monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 622
don't give me advice i don't care!!!!!!!!!!!
i really want to like watching movies again but i just feel so much anguish because i know my friend watches movies with his new boyfriend and i just keep ruminating on how they'll always watch new movies together now. while i'm all alone in my stupid fucking town and i have no money or transportation to watch movies in a theater. i feel so embarrassed that i need someone to pick me up and drop me off. my friend would drive me to the theater every time and we would sit next to each other because we were best friends. now we're nothing.
i don't want to watch anymore movies ever again. i don't want to think about movies. i found out my friend was dating someone because they were watching the same movies together. i can't take it. i can't take thinking about it sometimes and it just makes me want to curl up and die. i found out they were dating in october and i just couldn't stop crying the entire month, and i'm still not over it because obviously things aren't the same anymore. i'm trying to do other stuff with my time but in the quiet moments my mind wanders and there's a lump in my throat because he has a new best friend and it's not me. i don't hang out with or talk with my other friends that still live in town because i don't leave my house that much. i don't care if he still thinks we're still friends because he found someone that he likes more than me and i don't feel like i'm worth his time anymore. it'd be better if things ended then and there but i still need him in my life because i'm so lonely.
some days i feel better and some days i just sink back into suicidal ideation because i can't be the person my best friend is hanging out with anymore and it makes me so jealous. i know he won't like me if i just tell him his new relationship makes me want to cry all the time. my friend still wants me to be friends with him while i think that he doesn't need me in his life if he has someone else. he said he'll visit me during thanksgiving break and that he still likes talking to me but i just feel like he doesn't understand that i have no one. i have nobody here with me in this town.
the friends i make on here can't talk with me for too long. they either recover or they die. i'm trying to find a direction to go in, too. i don't have the resources to kill myself right now so i'm very much stuck in this spot and unable to get over things, and i also don't have the resources to get better because i'm isolated from most people and can't drive. all the fun things i can do are in the city, and i have no money. people say when i turn 21 i can go to bars and be social there but a part of me really doesn't care. my heart hurts almost every day.
i feel like i never want to watch a movie again because i just hate thinking of my friend doing the thing we used to do. it was supposed to be our special thing, but now i know it was only his special thing he does with other people. he still thinks i like watching movies but i told him that i hate them because i miss him when i watch them. he doesn't understand. no one understands. this is all stupid.
there's literally no way to leave my house unless i ask my dad to drive me there, by the way. that's the most mortifying part of it. i basically have no personal freedom and it's very hard to plan things with my remaining friends because no one in my friend group can drive since the person who can drive is busy working a full time job. i don't have enough money to warrant buying an uber to and from somewhere. i literally just stew in my house all day crying pathetically if i don't push myself to do something that would make me happy. this cycle sucks. i've been like this for months and it's hard for me to want to improve when i think that no one even really believes in me or wants me to get better. i don't have an anchor in my life and i don't want to cling onto a random new person because i'm so desperate for company. i hate that i'm like this when i know i can be better. this mindset is crippling and self perpetuating.
i really want to like watching movies again but i just feel so much anguish because i know my friend watches movies with his new boyfriend and i just keep ruminating on how they'll always watch new movies together now. while i'm all alone in my stupid fucking town and i have no money or transportation to watch movies in a theater. i feel so embarrassed that i need someone to pick me up and drop me off. my friend would drive me to the theater every time and we would sit next to each other because we were best friends. now we're nothing.
i don't want to watch anymore movies ever again. i don't want to think about movies. i found out my friend was dating someone because they were watching the same movies together. i can't take it. i can't take thinking about it sometimes and it just makes me want to curl up and die. i found out they were dating in october and i just couldn't stop crying the entire month, and i'm still not over it because obviously things aren't the same anymore. i'm trying to do other stuff with my time but in the quiet moments my mind wanders and there's a lump in my throat because he has a new best friend and it's not me. i don't hang out with or talk with my other friends that still live in town because i don't leave my house that much. i don't care if he still thinks we're still friends because he found someone that he likes more than me and i don't feel like i'm worth his time anymore. it'd be better if things ended then and there but i still need him in my life because i'm so lonely.
some days i feel better and some days i just sink back into suicidal ideation because i can't be the person my best friend is hanging out with anymore and it makes me so jealous. i know he won't like me if i just tell him his new relationship makes me want to cry all the time. my friend still wants me to be friends with him while i think that he doesn't need me in his life if he has someone else. he said he'll visit me during thanksgiving break and that he still likes talking to me but i just feel like he doesn't understand that i have no one. i have nobody here with me in this town.
the friends i make on here can't talk with me for too long. they either recover or they die. i'm trying to find a direction to go in, too. i don't have the resources to kill myself right now so i'm very much stuck in this spot and unable to get over things, and i also don't have the resources to get better because i'm isolated from most people and can't drive. all the fun things i can do are in the city, and i have no money. people say when i turn 21 i can go to bars and be social there but a part of me really doesn't care. my heart hurts almost every day.
i feel like i never want to watch a movie again because i just hate thinking of my friend doing the thing we used to do. it was supposed to be our special thing, but now i know it was only his special thing he does with other people. he still thinks i like watching movies but i told him that i hate them because i miss him when i watch them. he doesn't understand. no one understands. this is all stupid.
there's literally no way to leave my house unless i ask my dad to drive me there, by the way. that's the most mortifying part of it. i basically have no personal freedom and it's very hard to plan things with my remaining friends because no one in my friend group can drive since the person who can drive is busy working a full time job. i don't have enough money to warrant buying an uber to and from somewhere. i literally just stew in my house all day crying pathetically if i don't push myself to do something that would make me happy. this cycle sucks. i've been like this for months and it's hard for me to want to improve when i think that no one even really believes in me or wants me to get better. i don't have an anchor in my life and i don't want to cling onto a random new person because i'm so desperate for company. i hate that i'm like this when i know i can be better. this mindset is crippling and self perpetuating.
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