MiMif
I do not live for others to understand me...
- Sep 13, 2023
- 588
I'm not sure if anyone else relates to this but I really can not stand being around people. I won't lie my personality sucks and I wouldn't be surprised if I had a personality disorder
(I've never been checked for anything as a matter of fact....lmao my teacher in elemtry school told my parents I probably had special needs and they didn't believe in special needs or any of that so they ignored her. Also just recently realized I probably had ocd as a kid...I used to tap walls and desks a certain number of times believing I would die if I didn't and would make sure to stay inside the square and not step on the line when walking in hallways. I also used to figit alot though even now I figit alot I did end up having special needs but it said I was gifted after I took an iq test that my school had. But I honestly ngl feel like I have a bunch of mental issues that have been unaddressed my whole life and feel like im going insane especially now.)
Anyway back to the topic i really can't stand being around other people. I'm not even just talking about mean people even my friends who are genuinely nice I can't stand being around them. Whenever someone starts talking to me I put on a face and one half of me goes into the conversation while the other part is hating every part of it and wanting it to stop and wanting to yell at the person to shut the fuck up. It's been happening alot lately.
I feel bad cause I feel some people are genuinely worried for me but whenever any human tries conversing with me I want them to shut up i really just want to be alone that's my biggest dream I want to live in Solitude I don't want to talk to anyone.
This goes especially for guys...I'm going to sound full of myself but whenever a guy comes in my direction I legit in my head curse him out and say he better not ask me out. That sounds really full of myself but like it's happened alot and I get uncomfortable around guys so it's really annoying. I want to rip out everyone's throats especially my own.
I'm coming to the point where i feel I am now insane and there is no going back. I feel like I have alot of unaddressed mental issues like honestly I never had a doctor check because my parents don't belive in that but I have like all the symptoms of adhd and ocd...Mt brain cant even think properly.
Like I'm not sure if anyone else can relate but there's another voice that repeats my thoughts before I can think them and I can't think and always tell it to shut up som3times it does but other times it doesn't. And recently my head has been hurting alot and I've been getting alot more nosebleeds. Like I've always been prone to nosebleeds but a few days ago it was so bad that after I stuffed my nose it began coming out of my mouth and when I took the tissues out of my nose the blood started pouring out like a faucet no joke it wouldn't stop I had to stay over the sink for like 10 minutes.
I feel like im brok3n beyond repair and feel like alot of my mental struggles and focusing struggles might have been solved if I got the proper treatment when I was a child. Maybe a small part of me resents my parents for that.
This is a really long vent but I'm beginning to hate the people around me too. I'm beginning to hate my parents, my sisters my friends everyone who cares for me im beginning to despise them.
Honestly th3 desire to die is so strong I feel broken beyond repair and when I think I'm getting better I know its simply because I'm not thinking and faking everything. Not a single person in my life knows the real me. I am going insane before it was just with communicating with other people but now I'm going insane even when I'm talking to myself in my head because of that other voice.
The voice only goes away when I mindlessly scroll through social media but after hours of doing that I start getting anxiety which is worst then the anxiety I get with myself in my head.
I'm not sure if my venting made any sense but it's probably because I don't even know how to explain my situation. Summing it up I hate being around people and I am going insane.
(I've never been checked for anything as a matter of fact....lmao my teacher in elemtry school told my parents I probably had special needs and they didn't believe in special needs or any of that so they ignored her. Also just recently realized I probably had ocd as a kid...I used to tap walls and desks a certain number of times believing I would die if I didn't and would make sure to stay inside the square and not step on the line when walking in hallways. I also used to figit alot though even now I figit alot I did end up having special needs but it said I was gifted after I took an iq test that my school had. But I honestly ngl feel like I have a bunch of mental issues that have been unaddressed my whole life and feel like im going insane especially now.)
Anyway back to the topic i really can't stand being around other people. I'm not even just talking about mean people even my friends who are genuinely nice I can't stand being around them. Whenever someone starts talking to me I put on a face and one half of me goes into the conversation while the other part is hating every part of it and wanting it to stop and wanting to yell at the person to shut the fuck up. It's been happening alot lately.
I feel bad cause I feel some people are genuinely worried for me but whenever any human tries conversing with me I want them to shut up i really just want to be alone that's my biggest dream I want to live in Solitude I don't want to talk to anyone.
This goes especially for guys...I'm going to sound full of myself but whenever a guy comes in my direction I legit in my head curse him out and say he better not ask me out. That sounds really full of myself but like it's happened alot and I get uncomfortable around guys so it's really annoying. I want to rip out everyone's throats especially my own.
I'm coming to the point where i feel I am now insane and there is no going back. I feel like I have alot of unaddressed mental issues like honestly I never had a doctor check because my parents don't belive in that but I have like all the symptoms of adhd and ocd...Mt brain cant even think properly.
Like I'm not sure if anyone else can relate but there's another voice that repeats my thoughts before I can think them and I can't think and always tell it to shut up som3times it does but other times it doesn't. And recently my head has been hurting alot and I've been getting alot more nosebleeds. Like I've always been prone to nosebleeds but a few days ago it was so bad that after I stuffed my nose it began coming out of my mouth and when I took the tissues out of my nose the blood started pouring out like a faucet no joke it wouldn't stop I had to stay over the sink for like 10 minutes.
I feel like im brok3n beyond repair and feel like alot of my mental struggles and focusing struggles might have been solved if I got the proper treatment when I was a child. Maybe a small part of me resents my parents for that.
This is a really long vent but I'm beginning to hate the people around me too. I'm beginning to hate my parents, my sisters my friends everyone who cares for me im beginning to despise them.
Honestly th3 desire to die is so strong I feel broken beyond repair and when I think I'm getting better I know its simply because I'm not thinking and faking everything. Not a single person in my life knows the real me. I am going insane before it was just with communicating with other people but now I'm going insane even when I'm talking to myself in my head because of that other voice.
The voice only goes away when I mindlessly scroll through social media but after hours of doing that I start getting anxiety which is worst then the anxiety I get with myself in my head.
I'm not sure if my venting made any sense but it's probably because I don't even know how to explain my situation. Summing it up I hate being around people and I am going insane.
