Venting I couldnt die

[helpmepls]

In about 7 hours, my entire life is ruined. really really tried to find a way to die but i just couldnt find one. I tried both the torniquette method and partial hanging with 2 usb cables bundled together cause its the best thing i had access to. Neither worked. Today i tried every trick in the book and didnt even so much as get dizzy. My mom almost walked in on me twice during that time. Even if i did somehow faint she would likely find me before i died anyway. Why cant i just die? im so sick of this. im trying so hard but i physically cant do it no matter how much i beg for it to end.
Tomorrow my worst nightmares come true. A fate worse than death. I dont even know how to react. Part of me still thinks this is a dream. If only i could die everything would be fixed. but im cursed. i cant even make myself pass out with my own hands, let alone some shitty usb cable and makeshift kitchen towel carotid pads. i just wish i could teleport into even a slightly different reality where i actually had a rope, or maybe a reality where there was some place in my home for full suspension hanging, or maybe a reality where my mom doesnt check on my every 30 mins. if even one of those was gone maybe this wouldnt be happening to me. sorry for the long post i just really dont know what to do with myself anymore besides waste time by typing useless garbage.

 

[FuneralCry]

I see it as being so cruel and awful how it's this difficult to finally die, it's so inhumane how we cannot just peacefully and reliably escape from this existence, I understand that it's so torturous feeling trapped here. But anyway best wishes, I hope you eventually find the freedom you so desperately wish for.