I can't stop thinking about ctb

[Tionally]

I can't stop thinking about ctb scenarios in my head. I could be doing anything - making a dinner, hanging out with friends, watching a TV show and then suddenly the thought of my death pops up in my head. It could be the scenario of the moment of my death, or something after (reactions etc), or moments before. I noticed that I have these scenarios in my head almost everyday I think and it seems kinda obsessive

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Do you have an idea what triggers your suicidal ideation? Why are you suidical? Life circumstances? Health problems? If I may ask that.

 

[Tionally]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Do you have an idea what triggers your suicidal ideation? Why are you suidical? Life circumstances? Health problems? If I may ask that.

my life isn't too bad I guess (I'm not too happy about it but generally speaking it's average with few problems) but my main problem is that I just don't really care about anything. I also don't have motivation to do things and I feel everything is pointless. I have also had anhedonia for a long time now so I don't feel many emotions which wasn't that big of a deal but now with derealization and depersonalization nothing seems real and I don't feel like I exist at this point.
I mostly want to ctb because everything requires so much effort and I don't have any strength to do it and I also don't really care about doing anything