Venting I can't sleep and I don't want to be here. Please help me

[SecretDissociation]

I'm desperate to kill myself. I'm spiraling down. I want to buy SN and let death take control. This fucking quetiapine aka seroquel won't do shit. I regret telling my mental health team anything. I want out from life. I can't live anymore. I mask everyday. And behold, I look great. I look fine. Until I can't come to work, until all I do is talk about death, until all that matters to me is the plane of nothingness.

Everything is too much for me. I keep seeing their faces. Dr Psych guy and Ms Wellbeing practitioner looking at me in the consultation room. Their neutral faces. The Dr's burning eyes as he tries to comprehend what I am saying. I want them to get out of my head. Out of my head. I don't want to get attached. I don't want to think that they care. I don't want their faces burned into my brain. They're judging me. Are they judging me? Or are they worried that I will manage to kill myself?

I want to slice and dice my arms until I die. To bleed more. To turn my low blood iron into Iron-deficiency anemia. I want to keep bleeding. I want to bleed so much my heart fails. I have images of me slicing my carotid artery(ies). Just a swipe on the neck. No need for two. Just two quick swipes and I will die. Pain is okay. Pain is good. It will hug me dearly nd bring me back to the ground.

I hate this feeling. Stuck in a limbo. In the annoying grey area. Fucking EUPD shit. I don't even know for sure if I have EUPD. I know Dr Psych Guy said it, he said "you have EUPD. Have you heard of it? You hate the world but you love the world..." and that I will be doing DBT. But why is it hard to believe. I should ask him, but he is scary. This is all so scary. Hey, person reading this? Am I brave? Tell me I am brave.

I want to feel the cold embrace of death. Everyday the date to jump gets closer. In the meantime I can only try to overdose and learn how to cut deeper while trying other methods like hanging and the carbon monoxide method. Death, why won't you pay me a visit? You got Dr Psych Guy baffled because I didn't feel very bad with all the medications I tried to overdose with. Death, you got me running towards your way. But you're so far away. You are so far away.

Am I okay? Will I be okay? I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to recover anymore. I want Death. Sweet Death. I want my well-being practitioner back. Will my mental health team abandon me? Will they leave me like everyone else? Guys, am I okay? Tell me I am strong. Someone help me. I'm lost. I'm so lost.

 

[Renv1o_]

You seem to be carrying so much :( I hope you find some kind of relief for how you're feeling soon- mental health systems were terrible, for me- My experience with professionals felt so dehumanising and left me feeling as if my whole existence was a flaw to begin with.

You are strong. No one deserves to endure so much pain and confusion.

 

[SecretDissociation]

You seem to be carrying so much :( I hope you find some kind of relief for how you're feeling soon- mental health systems were terrible, for me- My experience with professionals felt so dehumanising and left me feeling as if my whole existence was a flaw to begin with.

You are strong. No one deserves to endure so much pain and confusion.

Thank you for such kind words <3. I hope the weight on me lessens and that maybe this feeling of being a flaw disappears.

 

[Renv1o_]

Thank you for such kind words <3. I hope the weight on me lessens and that maybe this feeling of being a flaw disappears.

i hope so too! try to be gentle with yourself. im here if you ever need to talk through anything

 

[withouthope]

I'm desperate to kill myself. I'm spiraling down. I want to buy SN and let death take control. This fucking quetiapine aka seroquel won't do shit. I regret telling my mental health team anything. I want out from life. I can't live anymore. I mask everyday. And behold, I look great. I look fine. Until I can't come to work, until all I do is talk about death, until all that matters to me is the plane of nothingness.

Everything is too much for me. I keep seeing their faces. Dr Psych guy and Ms Wellbeing practitioner looking at me in the consultation room. Their neutral faces. The Dr's burning eyes as he tries to comprehend what I am saying. I want them to get out of my head. Out of my head. I don't want to get attached. I don't want to think that they care. I don't want their faces burned into my brain. They're judging me. Are they judging me? Or are they worried that I will manage to kill myself?

I want to slice and dice my arms until I die. To bleed more. To turn my low blood iron into Iron-deficiency anemia. I want to keep I'm desperate to kill myself. I'm spiraling down. I want to buy SN and let death take control. This fucking quetiapine aka seroquel won't do shit. I regret telling my mental health team anything. I want out from life. I can't live anymore. I mask everyday. And behold, I look great. I look fine. Until I can't come to work, until all I do is talk about death, until all that matters to me is the plane of nothingness.

Everything is too much for me. I keep seeing their faces. Dr Psych guy and Ms Wellbeing practitioner looking at me in the consultation room. Their neutral faces. The Dr's burning eyes as he tries to comprehend what I am saying. I want them to get out of my head. Out of my head. I don't want to get attached. I don't want to think that they care. I don't want their faces burned into my brain. They're judging me. Are they judging me? Or are they worried that I will manage to kill myself?

I want to slice and dice my arms until I die. To bleed more. To turn my low blood iron into Iron-deficiency anemia. I want to keep bleeding. I want to bleed so much my heart fails. I have images of me slicing my carotid artery(ies). Just a swipe on the neck. No need for two. Just two quick swipes and I will die. Pain is okay. Pain is good. It will hug me dearly nd bring me back to the ground.

I hate this feeling. Stuck in a limbo. In the annoying grey area. Fucking EUPD shit. I don't even know for sure if I have EUPD. I know Dr Psych Guy said it, he said "you have EUPD. Have you heard of it? You hate the world but you love the world..." and that I will be doing DBT. But why is it hard to believe. I should ask him, but he is scary. This is all so scary. Hey, person reading this? Am I brave? Tell me I am brave.

I want to feel the cold embrace of death. Everyday the date to jump gets closer. In the meantime I can only try to overdose and learn how to cut deeper while trying other methods like hanging and the carbon monoxide method. Death, why won't you pay me a visit? You got Dr Psych Guy baffled because I didn't feel very bad with all the medications I tried to overdose with. Death, you got me running towards your way. But you're so far away. You are so far away.

Am I okay? Will I be okay? I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to recover anymore. I want Death. Sweet Death. I want my well-being practitioner back. Will my mental health team abandon me? Will they leave me like everyone else? Guys, am I okay? Tell me I am strong. Someone help me. I'm lost. I'm so lost.

I know it can be very very difficult but can you try to get some distance between yourself and your thoughts? You are not your thoughts; you are that which is aware of your thoughts. Can you, just for a minute, sit and watch your thoughts like a parade going by? And try to not identify with any of them.

If it helps you can start by first noticing 5 things you see in the room. Then 5 sounds you hear. Then 5 sensations you feel on your body, like the air, your breath and your clothing. This will help you get more into the noticer mode and then you can move on to the thoughts.

Slow deep breaths.

You are OK

 

[SecretDissociation]

I know it can be very very difficult but can you try to get some distance between yourself and your thoughts? You are not your thoughts; you are that which is aware of your thoughts. Can you, just for a minute, sit and watch your thoughts like a parade going by? And try to not identify with any of them.

If it helps you can start by first noticing 5 things you see in the room. Then 5 sounds you hear. Then 5 sensations you feel on your body, like the air, your breath and your clothing. This will help you get more into the noticer mode and then you can move on to the thoughts.

Slow deep breaths.

You are OK

It all just goes by so fast. I've tried the five sensations to no avail :(
I will practice watching my thoughts like you said. Thank you for telling me I am okay <3

 

[withouthope]

It all just goes by so fast. I've tried the five sensations to no avail :(
I will practice watching my thoughts like you said. Thank you for telling me I am okay <3

It takes consistent practice. The more you do it the easier it becomes. The effort is well worth it.