Help I Can’t stop making mistakes

[Drifty]

I keep making huge mistakes. I keep hurting people, letting people who hurt me and my family the most back into my life, i keep accepting negativity, i keep affecting my girlfriend to the point she has panic attacks, breakdowns and ultimately i'm leading her to suicide, I keep affecting and hurting the people I love the most and I don't how to stop. I don't know how to stop any of this, I don't deserve to be on the planet anymore with the amount of hurt and distress and damage i'm causing to people. people i love and adore the most in my life.

I don't want sympathy or anything, i don't deserve it, i need help. I need to stop being so fucking selfish and putting myself before everyone else. I need to stop trying to avoid hurting people's feelings that i don't care about. My mother abused me and ruined my life and i've been letting her speak to me and i've been replying to her when i shouldn't have.

I need to help. How do i stop this. I am starting to think that ctb is the only way but i can't because of my son. how do i stop this constant feelings of avoidance when it comes to hurting other people's feelings. How do i stop hurting the people i love the most. I just can't tell someone to fuck off out my life even though I know they are killing me and that they are affective my loved ones. I am too much of a softy fucking loser to stop it. I think about everyone else before my loved ones which i know i shouldn't but i don't know how to stop. i just try to find the easy way out of everything so that i don't cause arguments with people. I know it's wrong, because when i do find the easy way out, it ends up affecting everyone i love. My girlfriend especially. she needs me to help her and to make her happy. she needs someone who she can trust not to hurt her feelings, but i constantly manage to hurt her and affect her and put her in the worst possible situation. i need help.

please help me, not for my sake, but for my loved ones.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I respect that you are willing to look at yourself and seek change. That takes a lot of strength, courage, and integrity.

I have a few recommendations.

The first is this thread on resources for learning boundaries. I especially recommend the two books by Nancy Evans, then the book Boundaries. The Nancy Evans books have a unique perspective that can help you safely look at both yourself and your mother. The author doesn't beat anybody up, she has a good way of explaining things without the usual labels.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

My next recommendation is that you call a domestic violence organization and ask for resources for perpetrators. This is not to say you are a perpetrator, but you recognize abusive tendencies, and there are resources to help. There may be online or irl groups with other men also seeking change.

My last suggestion is to look at this thread on manipulation tactics so you can be aware when you are using them, and when others are using them on you. This resource goes well with the book Boundaries.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/

Again, well done for reaching out. I wish you all the best.

 

[Quarky00]

That is one big mess Sounds like massive distress . You're also very guilt ridden and torn apart . And things were never really much better in the past I guess . I know you had your history . Appears you're also in a particular situation . Feels extremely trapped from several directions .

"I just can't tell someone to fuck off out my life even though I know they are killing me and that they are affective my loved ones.Could you explain more" - ?
"I think about everyone else before my loved ones"

 

[Drifty]

That is one big mess Sounds like massive distress . You're also very guilt ridden and torn apart . And things were never really much better in the past I guess . I know you had your history . Appears you're also in a particular situation . Feels extremely trapped from several directions .

"I just can't tell someone to fuck off out my life even though I know they are killing me and that they are affective my loved ones.Could you explain more" - ?
"I think about everyone else before my loved ones"

what I mean is that when someone who is negatively impacting me is in my life and they are affecting me and my family, i don't tell them to go away, I avoid arguments so I don't have to deal with the stress.