flightlessbutterfly
Mindless Wanderer
- Jun 25, 2023
- 51
I've been holding myself back for years upon years, constantly telling myself to try. People said that it felt soothing. Not nice, definitely not nice. But it quiets every little thought in your head. I've imagined and visualised it over and over. The pain of cutting scares me, but all pain does. What's one more? I want to cut myself so bad, I fantasise about it a lot. But I don't know how to properly do it, and how to handle the physical pain of it. Is the physical pain worth the mental soothing?
They always say 'As long as you tried your best'. But what if I don't want to try anymore? What if my best is NEVER good enough, and it's just a waste of my time? I try, but I never try my 'best'. How can I try my best when I'm constantly at my worst?
Do I deserve to feel like this is my worst? Other people have it worse. Other people suffer more. Other people actually have trauma and phobias and issues that affect them. I'm just a stupid little thing who hates myself but hides it under a mask of self confidence.
I don't fear heights anymore. The adrenaline of being in the sky, of being in danger, it is a temporary salve to the feeling of wanting to cut myself. Of wanting to hurt myself, in more ways than one. I don't want to cut, the idea of physical pain scares me, but I can't take the mental anguish anymore. I can't keep going through 'satisfied' to 'extremely suicidal' back to 'satisfied' in mere hours again. I can't.
They always say 'As long as you tried your best'. But what if I don't want to try anymore? What if my best is NEVER good enough, and it's just a waste of my time? I try, but I never try my 'best'. How can I try my best when I'm constantly at my worst?
Do I deserve to feel like this is my worst? Other people have it worse. Other people suffer more. Other people actually have trauma and phobias and issues that affect them. I'm just a stupid little thing who hates myself but hides it under a mask of self confidence.
I don't fear heights anymore. The adrenaline of being in the sky, of being in danger, it is a temporary salve to the feeling of wanting to cut myself. Of wanting to hurt myself, in more ways than one. I don't want to cut, the idea of physical pain scares me, but I can't take the mental anguish anymore. I can't keep going through 'satisfied' to 'extremely suicidal' back to 'satisfied' in mere hours again. I can't.
