Venting I can’t stand this loneliness anymore

[Lovey]

I realised I joined this forum on May and I have attempted and self harmed so many times since. Yet here I am, alive. I really hate being alive to this day. I don't think I'm meant to live into the next year, and I hope I am successful when I attempt this Saturday.

I am so fucking tired of feeling lonely. Which you can feel even if you are surrounded by people. I pushed everyone away the past few months and there is no one checking up on me or trying to figure out how's my mental health at the moment. I am completely free from the pressure of others caring or wondering how I'm doing. Yet for some reason, I stupidly tried to reach out to someone last night. Some guy I've been sleeping with, who told me he enjoyed spending time together even if we didn't have sex, and I said everything about how suicidal I was and planning to CTB anytime soon, then I asked him to keep me company on Saturday for a little while. He said he had plans with his family. Then asked me to go inpatient.

I didn't ask to feel this way, I was so naive for giving it a go. Every time I give life another chance, every time I tell someone how I truly feel, every time I ask for help, every time I end up in the psych ward, IT NEVER GETS BETTER, it only gets worse! And I feel lonelier and more hopeless than I was before.

Please tell me I'm not alone on feeling this way…

 

[vitbar]

The loneliness really is the worst.

If I stopped putting the effort in I'd not hear from anyone except my mum.

 

[Redacted24]

I'm sorry you had someone not recognize when you needed them the most.
I don't think you're alone feeling lonely and somewhat outcast for your feelings. This site helps us connect.
When I've confided in others in the past I've had similar responses. I think it must be some sort of "fight or flee" reaction that people have when confronted with powerful human feelings they cannot grasp.
There are alternatives to your discouraging male friend. Plenty of them.
And, we're here for you too!

 

[vitbar]

This is true. Part of it is that there isn't a good social script for this kind of thing.

 

[DinoDaAltaTCPCacaRt]

Me neither.

 

[tsykoais]

same op, i have absolutely no one

I pushed everyone away the past few months and there is no one checking up on me or trying to figure out how's my mental health at the moment.

this is the exact situation i'm in, always the second option

 

[AInilam]

I can relate to feeling lonely even when you still have people in your life.
This site helps me feel less alone.
There are just certain topics a lot of people can't stomach to hear or deal with irl.
It's especially hurtful when you've listened, been patient and supportive with their struggles but they never return the favor, not that I expect them to--it'd just be nice. At this point I've learned to expect nothing and to appreciate every little act of kindness that does come my way. Even if it's just someone wishing me a good morning or good day.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I can relate.. the loneliness is my main reason for CTB. I have no one but my ex partner and one friend I hardly hear from. No family. It's very hard ..