Venting I can’t stand the shame of failing my family

[failurefather]

I feel stuck. I'm married with three kids. I've been in a constant decline over the past seven years. Depression and suicidal ideation makes it nearly impossible for me to function. It's like every force in the universe is driving me to annihilation.

My employment is drying up and we're a few months away from a financial disaster. The shame of failure compounds my desire to kill myself. My family deserves better than what I've been able to provide.

I've attempted a couple times but always aborted when I thought about how my family would be impacted. I love them but I hate what I've done to them. I deserve death and they deserve to be happy. I just don't see how I can get there. The entire situation is maddening to me.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Have you sought help about your problems? Trying everything possible to fix your situation is the best thing you can do for your family.

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

You are not a failure!!!!! You want to know who is a failure?! A man who leaves his pregnent gf/wife behind. You stayed loyal to your wife and you were blessed with 3 children.
Guess how many man dream to be in your situation and how many woman want to be with a man like you who supports his family to the best of his ability.

Please don't let financial troubles kill you. There is no shame in asking for help.

 

[thisgoesupto11]

Hey there,

I'm in a similar situation so I really feel for you.

Financial ruin is almost upon me. This is due to losing my job (twice over!) And all because of chronic pain (struggle to walk). I have two kids and I adore them. However a lot of times I think my family would be better off without me, that I am dragging them down into poverty. I am trying to keep going, I take each day as it comes and do my best, but its torture. I attempted to ctb but aborted as my wife found the helium and mask I was stashing lol.

I would just echo what others are saying, your actually doing a great job under very difficult circumstances and pressure and if you can, do ask for help. Some of us don't ask for help as we dont want to appear that we are weak or letting anyone down (me!) However I do agree it's perhaps better to do that first before any drastic measures.

Wish you the best

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling, but you're not a failure. You're struggling to stay afloat for your family and that's very far from what "failure" means (((hugs)))

Can you tell us what you've tried to get the depression under control? Are you eligible for unemployment benefits, and/or can you look for other work? If you have a few months' cushion that gives you some time to find some new source of income, right?

Can you tell us a bit about your family and other people close to you in real life? Is there anyone supportive you can talk with, besides people on this forum?

 

[failurefather]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Have you sought help about your problems? Trying everything possible to fix your situation is the best thing you can do for your family.

I've been in and out of counseling and medication for the past few years. Nothing has really helped unfortunately. Since money has started to become scarce I have stopped counseling entirely. I'm at the point where I will need to start another career if I want to make money again, and would need to take classes, get training, etc., and I don't have the money to do that (hell, I just finished paying off my original student loans from college two years ago). I have a life insurance policy that is very old. I checked the laws in my state, and it would pay out even if I kill myself (I'm past the two year clause). That would fund getting my kids through college, and would cover housing for my family for at least 10 years. That's the thing that's the most tempting to me. I would stop dragging my family through my depressive episodes, and I would fund everything they want (and deserve) in life.

I'm sorry you're struggling, but you're not a failure. You're struggling to stay afloat for your family and that's very far from what "failure" means (((hugs)))

Can you tell us what you've tried to get the depression under control? Are you eligible for unemployment benefits, and/or can you look for other work? If you have a few months' cushion that gives you some time to find some new source of income, right?

Can you tell us a bit about your family and other people close to you in real life? Is there anyone supportive you can talk with, besides people on this forum?

Man, it's tough not to feel like a failure. I'm 40 years old, don't own a home, and have enough money to keep my family afloat for just 6 months. I should be able to afford things like college and fun activities for my kids, and it really hurts that I can't do it. I've tried counseling and medication, nothing was working. Since money and employment started drying up I ended both of those things. People told me I just need to find the right therapist / medication, but I don't have the money to do that right now.

I'm looking for work, but it's really tough. It's starting to look like I would need to invest in a new career training to find work, because I'm not getting anywhere in my current line of work. I work in advertising and just last year I turned 40. The ad agency world is a young person's game, and it's looking like I need to do something else to make ends meet. I feel like an idiot for thinking "it wouldn't happen to me" and not planning ahead.

I have some friends, but none that I want to burden with talk about my career and money struggles. I try to put on a brave face with my family so I don't bum them out more than I already do. Really the best gift I think I could give them is a cashout of my life insurance policy (it's old and past the two-year suicide clause). It would fund college and at least 10 years of housing. The idea of dragging them through years of my own personal shame and failure hell seems unfair to them.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

You are more valuable than money. I would rather be poor than to lose anyone in my family. I'm sure your family probably feels that way about you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@failurefather, in one paragraph, you said a few things that really stuck out to me. If I said them to a friend, I would want that friend to point out to me where my thinking was leading me down a bad path. I don't know you, but I'm being that kind of friend to you here.

I have some friends, but none that I want to burden with talk about my career and money struggles.

If those friends were going through the same struggles, would you want to be there for them? If they are truly good and trustworthy friends, allow them to be the kind of friends to you that you would be for them. You don't have to bring up ctb, but you can bring up how serious this is and that you need support, and how it's so heavy it's isolating you from reaching out for it. You can let them know you don't want them to own your problems, but you don't know how to carry the burdens alone.

I try to put on a brave face with my family so I don't bum them out more than I already do. Really the best gift I think I could give them is a cashout of my life insurance policy (it's old and past the two-year suicide clause). It would fund college and at least 10 years of housing. The idea of dragging them through years of my own personal shame and failure hell seems unfair to them.

I have the idea that you've got some old messages running about what a man does, about work and supporting a family, about shame, and about failure. The messages are so strong, they pretend they are you (or your parents?) and take over your identity in the form of your user name. These messages condemn you when you've done nothing to be condemned for. They are isolating you, and condemning and isolating your children to a future without a father.

I'm not a fan of Ted Talks; I think, like self-help books, they're mostly inspiration porn. But I highly recommend Brenee Brown's talks on vulnerability and shame.

Sending you a hug as a friend would give. Do with my words whatever you want, but I sincerely hope they lift a little of the burdens from you.