Venting i completely screwed up the plan

[dinosavr]

Sooo today it's my birthday yay and I'm devastated. This day was never supposed to happen. I was supposed to die as a 23 years old. I guess I didn't devote myself enough to death, I haven't taken my chances and didn't go through with it. And now I am where I am and where I absolutely don't want to be. I'm really angry with myself, really really reeeaaaally much. I can't find a way to accept it and to be truly happy that everyone is so nice to me today. I wish I was a normal human being!! And if I'm not I can just as well end up six feet under :) Why not? What is stopping for real?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Don't angry at yourself!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 

[itsalittlecold]

Sooo today it's my birthday yay and I'm devastated. This day was never supposed to happen. I was supposed to die as a 23 years old. I guess I didn't devote myself enough to death, I haven't taken my chances and didn't go through with it. And now I am where I am and where I absolutely don't want to be. I'm really angry with myself, really really reeeaaaally much. I can't find a way to accept it and to be truly happy that everyone is so nice to me today. I wish I was a normal human being!! And if I'm not I can just as well end up six feet under :) Why not? What is stopping for real?

Try not to be too hard on yourself, survival instinct can show in many different forms. Our conscious and subconscious are powerful too.
If your end goal is to ctb, there is nothing rushing us to do it, apart from the pain we face..
it's brave & shows strength that you wanted to ctb & still carry on living through the days.

I relate to you, I've been dragging it on for years now and when I was supposed to attempt, I let my sister do what she thought was best. In the back off my mind, I let it happen just so when I do leave, she won't feel like she could have done something. This way I've showed her she's done all she can.

Happy birthday (for what it's worth) I hope something makes you smile today

 

[thanatos444]

It seems a bit facetious to say happy birthday, but I do hope you find something to make the day more bearable.

 

[rozeske]

Happy birthday
I hope it is an easy day.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Even though it's not where you want to be at this stage in your life, wishing you a Happy Birthday, anyway.

 

[timetodie24]

I'm sorry, birthdays can be difficult when suicidal. I often feel resentment and guilt on mine. I'm hoping to be gone before 24 too but worried I won't as it gets closer.
It's ok for dates and plans to change. Ctb is the last and hardest thing you'll ever do. It's natural to struggle with it and pull back. I know it's so frustrating. But I find putting ages or deadlines on it actually decreases likelihood of doing it . As none of us really know when we'll be ready. The pressure just makes things worse. I know easier said than done, but try not be too hard on yourself. Even if it's not what you wanted, surviving through hell isn't easy and takes a lot.

Saying happy birthday feels wrong but I hope today isn't too awful.

 

[dinosavr]

@Praestat_Mori @Thanatos @rozeske @locked*n*loaded @timetodie24
Thank you you're all so kind, I'm really grateful for you guys!!

And everyone wished my dreams come true, wow, they'll be surprised. I almost feel sorry.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

Happy birthday I understand being frustrated at passing the date that you previously set for yourself as a deadline. But, in reality it's just an arbitrary date. Don't be too hard on yourself

 

[fleetingnight]

Dying is a really hard thing to do, don't be hard on yourself about it. Most of us probably wouldn't be here if it was easy to stick to a plan.