Story I choosed to live and I regret it

[Imhopeless]

I said in my previous post that on the day I choosed to ctb (new year's/my bday) my friends asked me to join them for a party, it never happened before, I was always alone on this day. I knew it was now or never, either I die January 1st 2025 at 00:30 or I continue to live.

I choosed my friends, I figured out they were preparing a surprise birthday party for me, I didn't wanted them to feel bad, like their efforts went to waste so I choosed to live on. I can't be more miserable. It hit me that I now will have to live till I'm old. I have try and look for people to spend the rest of my life with me. It's only 23 hours since my decision but I'm already regretting it like hell. I feel this empty void in my chest, It feels like its nagging at me that I made a wrong choice and now I'll have to pay the price.

While I was at my friend's place, because that's where they wanted to meet,I was left alone in the room for a few minutes, they gave me some excuse but basically they just went together to bring me a cake, while I was sitting there, I couldn't help but want to cry. When they sang me happy birthday I didn't felt happy, I just knew right there I made a wrong decision.

After some people went home and some fell asleep I was in a bathroom with my friend that I consider my closest. I was drunk and miserable, I had this urge to tell her that I could've been dead if it wasn't for them. I wanted to tell her about my original plan and just feel the weight being dropped off my shoulders. I was this close to do so but someone shouted for us to go to sleep already and I didn't tell her in the end.

I feel terrible, I know it's not their fault, I made the choice in the end. I wanted to enjoy their little surprise but I couldn't. Now I'm sitting at home, regretting that I am alive.

I know some will say that I can always attempt some other time but I cant. I knew it was this one specific date, the plan, the preparations, I can't do it again. It was then or never and I stupidly decided to go with what would be better for them and not for me. All I can do now is hope something else will kill me, when they told me to make a wish and blow candles I just hoped to die this year. I'm tired and I ruined my only chance. If I could go back in time I would choose differently

 

[LukaParrot]

You have some great friends there.

They really care about you and I know that's even with all support, loving and care, we cant control our minds.

Dont hate me for saying this but I'm happy for you, because now you have more time to find a reason to life.

I dont know if you're struggling with depression or thoughts, feels like a spiral right? Meds can help to put a break on that.

Dont underestimate what a pill can make... seeking for help is very hard when you're really down. Pills work usually in two-three weeks give a try if you still didnt tried that.

 

[JustHere1]

Every day is technically the same, your experiences define it as something unique. This isn't your last opportunity unless you claim it is and stick to it. Go with what brings you happiness, life or death, or life towards organic death. It all ends the same, in a different way, shape, or form, regardless. Best of luck, and I hope you recover well if you choose to live <3