i cry everyday , and it's very painful for me [Mental illness] [Schizophrenia]

[fay13]

everyday when the sun is setting , i start crying , i know crying is suppose to relief you but for me it's very painful i start thinking about when i was born and how my life went since then and it makes me cry even more

I'm 22 years old , i was born with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses such as bipolar , anxiety , depression , speech disorder , autism , my parents never took me to a therapist and i have never taken medication before ,i have been suffering with these mental issues my whole life and everyday i ask "how am i still alive?" "why haven't i killed myself yet" , my speech disorder make my situation even worse since i can't express my self or explain whats going on with my life , this leads to bullying and having people take advantage of you , i feel like i have been locked in a cage my whole life the only thing that has relieved me is at least i can escape , leave and find a way out , ever since my last CTB attempt have failed my life and mental illness has gotten worse , just crying everyday , thinking that if it has worked i would be peace , i am always thinking if only i died in 2017.....2021...if only i died earlier , this wouldn't happen.i don't make any facial expression or express emotion when others talk to me , this leads to them thinking that I'm rude or a bad mannered person which of course leads to people avoiding me.

i love watching anime and playing video games , my favorite animes are Steins Gate/Clannad/Erased and favorite video games are Devil May Cry 3/Nier:automate/APB(before the game died) , but sadly due to my mental illness i haven't been able to do the things i like this past years

i have no clue how to end this , i started crying once again today and i felt like coming here to write this , i hope my next CTB attempt works , this time i'll fix everything and make sure it works


-more charcoal
-tape everything
-sleeping pills
-full commitment


thank you for reading

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through and I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of being free from everything, there really is no relief from suffering in this dreadful world. I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Aisley]

The charcoal method often requires a few tries to get just right, even though people pass accidentally from it in their sleep sometimes. Either way, I'm ready, for when it's my time, to need to try it more than once. Smarter people than me have failed at this method. Good luck, you deserve rest from such a terrifying mindscape that schizophrenia brings.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. You really have had so much to contend with in your life- it's no wonder you feel so unhappy. Life is so cruel to some people.

 

[lazyegg]

i love watching anime and playing video games , my favorite animes are Steins Gate/Clannad/Erased and favorite video games are Devil May Cry 3/Nier:automate/APB(before the game died) , but sadly due to my mental illness i haven't been able to do the things i like this past years

hey u remind me of a friend i have- a lot of the things you mentioned about yourself just reminds me of them. im so sorry you have to go through dealing with your mental illness as it creates unpredictability in life. i have bipolar with psychotic features and i understand how painful that can be.
im sorry that this is your way out and i wish you well.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Christ thats a lot of horrible things at once, even i didnt get done dirty this badly by life ): im sorry man it really do be cruel sometimes

 

[PrettyKitty]

Hey I deal with with adhd, dyslexia, lyme disease, social aniexty and Borderline Personality disorder. We both got alot on are plates and trust me I get how you feel to a extent, if you need anybody to talk to I'm here for you. I hope things get better and you don't CTB but if you do I hope your happier on what evers on the other side <3!~

 

[absolomonisgone]

everyday when the sun is setting , i start crying , i know crying is suppose to relief you but for me it's very painful i start thinking about when i was born and how my life went since then and it makes me cry even more

I'm 22 years old , i was born with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses such as bipolar , anxiety , depression , speech disorder , autism , my parents never took me to a therapist and i have never taken medication before ,i have been suffering with these mental issues my whole life and everyday i ask "how am i still alive?" "why haven't i killed myself yet" , my speech disorder make my situation even worse since i can't express my self or explain whats going on with my life , this leads to bullying and having people take advantage of you , i feel like i have been locked in a cage my whole life the only thing that has relieved me is at least i can escape , leave and find a way out , ever since my last CTB attempt have failed my life and mental illness has gotten worse , just crying everyday , thinking that if it has worked i would be peace , i am always thinking if only i died in 2017.....2021...if only i died earlier , this wouldn't happen.i don't make any facial expression or express emotion when others talk to me , this leads to them thinking that I'm rude or a bad mannered person which of course leads to people avoiding me.

i love watching anime and playing video games , my favorite animes are Steins Gate/Clannad/Erased and favorite video games are Devil May Cry 3/Nier:automate/APB(before the game died) , but sadly due to my mental illness i haven't been able to do the things i like this past years

i have no clue how to end this , i started crying once again today and i felt like coming here to write this , i hope my next CTB attempt works , this time i'll fix everything and make sure it works


-more charcoal
-tape everything
-sleeping pills
-full commitment


thank you for reading

Please don't take this the wrong way: but, all those mental health conditions you just mentioned are simply a fabrication of the pyschiatry industry. Think about these random sentences by some guys who started the pyschiatry industry and realized what it truly was:
1) The essence of normality is the refusal of reality.
2) Neurosis is the miscarriage of clumsy lies about reality
3) What we call human character is actually a lie about the nature of reality
To sum it off-- you are much more normal than you imagine. All that the pyschiatrists are trying to do is make you abnormal through denial of reality. Don't give into them

 

[Ambivalent1]

Please don't take this the wrong way: but, all those mental health conditions you just mentioned are simply a fabrication of the pyschiatry industry. Think about these random sentences by some guys who started the pyschiatry industry and realized what it truly was:
1) The essence of normality is the refusal of reality.
2) Neurosis is the miscarriage of clumsy lies about reality
3) What we call human character is actually a lie about the nature of reality
To sum it off-- you are much more normal than you imagine. All that the pyschiatrists are trying to do is make you abnormal through denial of reality. Don't give into them

Hallucinations and paranoia are not normal. Mental illnesses are classified as they are for a reason. Her life could change dramatically with the right.medication.

 

[absolomonisgone]

Hallucinations and paranoia are not normal. Mental illnesses are classified as they are for a reason. Her life could change dramatically with the right.medication.

They are perfectly normal. We all have them. She doesn't need medication. Maybe being on a website like this will make her realize it's normal to be overwhelmed by life and want to check out without being judged..., And she can decide whatever she wants. But above all, she realizes she's not alone.
Out there, of course, nobody will understand and she will be taken advantage of by the pyschiatrists, corporates, society, etc.

 

[Ambivalent1]

They are perfectly normal. We all have them. She doesn't need medication. Maybe being on a website like this will make her realize it's normal to be overwhelmed by life and want to check out without being judged..., And she can decide whatever she wants. But above all, she realizes she's not alone.
Out there, of course, nobody will understand and she will be taken advantage of by the pyschiatrists, corporates, society, etc.

You hallucinate? Lol that's not normal. Being overwhelmed is normal but her reasons for being overwhelmed are not as common. Not all psychiatrists are bad. You sound like Tom cruise and even he apologized for his statements.

 

[absolomonisgone]

You hallucinate? Lol that's not normal. Being overwhelmed is normal but her reasons for being overwhelmed are not as common. Not all psychiatrists are bad. You sound like Tom cruise and even he apologized for his statements.

We all do. I used to think that the TV was addressing me and that I'm the cause of all the world's problems. So, I solved that problem by stopping to watch tv. Now it's 5 years. Also used to think the government, CIA and internet were following and monitoring me- paranoid-; whenever a car slowed down near me, I'd panick.
I solved that problem too by asking the drivers whether they're looking for me. After asking some 10 or so drivers and all looking at me incredulously, I realized it was all in my head.
So, these things are perfectly normal.

 

[Ambivalent1]

We all do. I used to think that the TV was addressing me and that I'm the cause of all the world's problems. So, I solved that problem by stopping to watch tv. Now it's 5 years. Also used to think the government, CIA and internet were following and monitoring me- paranoid-; whenever a car slowed down near me, I'd panick.
I solved that problem too by asking the drivers whether they're looking for me. After asking some 10 or so drivers and all looking at me incredulously, I realized it was all in my head.
So, these things are perfectly normal.

No we all do not! I have never had those problems. You're a schizophrenic in denial.

 

[absolomonisgone]

No we all do not! I have never had those problems. You're a schizophrenic in denial.

I'm not schizophrenic. It's just that when you watch a lot of tv, social media, experts, society, etc, you lose the ability of knowing what is real and what is not. But one thing is for sure, death is real. And on my terms. And when I decide to die.
Society tells you that nobody knows how his death date. I know mine.

 

[Tobacco]

Please don't take this the wrong way: but, all those mental health conditions you just mentioned are simply a fabrication of the pyschiatry industry. Think about these random sentences by some guys who started the pyschiatry industry and realized what it truly was:
1) The essence of normality is the refusal of reality.
2) Neurosis is the miscarriage of clumsy lies about reality
3) What we call human character is actually a lie about the nature of reality
To sum it off-- you are much more normal than you imagine. All that the pyschiatrists are trying to do is make you abnormal through denial of reality. Don't give into them

I'm sorry but. I can recognize psychiatry is still in its infancy and that treatments might not be ideal but psychological pain is very real.

 

[fay13]

That sounds so awful what you've been through and I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of being free from everything, there really is no relief from suffering in this dreadful world. I wish you the best with your plans.

thank you for the kind comment , i wish you peace and happiness <3

The charcoal method often requires a few tries to get just right, even though people pass accidentally from it in their sleep sometimes. Either way, I'm ready, for when it's my time, to need to try it more than once. Smarter people than me have failed at this method. Good luck, you deserve rest from such a terrifying mindscape that schizophrenia brings.

that is very true , i have failed this method at least 4 times , but i think my last attempt will be it , i believe have all the info to do it right.

schizophrenia is truly a terrifying mindscape, just the way you described it made me feel better , thank you for the warm comment , i wish you success with your attempt and i hope you find peace and happiness that you that you deserve.

I'm so sorry. You really have had so much to contend with in your life- it's no wonder you feel so unhappy. Life is so cruel to some people.

life is indeed cruel ,I always think if my parents were aware and took me to a doctor while i was a child , life could've been much better


thank you for your reply , it honestly made me feel better

hey u remind me of a friend i have- a lot of the things you mentioned about yourself just reminds me of them. im so sorry you have to go through dealing with your mental illness as it creates unpredictability in life. i have bipolar with psychotic features and i understand how painful that can be.
im sorry that this is your way out and i wish you well.

aww thank you for your comment , im sorry about your bipolar , i had a lot of bipolar episodes and mental breakdowns growing up , i truly understand how you feel.

i wish you joy and a peaceful clear mind.

Christ thats a lot of horrible things at once, even i didnt get done dirty this badly by life ): im sorry man it really do be cruel sometimes

indeed life is very cruel , thank you for your warm comment

Hey I deal with with adhd, dyslexia, lyme disease, social aniexty and Borderline Personality disorder. We both got alot on are plates and trust me I get how you feel to a extent, if you need anybody to talk to I'm here for you. I hope things get better and you don't CTB but if you do I hope your happier on what evers on the other side <3!~

thank you for your generous comment , it truly made me calm , im sorry about your mental illness i understand how you feel we truly got a lot on our plate

i honestly i want to tell you i a lot of nice things on my mind right now , but sadly my speech & thinking disorder is preventing me.

if you need anybody to talk to I'm here for you.

thank you so much , you are truly a nice person


i wish you peace with whatever you want and i hope you find your desire and calm mind <3

Hallucinations and paranoia are not normal. Mental illnesses are classified as they are for a reason. Her life could change dramatically with the right.medication.

i agree with your thread Ambi , i always think when im depressed that if my parents took me to a doctor early on or while i was a child , i wouldn't be suffering with what im going through right now , mental illness isn't an illusion , it's truly real.

I'm sorry but. I can recognize psychiatry is still in its infancy and that treatments might not be ideal but psychological pain is very real.

psychological pain is very real

it's very much real , well said Tobacco , the amount of time i thought about killing myself to end my mentall suffering. i would lose count

i agree with you , psychiatry is still progressing , there isn't any cure for the majority of mental issues , that doesn't mean we should pretend that they don't exist

your comment was very informative thank you

Please don't take this the wrong way: but, all those mental health conditions you just mentioned are simply a fabrication of the pyschiatry industry. Think about these random sentences by some guys who started the pyschiatry industry and realized what it truly was:
1) The essence of normality is the refusal of reality.
2) Neurosis is the miscarriage of clumsy lies about reality
3) What we call human character is actually a lie about the nature of reality
To sum it off-- you are much more normal than you imagine. All that the pyschiatrists are trying to do is make you abnormal through denial of reality. Don't give into them

i read your thread , i understand what your trying to say but trust me , it doesn't work , if only i got the mental help i wanted early on, i may be doing better right now

thank you for your nice comment but i always wished my parents understood me and helped me while i was a child.

 

[jaxxon_sunn]

You seem like such a sweet person. Life is awful but you still are so kind and understanding. I wish others could be as understanding or at least listen as well as people on this site. I also love steins gate and erased, some of my favorite anime but I don't see many talk about them. I can relate to feeling like im locked in a cage. I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind because I can't communicate like one normally would and I can't explain my feelings. Also the face expressions I don't understand how to do them normally. I copy other people in hopes they don't see me as weird. Most of the time I am very reclusive and try to avoid people or end conversations early so I don't have to talk but that can seem like I'm really cold or rude. I hope you can find peace soon and stop the pain from this awful world. Whatever you find that will work for you either treatment or cbt I wish you luck and feel for you.

 

[fay13]

You seem like such a sweet person. Life is awful but you still are so kind and understanding. I wish others could be as understanding or at least listen as well as people on this site. I also love steins gate and erased, some of my favorite anime but I don't see many talk about them. I can relate to feeling like im locked in a cage. I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind because I can't communicate like one normally would and I can't explain my feelings. Also the face expressions I don't understand how to do them normally. I copy other people in hopes they don't see me as weird. Most of the time I am very reclusive and try to avoid people or end conversations early so I don't have to talk but that can seem like I'm really cold or rude. I hope you can find peace soon and stop the pain from this awful world. Whatever you find that will work for you either treatment or cbt I wish you luck and feel for you.

wow thank you so much for these generous and kind words and the time you took to write , i can't tell you how thankful i am ,your describing exactly how i feel and my experience with life , i feel for you we truly understand each other here

I can relate to feeling like im locked in a cage. I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind because I can't communicate like one normally would and I can't explain my feelings. Also the face expressions I don't understand how to do them normally. I copy other people in hopes they don't see me as weird. Most of the time I am very reclusive and try to avoid people or end conversations early so I don't have to talk but that can seem like I'm really cold or rude

that has been my experience with my whole life and i understand how that feels for you , it must be horrible in this cruel world.i truly wish more people were thoughtful understanding of each other


i wish you happiness and a clear deep mind and whatever ending you desire

your truly the kind and sweet person here, you deserve way better than what this horrible world has offered you , the words that you wrote shows how much of a nice person you are , please if you want to talk and describe your feelings , feel free to talk to me or DM anytime , i'll be sure to listen


thank you so much <3

 

[Aisley]

I'm not schizophrenic. It's just that when you watch a lot of tv, social media, experts, society, etc, you lose the ability of knowing what is real and what is not. But one thing is for sure, death is real. And on my terms. And when I decide to die.
Society tells you that nobody knows how his death date. I know mine.

I get what you're saying, and I admire the ownership of yourself that you're advocating here. Psychiatry was never an option for me, and this was what I had to do, too. And I don't doubt that the majority of the psychiatric profession is as you say. It's possible. And no shortage of mid to upper class fops who puzzlingly don't feel on the inside the way everyone seems to feel on the outside, and so it must be a problem.
But schizophenia is something quite apart from the rest. It's older than tv, corporations or even psychiatry. It's older than the bibble. It's like having demons in your head that know every negative thing about you and everything else. They know your dislikes and hatreds, fears and insecurities and feed off those. They can say the most inconceivably evil shit, and they can make more sense that a textbook. And what comfort for the patient to know that they aren't real, that they are the patient?
For an illness with a pedagree that goes back to the dawn of recorded time, we really should have a cure by now, and not just patched up treatments. It really is bullshit that people still suffer from this one; it's like knowing there is still leprosy out there, ruining lives.

 

[am1485]

You do seem like a very sweet person. I'm so sorry all this happened to you. You've been through a lot. I was born with Schizophrenia too so I know how hard it can be. Also, I have really debilitating anxiety and autism. So I get where you are coming from.

Having trouble expressing yourself is the worst because you can never really communicate what you are feeling and it makes it harder to connect to people. It is hard for me to express emotions too when people are talking to me. I usually just try my best to fake facial expressions and I'm not sure if it comes out right but I try my best. :)

I'm so very sorry you can't enjoy anime and videogames like you used to. I have trouble enjoying videogames lately because of the Schizophrenia also.

I'm just curious. Do you hear voices with the Schizophrenia or is it just paranoia and other symptoms?

 

[fay13]

You do seem like a very sweet person. I'm so sorry all this happened to you. You've been through a lot. I was born with Schizophrenia too so I know how hard it can be. Also, I have really debilitating anxiety and autism. So I get where you are coming from.

Having trouble expressing yourself is the worst because you can never really communicate what you are feeling and it makes it harder to connect to people. It is hard for me to express emotions too when people are talking to me. I usually just try my best to fake facial expressions and I'm not sure if it comes out right but I try my best. :)

I'm so very sorry you can't enjoy anime and videogames like you used to. I have trouble enjoying videogames lately because of the Schizophrenia also.

I'm just curious. Do you hear voices with the Schizophrenia or is it just paranoia and other symptoms?

thank you for the warm and kind comment , it honestly made me feel better , im very sorry that your born with schizophrenia and other mental issues , i truly feel for you and we understand each other here ,your a really kind and sweet person for this comment that you wrote

I usually just try my best to fake facial expressions and I'm not sure if it comes out right but I try my best. :)

haha i do that aswell , we really understand ourselves ;)

I'm so very sorry you can't enjoy anime and videogames like you used to. I have trouble enjoying videogames lately because of the Schizophrenia also.

im very sorry your going through that , i truly understand how you feel , not being able to do the things you like is a huge cause for suicidal thoughts and anixiety <3
i love your profile picture , you are truly a cultured individual

I'm just curious. Do you hear voices with the Schizophrenia or is it just paranoia and other symptoms?

i believe it's just paranoia and other symptoms , i don't believe i hear voices but i talk to myself , it's different from hearing a random voice telling you something? it's just me talking to myself all the time , i hope this helps <3 :)

 

[am1485]

thank you for the warm and kind comment , it honestly made me feel better , im very sorry that your born with schizophrenia and other mental issues , i truly feel for you and we understand each other here ,your a really kind and sweet person for this comment that you wrote

You're welcome. I'm so glad it made you feel better. :) Yeah being born with Schizophrenia and other mental health issues feels like a death sentence sometimes.

haha i do that aswell , we really understand ourselves ;)

Yeah haha ;) it's not perfect but it works hopefully some of the time lol

im very sorry your going through that , i truly understand how you feel , not being able to do the things you like is a huge cause for suicidal thoughts and anixiety <3
i love your profile picture , you are truly a cultured individual

Thanks for being so kind and understanding. You seem really sweet :) Thanks I like your profile picture too. What anime is it?

i believe it's just paranoia and other symptoms , i don't believe i hear voices but i talk to myself , it's different from hearing a random voice telling you something? it's just me talking to myself all the time , i hope this helps <3 :)

Oh I'm so glad that your Schizophrenia doesn't include voices, that is the worst. I heard voices before I started taking medication unfortunately but now they are gone thank God. But I know the paranoia and other symptoms are very difficult too. I'm so sorry. :( Have you ever thought about taking medication? Or your parents won't let you?

 

[EternalShore]

So sorry to hear about your situation. :( Having mental and speech issues like that you can't really control must really suck! >_<
And yeahhh, I'm really bad at socializing too which results in others not wanting to be my friend and thus viewing me as a worthless loser constantly (said or unsaid). It sucks, but it's like nothing can ever be done about it! :(((
I like Steins;Gate a lot too! :D And I have a good online friend who likes Clannad and Erased (or at least, the vn for Erased)~ hehe~

 

[fay13]

You're welcome. I'm so glad it made you feel better. :) Yeah being born with Schizophrenia and other mental health issues feels like a death sentence sometimes.


Yeah haha ;) it's not perfect but it works hopefully some of the time lol


Thanks for being so kind and understanding. You seem really sweet :) Thanks I like your profile picture too. What anime is it?


Oh I'm so glad that your Schizophrenia doesn't include voices, that is the worst. I heard voices before I started taking medication unfortunately but now they are gone thank God. But I know the paranoia and other symptoms are very difficult too. I'm so sorry. :( Have you ever thought about taking medication? Or your parents won't let you?

It's mayuri from Steins:Gate , shes really cute


im sorry that you hear voices , i read about it online and it sounds horrible , im happy you don't hear them anymore and i hope your mind is always at peace <3

sadly my parents are religious and don't believe in mental health or therapy , which made my life even worse :(


thank you for this conversation , your a kind and sweet person <3

So sorry to hear about your situation. :( Having mental and speech issues like that you can't really control must really suck! >_<
And yeahhh, I'm really bad at socializing too which results in others not wanting to be my friend and thus viewing me as a worthless loser constantly (said or unsaid). It sucks, but it's like nothing can ever be done about it! :(((
I like Steins;Gate a lot too! :D And I have a good online friend who likes Clannad and Erased (or at least, the vn for Erased)~ hehe~

thank you for this amazing comment , im sorry to hear about your social situation , this world really sucks :( i hope you find the peace and happiness that you deserve

im happy we have good anime taste <3

Mayuri best girl >_<

 

[am1485]

It's mayuri from Steins:Gate , shes really cute


im sorry that you hear voices , i read about it online and it sounds horrible , im happy you don't hear them anymore and i hope your mind is always at peace <3

sadly my parents are religious and don't believe in mental health or therapy , which made my life even worse :(


thank you for this conversation , your a kind and sweet person <3

That is really cool. I looked it up and I'll have to check out Steins:Gate now. It looks really good.

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate words. :)

I'm so sorry that your parents are so religious that they won't let you get treatment. Is there anyway you can get a job and move out? Maybe you can be independent and get treatment on your own. Sorry just brainstorming.

Hope you have a nice Saturday :)

 

[EternalShore]

i hope you find the peace and happiness that you deserve

im happy we have good anime taste <3

Mayuri best girl >_<

Thank you very much for the well wishes! hehe~ :)
is very great, yes! :D Some time ago, someone in a Discord server I was in was comparing all the server members to Steins;Gate characters, and they chose Mayuri for me! ^_^ I was very happy to say the least! )

 

[fay13]

That is really cool. I looked it up and I'll have to check out Steins:Gate now. It looks really good.

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate words. :)

I'm so sorry that your parents are so religious that they won't let you get treatment. Is there anyway you can get a job and move out? Maybe you can be independent and get treatment on your own. Sorry just brainstorming.

Hope you have a nice Saturday :)

thank you for wamr words , i hope you have a nice saturday/sunday aswell <3

i thought about leaving and moving on but sadly my schizophrenia and sociophobia have prevented me , but it's fine im used to it now <3 :)

i hope you have a nice saturday/sunday aswell <3

 

[am1485]

thank you for wamr words , i hope you have a nice saturday/sunday aswell <3

i thought about leaving and moving on but sadly my schizophrenia and sociophobia have prevented me , but it's fine im used to it now <3 :)

i hope you have a nice saturday/sunday aswell <3

Thanks :)

Sorry your Schizophrenia and social phobia have prevented you from leaving and moving on. But I'm sure you'll figure something out. Best of luck to you :D

 

[Terrible00]

Life is a real torture, it sounds like you are having a very hard time. The world is a very cruel place and you aren't alone when it comes to the will to leave this world. I hope anything you are planning will go well and bring you peace.

 

[fay13]

Life is a real torture, it sounds like you are having a very hard time. The world is a very cruel place and you aren't alone when it comes to the will to leave this world. I hope anything you are planning will go well and bring you peace.

thank you so much for your reply and kind words , our world is cruel indeed

you aren't alone when it comes to the will to leave this world

im truly sorry to hear that , and i honestly feel for you , when your will to leave is stronger than our instinct to live , it says a lot about our horrible world , i hope whatever your going through is painless and whatever you plan works out for you and it's very peaceful and fast <3

Thanks :)

Sorry your Schizophrenia and social phobia have prevented you from leaving and moving on. But I'm sure you'll figure something out. Best of luck to you :D

best of luck to you too my friend <3 , you've been a nice and friendly chatter and i honestly can't stop thanking you <3