Sakura.
Nienawidzę siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 107
For the past few days I have felt much "better" than usual. But unfortunately, not exactly, and only in an artificial way.
And even more unfortunately - at the moment it's completely worse...
***
I am in the middle of an exam session, which paradoxically had a positive effect on my mental state. I am studying a course considered to be one of the most difficult possible, I have 4 difficult or very difficult exams in this session, I have a terrible amount of studying, and all this paradoxically made me calmer and suffered less than usual. I definitely could not fully concentrate on the exams and I was not fully able to do enough work, but still my half-focus during the exam session made my suffering much less noticeable, and my suicidal thoughts faded into the background.
***
It is amazing, however, how quickly everything can change...
Just yesterday, late in the evening, I felt even positively, even though my situation is now exactly as horrible as it has been throughout my all life...
However, today everything is over...
Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow it will return to this sick norm, to my usual suffering...
Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I will feel less bad for some time, like I have in the last few days...
But today I was so mentally devastated, so destroyed, so hurt, so painful, so suffering... I haven't felt this bad in such a long time...
And all this because of how terrifying my life is as a handicapped, dysfunctional autistic, and how wonderful, how amazing it could be if only it weren't for autism...
***
I swear that if it weren't for not destroying my family's life, I would have left...
My family makes it impossible for me to commit suicide.
All my desire, all my longing to commit suicide in its own way is "not real" in this situation. Because in reality, there is not even such a possibility.
I am not able to do something like that to my family, and because of that my desire to commit suicide is in its own way "not real".
But if it weren't for my family, such a possibility would exist.
And if such a possibility existed, I swear that I would have gone down this "path".
***
I have wanted to commit suicide for 13 years now. Since I was only 11...
And at the same time I am not really walking the "path" to committing it, and at the same time I am not really doing this work to be at peace with my decision, because I have no real possibility to do it...
But as soon as such a possibility appears, as soon as the circumstance of destroying the life of my family no longer occurs, everything at the moment indicates that I will go down this "path"...
Perhaps I am actually going down this "path" and I will do it immediately after my grandmother and father pass away...
Perhaps, having finally the real possibility of committing suicide, maybe I will actually need a few more months, maybe a dozen or so, maybe a few years, to finally decide to do it and be fully at peace with my decision...
But what matters is that at the moment I do not see any other solution...
***
I am a retarted, dysfunctional autistic person...
I am not able to continue living the life I am leading...
And at the same time I am not able to change it...
My suffering is unbearable...
***
My autism has taken everything from me in my life...
It has left me nothing that could make me happy...
I can't live like this anymore...
And I don't want to live like this...
Autism has completely taken 24 years of my life away from me, and it will continue to do so.
What it has left is not worth enduring what I go through every day. It is not worth watching other people my age live such wonderful lives, and my life is completely wasted.
Please let it all come soon...
Let it all end...
And even more unfortunately - at the moment it's completely worse...
***
I am in the middle of an exam session, which paradoxically had a positive effect on my mental state. I am studying a course considered to be one of the most difficult possible, I have 4 difficult or very difficult exams in this session, I have a terrible amount of studying, and all this paradoxically made me calmer and suffered less than usual. I definitely could not fully concentrate on the exams and I was not fully able to do enough work, but still my half-focus during the exam session made my suffering much less noticeable, and my suicidal thoughts faded into the background.
***
It is amazing, however, how quickly everything can change...
Just yesterday, late in the evening, I felt even positively, even though my situation is now exactly as horrible as it has been throughout my all life...
However, today everything is over...
Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow it will return to this sick norm, to my usual suffering...
Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I will feel less bad for some time, like I have in the last few days...
But today I was so mentally devastated, so destroyed, so hurt, so painful, so suffering... I haven't felt this bad in such a long time...
And all this because of how terrifying my life is as a handicapped, dysfunctional autistic, and how wonderful, how amazing it could be if only it weren't for autism...
***
I swear that if it weren't for not destroying my family's life, I would have left...
My family makes it impossible for me to commit suicide.
All my desire, all my longing to commit suicide in its own way is "not real" in this situation. Because in reality, there is not even such a possibility.
I am not able to do something like that to my family, and because of that my desire to commit suicide is in its own way "not real".
But if it weren't for my family, such a possibility would exist.
And if such a possibility existed, I swear that I would have gone down this "path".
***
I have wanted to commit suicide for 13 years now. Since I was only 11...
And at the same time I am not really walking the "path" to committing it, and at the same time I am not really doing this work to be at peace with my decision, because I have no real possibility to do it...
But as soon as such a possibility appears, as soon as the circumstance of destroying the life of my family no longer occurs, everything at the moment indicates that I will go down this "path"...
Perhaps I am actually going down this "path" and I will do it immediately after my grandmother and father pass away...
Perhaps, having finally the real possibility of committing suicide, maybe I will actually need a few more months, maybe a dozen or so, maybe a few years, to finally decide to do it and be fully at peace with my decision...
But what matters is that at the moment I do not see any other solution...
***
I am a retarted, dysfunctional autistic person...
I am not able to continue living the life I am leading...
And at the same time I am not able to change it...
My suffering is unbearable...
***
My autism has taken everything from me in my life...
It has left me nothing that could make me happy...
I can't live like this anymore...
And I don't want to live like this...
Autism has completely taken 24 years of my life away from me, and it will continue to do so.
What it has left is not worth enduring what I go through every day. It is not worth watching other people my age live such wonderful lives, and my life is completely wasted.
Please let it all come soon...
Let it all end...
