Your doc hopefully figures out some cocktail of meds to aid you.

 

[divinemistress36]

Have you thought about trying ketamine infusions?

 

[badtothebone]

Have you thought about trying ketamine infusions?

I was reading about it. I don't know my friend! Every time I think about trying something I change my mind the next day it's like I'm having bipolar now.

Your children ate young and have experienced loss on some level that they can't articulate, but it's there. They can't lose their mom now too.
You gotta talk about your son, and not drown yourself in that grief. Your doc hopefully figures out some cocktail of meds to aid you.

I will schedule an appointment today and I know your right I'm in a bad painful mess

 

[uglyugly]

Thank you so much @uglyugly for sharing your experience and it's true you had no role in the murder and it wasn't your fault. But my son was just a child needed protection from whatever he was going through and I didn't provide that. I go to his grave twice daily I change flowers and sometimes I close my eyes hoping to hear his voice. I just want to see him one more time maybe he didn't know how much I loved him. Maybe he thought he was alone when he decided to die. I'm feeling guilty and that's the worst part of my grief. He wanted to live he asked me about Disney land two days before. I'm going crazy I feel that I'm losing my mind. There is no way I can live with this painful grief. I feel bad my dad just came this evening and brought me iPhone 16 as a gift. Everyone wants to help me but what's the point nothing is helping. Right now as I'm tying this my headache is killing me. My grief and depression are effecting me physically slowly in seeing decline. I cry so much that sometimes I don't see. I don't wish this life to my worst enemy. Living like that is impossible.

I wish I could say something - anything - to help because I can see you are in so much pain. I am so sorry. Whether you decide to go or stay in this material world, I hope you can find peace no matter what.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, I hope that you find peace from the suffering.

 

[badtothebone]

I wish I could say something - anything - to help because I can see you are in so much pain. I am so sorry. Whether you decide to go or stay in this material world, I hope you can find peace no matter what.

Thank you so much! Appreciate you

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, I hope that you find peace from the suffering.

Thank you so much!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I very much doubt you did trigger your son's depression. From what you've said before, you didn't abuse him or anything. Maybe you missed some 'signs' but I feel it's more likely he tried his best to hide how he truly felt. Plus, honestly, if you had been all over him over things you suspected- that may not have helped either. Parents who smother their children aren't always all that benficial either. There may not have actually been anything you could have done to help or stop him.

I first had ideation aged 10. I never told my parents. Brutally honestly, there maybe were things my Dad did that contributed to it all. I still wouldn't blame him though. Feeling suicidal is complex. Relationships are complex. But ultimately, we can't act on things we don't know about and we also have a right to keep things private if we don't want to talk about them.

I think I can maybe understand a bit of how you feel. Maybe that this has changed you so much as a person that, you can no longer be the parent you want to be for your other children. It's hard to know what to say really. I suppose my bias seeing as I lost my Mum when I was 3 is that I would prefer still to have known her- whoever she was.

I don't think this is something you get over quickly though. I'm sure it takes years. It's just so difficult feeling awful for all involved.

 

[willitpass]

I can't say I know a damn thing about what it's like to lose a child, I don't even have children. But I do understand the feeling of your mind going 1000 miles a minute and being unable to calm down. The feeling of everything moving too fast and spiralling down the drain and only seeing one way out. I understand that much. And through all of what I've gone through, that is one feeling that I can tell you does calm eventually. I have wanted to make many rash decisions when in that mental state that looking back at when I calm down I know I would have regretted. I'm not saying that when the emotional tornado passes it will all be well and good and you'll have peace and all of the grief and trauma and desire to join him will have passed, but the intense urge to just do anything and everything to escape will. You will be able to think with a more level head.

Please try and wait for the emotional storm to calm before you make a decision. You love your kids. All three of them. And you will have eternity to love your son as strongly as a good mother can. But your other two children not only need your love, they need your care too. They need someone to hug them goodbye to school. They need someone to talk about how amazing their brother was and is to. They need someone to walk them through break ups and boyfriends and girlfriends. It's not fair that your other son has lost that. I can't even imagine. But I urge you to wait for emotions to settle before you make a decision that would mean your other two children lose that too. If that is a decision that is going to be made I really hope it is with a calm and collected mind, not one running on adrenaline and panic and sleeplessness.

I don't have the magic key to how to let things calm. I know time isn't a good answer as it never feels like there is time to wait when things feel like that. I hope some of the options others have left above are helpful to you. You seem like an amazing mother, even if grief has clouded your view of yourself. I truly hope that through this unimaginable loss you are able to find a way to carry of for yourself and your family while you grieve.

 

[-Link-]

@-Link- i can't say my pain in one word or sentence. It's not even pain I don't know what is it?

I assure you, I know you are dealing with something that I or most other members here or most healthcare professionals or most people on the entire planet can't even begin to wrap their brains around.

There are no words that could ever make anyone fully understand what you're going through unless they, themselves, have experienced it.

I tried support group only one person have similar loss and that person was chewing gum had her nails done and full makeup I honestly left early I don't think I'm going back.

I don't think "a support group" is going to do it.

I don't think a support group for parents who have lost children is going to do it.

I don't even think a support group for parents who have lost children to suicide is going to do it. It's close, but it might not be quite enough.

What I would really like to see for you is for you to connect with other parents who have lost young adolescent children to suicide. That tiny age range of 13-to-15. It's a special age for teenagers, and it's a special age for parents. I think you need help getting through this from other people who have very specifically gone through exactly what you have -- or as close to it as possible.

This is how you get through unimaginable, seemingly insurmountable grief. You seek out support from people who truly know what it is to be in your position because they are living it too. Let these people help you. In doing this, you're not only setting yourself up to improve your ability to cope with this and survive for the longer term, but you will also be helping them because this is a part of their healing process too: Helping other parents who are enduring the same experience. And once you reach a certain point, you will be able to do the same for other people in your position.

Grief support groups, doctors, therapists, and other mental health practitioners: Yes, these people can help you too, and I'd absolutely encourage you to seek out support from all possible sources. But I think you're going to get the most effective help and support from other people who are literally living it themselves.

How do you find these people? You ask your family. You ask your friends. You ask friends of friends. You ask your mental healthcare workers. You ask your neighbours. You ask your coworkers and supervisors. You ask around on social media. You ask random strangers on the street, even. You can ask anyone you want because your story is unique from most other people on this forum or in any support group you'll ever attend. You lost your teenage son to suicide. This is something that will instantly resonate with just about 100% of the human population. It stops people dead in their tracks and makes them react with a "holy fucking god" that allows them to immediately hear you loud-and-clear. They may have no idea what to say to you -- and it's important that you allow them this, their inability to even put words to what they'd like to say. They want to say something, they just have no idea how to do it because your pain is absolutely incomprehensible to them. But you can use this to your advantage and get other people to help you in what's maybe the only way a lot of people can: Let them network for you. There are other parents out there who are going through the exact same experience you are, and they are surviving. Let other people in your life -- or even total strangers -- find these people for you and connect you to them.

You're never going to get over this. The pain will always be there. But it is possible to make a certain peace with it so that you and it can coexist. How do you do that? I have absolutely no idea. But I do know it is possible because there are other people in your position doing it. Find these people. Reach out to them. Let them help themselves, by helping you.

These people will be your new best friends. Your life ended when your son died. The "old you" is gone and never coming back. The "old you" was living an average life and able to relate to the average person who was living the same kind of average life. The "new you" doesn't have this benefit. The "new you" is living a life that only a small fraction of people on the entire planet are living. Find these people, and let them into your new life.

There are parents of young adolescents all around the world right now, and some of these parents are going to lose their child to suicide. It might be next month. It might be next year. It might even be tomorrow. It's going to happen, and these parents have no idea it's coming. When it hits them... whatever you're feeling right now, that's what they're going to be going through.

You could get yourself into a very unique position to be able to help these people like no one else can. And in doing so, you'd be helping yourself too. Helping yourself, by helping others.

You can do this. I have absolutely no idea how it's possible. I imagine almost every other member who's ever been on this forum has absolutely no idea how it's possible.

But for these other parents you could find and reach out to and connect with? They know. They are living proof that long-term survival is possible. Find them, and let them join your surviving children as the center of your new life.

I don't want my other 2 children to die by suicide. In the mean time, living with grieving mom like me with my symptoms that escalate daily is not healthy for them either. I love them so much they are so beautiful and innocent. It's heart breaking to do that to them I know. It's awful.

I have been through a lot of pain and suffering in my life. Nothing even remotely close to yours, but suicide has been my "companion" for quite a long time.

Early on, I did a lot of research about it. Not just about the usual stuff with methods, survivability, etc. but also on what I'd be doing to my family if I followed through with it.

I tried so hard to rationalize it. I read so many stories. I looked everywhere for stories from survivors of suicide loss trying to find a justification or rationalization to be able to tell myself that it was OK to put my family through it. I was never able to find one. Not a single one. As best I could tell, it was universal: For whatever challenges their loved ones gave them in life, they'd rather have them back in their lives, even along with all their challenges.

If you have any doubt about this, try having a point-blank conversation with your children. Tell them how badly you're struggling and that you're feeling this strong, persistent urge to follow your son in death. Give them the option of discussing it with you. If we lived in a more progressive society and everyone had access to government-provided assisted dying services, then this is a conversation you would have with them. Give them the opportunity to tell you and show you that they need you in their lives and that they are better off with you than without, even at your very lowest lows. It might be an absolutely godawful, challenging conversation to have, but if the other option is death -- your children losing you without even an opportunity to talk about it -- then have the conversation with them and give them the chance. (Editing to add: If your children are still minors, of course you'd have to be extra cautious here, so if they're minors, maybe a "direct approach" is not for the best. But maybe a very careful conversation could still be had. Maybe your sister might be able to help with something like this? Only you could be the judge of whether this option is approachable.)

Remember to take time off from this website as well. Dont stay here too often and read too many things. I understand your grieving but reading how to harm yourself on this site probably isn't aiding in the grieving process. Considering you just joined a month ago and have more post than I do I can tell ur spending alot of time on this website.

Just quoting this for emphasis because I think it's an astute point. We will support you as best we can whenever we can, but definitely try to be mindful of how much time you're spending here.

I think, also, the story from @uglyugly about learning to sit with it is pretty spot-on as far as what survival can look like. While I'm not sure I'm equipped to meaningfully comment on this as a concept, I really do believe that if you could connect with other parents in your specific position and give them a chance to help you, you might surprise yourself in the end and actually learn how to "sit with it" -- how to move forward. Not "move on," but "move forward."

All the emotion and guilt and grief I've seen from you over the past month, I absolutely 100% completely utterly positively wholeheartedly believe in you as a parent, and I really believe you have it in you -- somewhere within you -- to do this and survive for yourself and for your children.

 

[badtothebone]

Thank you so much @-Link- I honestly read your reply twice! I do appreciate every word you wrote you're absolutely very kind acknowledgeable with beautiful heart. The world needs you. As you advised me I'm looking for support group for suicide survivors so far they have but general loss/grief. I will try my best to survive this pain. Today was very painful. I gave away my son clothes and his computers. I didn't want to but I thought someone else might benefit from them as a donation.

I'm a very sad person. I can't even smile the normal way I fake my smile. I don't know why this happened to me to my son he was so innocent. Life is so ugly and not worth living without him. I remember him coming down the stairs with his beautiful smile and as he's walking by he used to say "love you" that's how we used to say hi with "love you". He loved animals he had a big heart he was a giver. I remember one time the teacher told me that he gives his money to his classmate when I asked him he said " mom he had no money to buy lunch of course I did" with confident .

I will talk to my children tonight. I'll prob will take them out for dinner first and I'll see how to initiate this discussion with them. Thank you so much for acknowledging my pain and for your support. This means a lot to me. Please take care of yourself

I very much doubt you did trigger your son's depression. From what you've said before, you didn't abuse him or anything. Maybe you missed some 'signs' but I feel it's more likely he tried his best to hide how he truly felt. Plus, honestly, if you had been all over him over things you suspected- that may not have helped either. Parents who smother their children aren't always all that benficial either. There may not have actually been anything you could have done to help or stop him.

I first had ideation aged 10. I never told my parents. Brutally honestly, there maybe were things my Dad did that contributed to it all. I still wouldn't blame him though. Feeling suicidal is complex. Relationships are complex. But ultimately, we can't act on things we don't know about and we also have a right to keep things private if we don't want to talk about them.

I think I can maybe understand a bit of how you feel. Maybe that this has changed you so much as a person that, you can no longer be the parent you want to be for your other children. It's hard to know what to say really. I suppose my bias seeing as I lost my Mum when I was 3 is that I would prefer still to have known her- whoever she was.

I don't think this is something you get over quickly though. I'm sure it takes years. It's just so difficult feeling awful for all involved.

Yes @Forever Sleep its very very awful I just can't find the works it's like someone open my body and snapped my heart out if it. I feel empty I can physically feel my heart hurts so bad. Thank you so much appreciate you my friend! I know you told me about your mom and I'm so sorry if I triggered your grief. It's painful all the way around. I lost my mom and I was very sad but not even close to what I'm feeling now. It's like I'm another person with no identity. I get confused too I'm not sure if this confusion associated with this grief or from lack of eating healthy. Since my son died my appetite is gone. If I eat something it will be a couple of bites while I'm walking I just can't enjoy or taste anything good.

I can't say I know a damn thing about what it's like to lose a child, I don't even have children. But I do understand the feeling of your mind going 1000 miles a minute and being unable to calm down. The feeling of everything moving too fast and spiralling down the drain and only seeing one way out. I understand that much. And through all of what I've gone through, that is one feeling that I can tell you does calm eventually. I have wanted to make many rash decisions when in that mental state that looking back at when I calm down I know I would have regretted. I'm not saying that when the emotional tornado passes it will all be well and good and you'll have peace and all of the grief and trauma and desire to join him will have passed, but the intense urge to just do anything and everything to escape will. You will be able to think with a more level head.

Please try and wait for the emotional storm to calm before you make a decision. You love your kids. All three of them. And you will have eternity to love your son as strongly as a good mother can. But your other two children not only need your love, they need your care too. They need someone to hug them goodbye to school. They need someone to talk about how amazing their brother was and is to. They need someone to walk them through break ups and boyfriends and girlfriends. It's not fair that your other son has lost that. I can't even imagine. But I urge you to wait for emotions to settle before you make a decision that would mean your other two children lose that too. If that is a decision that is going to be made I really hope it is with a calm and collected mind, not one running on adrenaline and panic and sleeplessness.

I don't have the magic key to how to let things calm. I know time isn't a good answer as it never feels like there is time to wait when things feel like that. I hope some of the options others have left above are helpful to you. You seem like an amazing mother, even if grief has clouded your view of yourself. I truly hope that through this unimaginable loss you are able to find a way to carry of for yourself and your family while you grieve.

Thank you so much @willitpass for your support and acknowledging my pain. It's a storm that has mixed emotions, one minute I'm crying non stop the next minute I'm just mute and angry. I'm very angry at myself angry at god that allowed such a beautiful young soul to get hurt he had a lot of beautiful things going on for him. Every single inch in my house reminds of him. I promise you I will not make impulsive decision. I'm use some of the recommended resources and take it from there.. it's just I don't see me I don't see who I am any more. The happy person I used to be is dead already so I don't know what's next. I had experienced divorce, controlling ex husband, and other life issues but I was always strong until I lost my son. This pain is different this pain kills you from the inside but you still alive. It's like a punishment.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I was reading about it. I don't know my friend! Every time I think about trying something I change my mind the next day it's like I'm having bipolar now.

I've read all your words and I want you to know I hear you and feel you. Ketamine infusions were my last ditch effort. I'm still where I'm at but in terms of ANY kind of recovery desire, I honestly think you should at least let them try. Tell them everything you said here, they wont section you, you can be honest with them (just dont say you have xyz materials/a plan, just feelings, I dont want to give bad advice) but I swear I wouldn't be writing this if I didnt think it was worth a shot for your situation.

If it doesnt work, back to plan A. It's not going anywhere. I mean that with all the care in the world. Your body is your own.

 

[badtothebone]

@opheliaoveragain thank you so much for hearing me! Appreciate this resources also @divinemistress36 told me about it. I'm trying to see how do I go by doing that. Where I work at we don't use ketamine therapy. I'm check in the morning and see if they offer that locally? I live in Florida. Did you start doing it?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

@opheliaoveragain thank you so much for hearing me! Appreciate this resources also @divinemistress36 told me about it. I'm trying to see how do I go by doing that. Where I work at we don't use ketamine therapy. I'm check in the morning and see if they offer that locally? I live in Florida. Did you start doing it?

I spent many months doing them so I can def speak to it being worth a shot esp when things are as intense as you're describing. it will be RELIEF. I promise you that. it's profound and deep and a lot for the brain, but it's honestly like we uncovered magic. they def offer it in florida if they offer it in the state im in. you'll likely need a rec from a psych or therapist. I got both. that'll get you in the door but check with your local clinics in terms of what exactly they need. feel free to convo me about it if you want to talk more, open to even talking on the phone. whatever you need

 

[divinemistress36]

@opheliaoveragain thank you so much for hearing me! Appreciate this resources also @divinemistress36 told me about it. I'm trying to see how do I go by doing that. Where I work at we don't use ketamine therapy. I'm check in the morning and see if they offer that locally? I live in Florida. Did you start doing it?

I've done a lot of ketamine infusions didnt work for me but I have a brain injury so things dont work for me but it does help some people temporarily. It was very bizzare but spiritual like I felt I was in another dimension and I was apart of everyone and I was dead it wasnt scary or beautiful it just was after them I was like well I dont feel better but I have less fear of death