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foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
I just can't. Everything in my life is so fucked right now. I've pushed everyone in my life away on purpose so I could ctb. I've been so successful in this yet I've never been more lonely. But I wanted this. I don't want anyone to invest anything in me because it's a waste of time, I just want to die. Why should they either? I've done nothing for anyone for months, I don't even deserve it.

I literally just had a dream where the lightbulb in my bathroom died and I had no replacement. I woke up and just started balling. It's seems so small but it's like the straw that broke that camel's back. It didn't even happen! What the fuck is wrong with me! I can't stop crying now because of this. It's so stupid.

I don't want to go on but I can't kill myself. I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do anymore and things just keep getting worse for me. It's just so hard right now. My savings are almost gone and I won't be able to support myself soon. I have no intention of living but I can't die. I just can't do this anymore. I'm so done but I'm too weak to just end it. I should have never been born. Fuck I'm so pathetic. What a stupid thing to break me, a fucking dream about something so innocuous. Sorry, this is such a waste of time. Holy hell I'm a mess.

And the world is such a cruel and stupid place. There's so much unjust pain on this forum, it's so unfair. ecmnesia's goodbye thread really caught me off guard. I'm such an idiot, I don't know what I expected being on a suicide forum but it was a gut punch. And here I am broken from a stupid dream. She deserved so much better. Everyone on here deserves so much better. I hate the world so much. Oh wow, I just can't anymore. I want to die so bad.

If you made it to the end of this nonsense thanks for reading but I can't be helped. I'm just venting my bullshit. Like absurd levels of bullshit. A fucking lightbulb...
 
Dead beat dad

Dead beat dad

Enlightened
Mar 5, 2019
1,030
I'm not sure I have anything useful to say here friend, but if it helps, I feel this.
I totally know that feeling of don't want to live but cannot die.
Vent my friend, a bad dream may have set you off but clearly there is other stuff going on, as you said I think: the straw that broke the camels back.
You're not alone in your feelings and Lord knows I wish I had something useful I could do to assuage this awful feeling that you have.
The only thing I can send is my love friend, from one keyboard on another side of the world to another.
Love and respect friend.
DBD
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
I'm not sure I have anything useful to say here friend, but if it helps, I feel this.
I totally know that feeling of don't want to live but cannot die.
Vent my friend, a bad dream may have set you off but clearly there is other stuff going on, as you said I think: the straw that broke the camels back.
You're not alone in your feelings and Lord knows I wish I had something useful I could do to assuage this awful feeling that you have.
The only thing I can send is my love friend, from one keyboard on another side of the world to another.
Love and respect friend.
DBD

Thanks man. Sending love back at you :heart:
 
_Kaira_

_Kaira_

This Isn't Fine
Oct 2, 2020
826
I'm so sorry you feel this way.

Ecmnesia's thread hurt me too. Way more than I thought. It always hurts when someone from here says goodbye. I especially cry when they go into detail about their regimes. It's a hard reality check about the forum we are on. I never expect the regulars to go so soon, especially when they seem to be getting better...
But her last post. THAT especially got to me. Tearing up even writing this thinking about it. So much pain and agony she must have been going through. My god....


Even as I suffer, I wish there was a way for me to help everyone on SS world a little brighter. No one deserves the pain they're going through. I feel powerless that I can't be there for every single person here, to feel at least a tiny bit better, to maybe somewhat help them feel like they can give another day a chance... Ultimately, it's every individual's choice here to decide when they've had enough.

But regardless of such realities. Even through the screen, you're not alone in thought. Sending love and hugs. :heart: :heart: :hug: :hug:
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
I'm so sorry you feel this way.

Ecmnesia's thread hurt me too. Way more than I thought. It always hurts when someone from here says goodbye. I especially cry when they go into detail about their regimes. It's a hard reality check about the forum we are on. I never expect the regulars to go so soon, especially when they seem to be getting better...
But her last post. THAT especially got to me. Tearing up even writing this thinking about it. So much pain and agony she must have been going through. My god....


Even as I suffer, I wish there was a way for me to help everyone on SS world a little brighter. No one deserves the pain they're going through. I feel powerless that I can't be there for every single person here, to feel at least a tiny bit better, to maybe somewhat help them feel like they can give another day a chance... Ultimately, it's every individual's choice here to decide when they've had enough.

But regardless of such realities. Even through the screen, you're not alone in thought. Sending love and hugs. :heart: :heart: :hug: :hug:

Thanks, sending love and hugs back :heart::hug:
You know what, that lightbulb is a jerk.

I'm sorry your having such a rough time. It's ok if you need to let some stuff out.

Thanks :heart: fuck that lightbulb lol
 
Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

He/him - Metal head
Feb 22, 2020
1,673
Thanks :heart: fuck that lightbulb lol

In your place, I would be tempted to smash the lightbulb on purpose, just out of spite for haunting my dreams!

"I have a flashlight, so what good are ya? You can sweep yourself of the floor bruh."

Probably an unwise thing to do, but I hope a little bit of humor helps you to feel a little better. I know what you mean about the final straw breaking the poor camel's back. I keep thinking my camel is going to give out on me every day, but somehow the stubborn SOB keeps on going.
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
In your place, I would be tempted to smash the lightbulb on purpose, just out of spite for haunting my dreams!

"I have a flashlight, so what good are ya? You can sweep yourself of the floor bruh."

Probably an unwise thing to do, but I hope a little bit of humor helps you to feel a little better. I know what you mean about the final straw breaking the poor camel's back. I keep thinking my camel is going to give out on me every day, but somehow the stubborn SOB keeps on going.

The humour is much appreciated friend. I often feel weird being able to still laugh while being suicidal but here I am lol. Thanks for the laugh :heart:
 
yive

yive

life is evil
Nov 6, 2020
696
And the world is such a cruel and stupid place. There's so much unjust pain on this forum, it's so unfair. ecmnesia's goodbye thread really caught me off guard. I'm such an idiot, I don't know what I expected being on a suicide forum but it was a gut punch. And here I am broken from a stupid dream. She deserved so much better. Everyone on here deserves so much better. I hate the world so much. Oh wow, I just can't anymore. I want to die so bad.

If you made it to the end of this nonsense thanks for reading but I can't be helped. I'm just venting my bullshit. Like absurd levels of bullshit. A fucking lightbulb...
beautiful words, my friend. scary to realize that you are in the same situation as myself.

the whole year of 2020 for me is one big death throes.
i hate to see this continue in 2021...
i'll try to do everything to ensure that this torture ends in 2020.

unfortunately, lately i have finally realized that this is the only way out for me.
all other paths inevitably lead to a dead end :(
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
beautiful words, my friend. scary to realize that you are in the same situation as myself.

the whole year of 2020 for me is one big death throes.
i hate to see this continue in 2021...
i'll try to do everything to ensure that this torture ends in 2020.

unfortunately, lately i have finally realized that this is the only way out for me.
all other paths inevitably lead to a dead end :(

Thank you for your kinda words friend :heart: Unfortunately I just lost my shit on another thread and became a straight up asshole, so I think I'll be pretty disliked on this forum soon. Gonna sign off now before I do any more damage to myself or others.
 
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shijsrzh

shijsrzh

Deluded Moron
Dec 2, 2020
99
foxdie...
You are not weak. You are not pathetic. That you exist is a wonder in its own right. We all are perfect manifestations of the ONE. We may be messes, true, but we are not worthless or weak. In fact, the roles are opposite. The ones endlessly consuming, living out their lives in ignorance for their own needs are weak and pathetic. All of us here, who actually gave a fuck in this life, have true strength, true value and true courage. And so do you. :heart:
You suffer this much not because you are pathetic. You are valuable and still bring up the courage to face this very day.
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
foxdie...
You are not weak. You are not pathetic. That you exist is a wonder in its own right. We all are perfect manifestations of the ONE. We may be messes, true, but we are not worthless or weak. In fact, the roles are opposite. The ones endlessly consuming, living out their lives in ignorance for their own needs are weak and pathetic. All of us here, who actually gave a fuck in this life, have true strength, true value and true courage. And so do you. :heart:
You suffer this much not because you are pathetic. You are valuable and still bring up the courage to face this very day.

Thank you for your kind response friend, it means a lot. All the responses and reacts mean a lot so thanks again to everyone :heart:
 
Neowise

Neowise

We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
Oct 7, 2020
353
Hey, it's not stupid to cry because of a light bulb. I think you didn't even cry because of that but probably because of all the stress you carry inside of you. You have trouble but don't know how to solve it. This situation is not easy for our minds to handle. This stress probably manifested in that lightbulb. I remember having a dream where I stood at the front door and heard a dog bark outside once. It was nothing unusual, but that one bark made me wake up and flail my arms and legs in horror. It took me maybe 3 seconds to realize it was a dream. To this day I haven't understood why my brain evoked this extreme reaction to a bark. I think it may be similar to your lightbulb.

And don't feel sorry for venting here. That's what the forum is here for after all ;) If you want to talk we are all here to listen.
I'm sorry you feel that miserable and are stuck. I hope the situation will get better for you one way or the other.
What has brought you to this point if I may ask?
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
Hey, it's not stupid to cry because of a light bulb. I think you didn't even cry because of that but probably because of all the stress you carry inside of you. You have trouble but don't know how to solve it. This situation is not easy for our minds to handle. This stress probably manifested in that lightbulb. I remember having a dream where I stood at the front door and heard a dog bark outside once. It was nothing unusual, but that one bark made me wake up and flail my arms and legs in horror. It took me maybe 3 seconds to realize it was a dream. To this day I haven't understood why my brain evoked this extreme reaction to a bark. I think it may be similar to your lightbulb.

And don't feel sorry for venting here. That's what the forum is here for after all ;) If you want to talk we are all here to listen.
I'm sorry you feel that miserable and are stuck. I hope the situation will get better for you one way or the other.
What has brought you to this point if I may ask?

So true, thanks for the kind words :heart:. What brought me here is so many things to be honest. Just being an outcast my whole life, being on my own most of the time. I've never been able to connect with most people throughout my life. Most of my family are shit, abusive and the creepy uncle cliche is sadly all too true for me. Covid and the lockdowns just kind of broke me and I realized I'm going to be alone forever because I am so defective. Probably other stuff I'm forgetting. Plus I tend to take on the pain of the whole world, which really isn't good haha. The world can be pretty terrible to everyone.
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,091
It really makes one feel helpless.
It does when you want to help so much and can't do anything about other people's problems. I have wondered if it may be a way to not think about my own problems.
 
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F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
It does when you want to help so much and can't do anything about other people's problems. I have wondered if it may be a way to not think about my own problems.

That's is very interesting perspective I hadn't considered. I do tend run away from my problems so maybe feeling the world's pain all the time is just another way we do this. Huh, food for thought.
 
Neowise

Neowise

We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
Oct 7, 2020
353
[...] being an outcast my whole life, being on my own most of the time. I've never been able to connect with most people throughout my life. Most of my family are shit, abusive and the creepy uncle cliche is sadly all too true for me. Covid and the lockdowns just kind of broke me and I realized I'm going to be alone forever because I am so defective. Probably other stuff I'm forgetting. Plus I tend to take on the pain of the whole world, which really isn't good haha. The world can be pretty terrible to everyone.
Oh, I can actually relate to that. I've always been a loser and an outcast. Everything I try turns out shit. My mother is a narcissist, my father emotionally absent. The only reason I can kinda keep going is because I hope to move out in 2 years (I still live with my parents due to university) and live my own life far away from them.
If you still live with your family I'm sure your life will get better once you have moved out. And if you already live on your own, maybe you think too much about your past? If your family is abusive, then fuck them. Look what lies ahead for you without the burden of negative surroundings.
If you can't ctb, then you seem to still have hope somewhere deep down.

I've pushed everyone in my life away on purpose so I could ctb. I've been so successful in this yet I've never been more lonely. But I wanted this.
If you really had wanted this you wouldn't feel that lonely. Maybe you shoot yourself in the foot with that? It is never too late to make friends, there is plenty of apps and sites where people living around the similar location can meet up, you'd most likely find like-minded people to talk with.

My savings are almost gone and I won't be able to support myself soon.
That's probably a personal question so you don't have to answer it. It sounds like you had a job but are now unemployed. Is there a reason why you won't be able to support yourself soon anymore?

I've done nothing for anyone for months, I don't even deserve it. [...] Plus I tend to take on the pain of the whole world, which really isn't good haha.
To me you seem like a person with a big heart. Those people are rare in our society and have a great value, really. I think you see no purpose in your life and yet you can't look at other people suffering. Now this may be a crazy idea of mine, but have you tried helping strangers? Like, giving food to homeless people. Adopting a stray cat or picking up trash from the streets? I think you are that kind of person that finds joy in helping others, you might want to try that. Maybe this could be a starting point for you to turn your life into something better.

Please don't think I want to preach to love your life. I'm no pro-lifer and I'm not here to talk you out of suicide. It is your free wish to do whatever you want. I just think the problems in your life are not completely unfixable. I think your biggest issue is you yourself, you keep spiraling yourself further down with your negative thoughts. Just like me actually, that's a thing we have in common.
 
Gnip

Gnip

Bill the Cat
Oct 10, 2020
621
I'm so sorry you feel this way.

Ecmnesia's thread hurt me too. Way more than I thought. It always hurts when someone from here says goodbye. I especially cry when they go into detail about their regimes. It's a hard reality check about the forum we are on. I never expect the regulars to go so soon, especially when they seem to be getting better...
But her last post. THAT especially got to me. Tearing up even writing this thinking about it. So much pain and agony she must have been going through. My god....


Even as I suffer, I wish there was a way for me to help everyone on SS world a little brighter. No one deserves the pain they're going through. I feel powerless that I can't be there for every single person here, to feel at least a tiny bit better, to maybe somewhat help them feel like they can give another day a chance... Ultimately, it's every individual's choice here to decide when they've had enough.

But regardless of such realities. Even through the screen, you're not alone in thought. Sending love and hugs. :heart: :heart: :hug: :hug:

Even with 20 mg crushed zolpidem and 2 mg clonazepam, I had an extremely restless night after ecmnesia's thread. It wasn't the cheerful "Bon Voyage" sendoff I got to exchange with dropdeadfred, but something abrupt and disturbing from one of the sweetest and gentlest members of SS.

When I was growing up, my father would slap and backhand me repeatedly to force me to cry, then hit me sharply again to force me to stop under the pretense that he was "toughening me up" (when in reality he was simply an evil and abusive weak and brutal bastard), so I can't really cry, but after ecmnesia left, I was constantly tossing, turning, having nightmares and tore my bedsheets up and off the mattress. So you're not alone in your distress over her. That was a hellish night for me.

I don't think I want to do that when I CTB. I'm here for information, knowledge, and have immersed myself in the fact of a support community where my life experiences are not at all uncommon but widely shared throughout the world, but when I actually CTB, I may simply stop posting. (Well, if my mother goes before me, I'll be in a rush to CTB before she can be interred, so that may be the moment I just cut myself off from SS and everything else aside from escaping this world.)
 
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F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
Oh, I can actually relate to that. I've always been a loser and an outcast. Everything I try turns out shit. My mother is a narcissist, my father emotionally absent. The only reason I can kinda keep going is because I hope to move out in 2 years (I still live with my parents due to university) and live my own life far away from them.
If you still live with your family I'm sure your life will get better once you have moved out. And if you already live on your own, maybe you think too much about your past? If your family is abusive, then fuck them. Look what lies ahead for you without the burden of negative surroundings.
If you can't ctb, then you seem to still have hope somewhere deep down.


If you really had wanted this you wouldn't feel that lonely. Maybe you shoot yourself in the foot with that? It is never too late to make friends, there is plenty of apps and sites where people living around the similar location can meet up, you'd most likely find like-minded people to talk with.


That's probably a personal question so you don't have to answer it. It sounds like you had a job but are now unemployed. Is there a reason why you won't be able to support yourself soon anymore?


To me you seem like a person with a big heart. Those people are rare in our society and have a great value, really. I think you see no purpose in your life and yet you can't look at other people suffering. Now this may be a crazy idea of mine, but have you tried helping strangers? Like, giving food to homeless people. Adopting a stray cat or picking up trash from the streets? I think you are that kind of person that finds joy in helping others, you might want to try that. Maybe this could be a starting point for you to turn your life into something better.

Please don't think I want to preach to love your life. I'm no pro-lifer and I'm not here to talk you out of suicide. It is your free wish to do whatever you want. I just think the problems in your life are not completely unfixable. I think your biggest issue is you yourself, you keep spiraling yourself further down with your negative thoughts. Just like me actually, that's a thing we have in common.

Thank you for this response. I appreciate it, very kind and very wise. I actually reached the highest peak in my career this year and it was amazing and I loved it but that all came crashing down. I also hate the grind of being a wage slave even tho I liked my job. I'm also lucky to have people in my life who would be at my side in an instant if I asked. But I can't burden them with this, I've been to broken for too long and it feels to me like emotional manipulation.

I've actually done a lot of volunteering in my life, but it just doesn't make me feel less dead inside anymore. I've had an interesting life, I've traveled the world, seen so many interesting places and cultures. But underneath it all, it all just seems so hopeless. Improving the world feels like a Sisyphean task.

My cat died in 2015 and I just can't bring myself to get another one because I couldn't do that to an animal since I want to die. I've been suicidal for a long time and I've suffered suicidal ideation since I was a child. I always stubbornly tell myself there's nothing wrong with me it's the world. In truth it's probably a bit of both.

I truly appreciate your words but I think I may be beyond repair or rehabilitation.
Even with 20 mg crushed zolpidem and 2 mg clonazepam, I had an extremely restless night after ecmnesia's thread. It wasn't the cheerful "Bon Voyage" sendoff I got to exchange with dropdeadfred, but something abrupt and disturbing from one of the sweetest and gentlest members of SS.

When I was growing up, my father would slap and backhand me repeatedly to force me to cry, then hit me sharply again to force me to stop under the pretense that he was "toughening me up" (when in reality he was simply an evil and abusive weak and brutal bastard), so I can't really cry, but after ecmnesia left, I was constantly tossing, turning, having nightmares and tore my bedsheets up and off the mattress. So you're not alone in your distress over her. That was a hellish night for me.

I don't think I want to do that when I CTB. I'm here for information, knowledge, and have immersed myself in the fact of a support community where my life experiences are not at all uncommon but widely shared throughout the world, but when I actually CTB, I may simply stop posting. (Well, if my mother goes before me, I'll be in a rush to CTB before she can be interred, so that may be the moment I just cut myself off from SS and everything else aside from escaping this world.)

I'm so sorry you're father was so cruel. We're all grieving in the way that we can for ecmnesia, I feel you in that. Such a beautiful soul and she was having doubts. And your father sounds horrible, so misinformed. Crying isn't a sign of weakness, it can be a sign of strength. Being able to accept and let in your emotions in can be the toughest thing one can do. Sending hugs friend :hug:
 
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toseeyousmile

toseeyousmile

Member
Nov 23, 2020
80
Everything you wrote is everything I fail to express tbh, I feel frustrated for leeching off people and being a neet and having them trust me and being a burden to them. Eventhough I've only been here for around a week, the times where I lurked and interacted with ecnemsia gave me the impression that they truly were a good person and in a lot of pain, it sucks that it had to be this way but if this was what she decided I only hope the best for her. I've also been distancing myself from people, it's further doomed my mental too so I take a step back everytime I catch myself doing something that's out of character but your thing with the lightbulb may seem dramatic and irrational, I don't think I can really fault you for it, you're going through a lot and whether or not it's justifiable, it is genuine so you shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad is what I'm trying to say if that makes sense. Best of luck to you.
 
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F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
Everything you wrote is everything I fail to express tbh, I feel frustrated for leeching off people and being a neet and having them trust me and being a burden to them. Eventhough I've only been here for around a week, the times where I lurked and interacted with ecnemsia gave me the impression that they truly were a good person and in a lot of pain, it sucks that it had to be this way but if this was what she decided I only hope the best for her. I've also been distancing myself from people, it's further doomed my mental too so I take a step back everytime I catch myself doing something that's out of character but your thing with the lightbulb may seem dramatic and irrational, I don't think I can really fault you for it, you're going through a lot and whether or not it's justifiable, it is genuine so you shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad is what I'm trying to say if that makes sense. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for your kind words :hug:. This life is so difficult it's hard sometimes to not feel like a burden to others. Hugs to you :hug:

ecnemsia's goodbye thread was tough it seems for a lot of us. I fully support her decision to end her pain but it doesn't make it any easier on me. (Totally not her problem I should say, all mine) That's why I like the term pro-choice. All of us are pro-life in some way I believe, we'd all love to live happy and healthy lives but sadly that is impossible. This is why everyone should be able to make their own choice. She made her own decision and I respect it immensely but it is still tragic to me, I can't help it. I hope she has finally found some peace and comfort. She is gone but not forgotten. :heart:

This site and community can truly be a special place despite what the outside world believes. I'm glad I discovered it when I was looking for methods. I know it most likely saved me from making an attempt that would have maimed me rather then given me any peace. Wow I am all over the place today haha. I should probably sleep soon lol.
 
Gnip

Gnip

Bill the Cat
Oct 10, 2020
621
I'm so sorry you're father was so cruel. We're all grieving in the way that we can for ecmnesia, I feel you in that. Such a beautiful soul and she was having doubts. And your father sounds horrible, so misinformed. Crying isn't a sign of weakness, it can be a sign of strength. Being able to accept and let in your emotions in can be the toughest thing one can do. Sending hugs friend :hug:

Thanks. My Catholic mother believes I am automatically excluded from Hell on grounds of Diminished Capacity, and that my father's going to be the one getting his ass burned for what he did to me. (I'm not certain of "Hell," "Heaven" or any "Justice" myself.)

In recent months, my father's talked about how protected he always was growing up. He had rickets resulting in a sunken chest, but older kids warned the younger ones to leave him alone, to never pick on him. In essence, having not ever been bullied but protected, my father was a spoiled brat, rotten to the core in every way.

Only by dying can my experience stop, it increasingly seems. I hope ecmnesia is now relieved of her bad experience with this world.
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
Thanks. My Catholic mother believes I am automatically excluded from Hell on grounds of Diminished Capacity, and that my father's going to be the one getting his ass burned for what he did to me. (I'm not certain of "Hell," "Heaven" or any "Justice" myself.)

In recent months, my father's talked about how protected he always was growing up. He had rickets resulting in a sunken chest, but older kids warned the younger ones to leave him alone, to never pick on him. In essence, having not ever been bullied but protected, my father was a spoiled brat, rotten to the core in every way.

Only by dying can my experience stop, it increasingly seems. I hope ecmnesia is now relieved of her bad experience with this world.

I'm not religious so I like to think when we die it is the absence of existence. This thought is always comforting to me, no pain, no nothing. I hope you can find your peace one day in whatever form that takes :hug:
 
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Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

He/him - Metal head
Feb 22, 2020
1,673
Plus I tend to take on the pain of the whole world, which really isn't good haha. The world can be pretty terrible to everyone.

I do the same thing. Unfortunately, being aware of everyone else's problems reminds me of all of the horrible things that COULD happen to me, giving me new problems to deal with on top of the ones I already have. It certainly doesn't help.
 
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