Story I can't see her be happy

[finley.matthewt@gma]

2 weeks ago, I lost the love of my life. We had a trip planned to Paris for May 3rd and she uninvited me 3 weeks ago saying she needed to find herself. I told her we should end things and that this was a sign that we weren't meant to be. I see her posts now and she is in Paris with her ex-boyfriend instead of me. Looking back on things I should have seen the signs coming. This is truly the only girl that has ever come into my life and tried to understand me. We were completely off and on for the entire relationship, but she gave me so many outs to try and fix things. Most of our issues were because of me having BPD. She offered to pay for my therapy, take us to couples therapy, and I just rejected everything. I am filled with so much regret looking at things retrospectively. If I would have had the realizations I have now I would have never ever ever let this girl go. She was fucking perfect. I thought I was never going to lose her. And I took her completely for granted. it's like there's 0 empathy or true love in my heart. I feel like a psychopath. And now I know that I've lost the best girl I'll ever find for the rest of my life. I'm 29 years old and have had many girlfriends so I know what I'm talking about. Seeing her with her ex-boyfriend is absolutely killing me. I don't see myself ever being able to move past this or be happy again. I confronted her about all of this, and it only pushed her away even further. To the point where she is now scared of me and has called my parents and the police on me for threatening to kill myself as a desperate call for any last bit of attention. The worst part is that my family and friends love me so much that I feel like a total selfish prick to do this. I've been through so much suffering in my life, and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm on the brink of having my family 51 50 me. I can see my door being barged in on at any moment. I feel like my final days of being able to do this are right now.

The worst part of all of this is I know that in 1-2 years I could be a totally different person. I just am too dead inside to pick up all of the pieces again and repair myself. I've had my heart completely shattered so many times and it's always so much work to get back to an equilibrium just to have things shattered yet again. I just don't want to do it. I'm stuck living this dreadful life and just slaving away at work. I'm trapped.

 

[DeathIsInevitable]

Time is the best healer my friend. Yes, life can sometimes feel really miserable but then, ups and downs are a part of life. Looks like she isn't happy with you anymore. Some things are never meant to stay forever with us. You've to respect her choice and move on. Take the example of trying to hold sand tightly in your fist. The tighter you hold, the faster it slips. Also, don't you think everything in life is a learning lesson? If you're optimistic about life, your chances of finding another good woman like her are still high. Why do you not believe you won't find anyone like her or better than her?

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Time is the best healer my friend. Yes, life can sometimes feel really miserable but then, ups and downs are a part of life. Looks like she isn't happy with you anymore. Some things are never meant to stay forever with us. You've to respect her choice and move on. Take the example of trying to hold sand tightly in your fist. The tighter you hold, the faster it slips. Also, don't you think everything in life is a learning lesson? If you're optimistic about life, your chances of finding another good woman like her are still high. Why do you not believe you won't find anyone like her or better than her?

This is cope. Time DOES NOT heal. The reason I was so adamant on getting a car and not taking public transport or walking around was because I got robbed 4 times at knifepoint in secondary school. Time didn't heal that shit. Nor did it heal the 4 year long relationship. At 35 it's done. There's no coming back. Time for what? To "meditate" and do nonsense shit. It's like saying "oh you are depressed, just give it time".

What OPs partner did was sub human but that's the vast majority of people. Going forward (if you do) don't get involved with anyone else. Too much materialism, selfishness and global nonsense that it isn't worth it. Just drive around a day and you'll see children out of control, people throw rubbish out their car windows, road rage, etc. You want to gamble and try and find the good 1% of people? You can but the odds are not in your favour.

Believe and fate won't work. It's copium. It's like playing the lottery for "hope". 1 in 97,890,000 isn't hope is near impossibility.

The world is burning anyway. Even if she did come back and you had children or what not, you want to raise kids in this world? You're going to need a lot of money so it isn't exposed to all this shit. My story above stated in Year 7. It's borderline pubity and these two guys pulled a knife for 60 fucking pence in my wallet. North London in the 00s. It's way worse now.

Ranting a bit.

Edit: life isn't ups and down. Some people experience more downs and tiny ups. You need to look at Matthew's Law/Principle. You can't up and down your genetics with depression.

 

[DeathIsInevitable]

This is cope. Time DOES NOT heal. The reason I was so adamant on getting a car and not taking public transport or walking around was because I got robbed 4 times at knifepoint in secondary school. Time didn't heal that shit. Nor did it heal the 4 year long relationship. At 35 it's done. There's no coming back. Time for what? To "meditate" and do nonsense shit. It's like saying "oh you are depressed, just give it time".

What OPs partner did was sub human but that's the vast majority of people. Going forward (if you do) don't get involved with anyone else. Too much materialism, selfishness and global nonsense that it isn't worth it. Just drive around a day and you'll see children out of control, people throw rubbish out their car windows, road rage, etc. You want to gamble and try and find the good 1% of people? You can but the odds are not in your favour.

Believe and fate won't work. It's copium. It's like playing the lottery for "hope". 1 in 97,890,000 isn't hope is near impossibility.

The world is burning anyway. Even if she did come back and you had children or what not, you want to raise kids in this world? You're going to need a lot of money so it isn't exposed to all this shit. My story above stated in Year 7. It's borderline pubity and these two guys pulled a knife for 60 fucking pence in my wallet. North London in the 00s. It's way worse now.

Ranting a bit.

Edit: life isn't ups and down. Some people experience more downs and tiny ups. You need to look at Matthew's Law/Principle. You can't up and down your genetics with depression.

Atleast in my case, time did heal most of the childhood trauma which includes verbal abuses, dysfunctional family and multiple injuries including a TBI while fighting strangers. So you meet disgusting people who possess subhuman behaviour. What are you going to do about it? Why should I let what they do to me affect and clutter my mind forever? Don't I have a life to live and have something to die for? Or should I keep overthinking about something that I can't change. Does that even sound sensible? I can only focus on the controllables and how I perceive life around me. Yes, the world is burning but I necessarily don't have to burn along with the world. Life always presents with a choice. Even if something is inevitable, you can always change the way you look at it. Even if OP doesn't find someone as good as her, they should be able to digest the fact that attaching unreasonable expections on people will always bring misery and suffering. No person is going to fulfill you. Humans are programmed machines who act selfishly. I thought staying optimistic and moving on was OP's best bet and yes, I could be wrong too.

I'm an anti-natalist myself and I agree with your views about the cost of raising children in this world is a pain in the ass.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Atleast in my case, time did heal most of the childhood trauma which includes verbal abuses, dysfunctional family and multiple injuries including a TBI while fighting strangers. So you meet disgusting people who possess subhuman behaviour. What are you going to do about it? Why should I let what they do to me affect and clutter my mind forever? Don't I have a life to live and have something to die for? Or should I keep overthinking about something that I can't change. Does that even sound sensible? I can only focus on the controllables and how I perceive life around me. Yes, the world is burning but I necessarily don't have to burn along with the world. Life always presents with a choice. Even if something is inevitable, you can always change the way you look at it. Even if OP doesn't find someone as good as her, they should be able to digest the fact that attaching unreasonable expections on people will always bring misery and suffering. No person is going to fulfill you. Humans are programmed machines who act selfishly. I thought staying optimistic and moving on was OP's best bet and yes, I could be wrong too.

I'm an anti-natalist myself and I agree with your views about the cost of raising children in this world is a pain in the ass.

Don't overthink something? You're have no idea. Autism and high IQ and my brain can't shut off (I explained this to fucking doctors and they have no results) and you're telling me to stop my brain from firing all the time? Dog shit genetics also gave me cancer as well - really fun time.

You're definitely the type to "think positive" and everything will change. Some things don't change. You want to change the chemical makeup of my brain so its stops firing? Sleeping is a problem as it won't shut off.

Your "advice" is YOUR experience. Not OPs. Even the stuff I put I said call it a day and not move on but just don't deal with people because they are generally cunts and not there to help (including me). I can relate but my partner did the same shit (minus the cheating) and that was my 1st relationship so no I wasn't whoring around and trying to catch lots of diseases (that's not me).

Life is misery and suffering. There are specs of "content".

You say you are anti-natalist but talk like a pro lifer.

Edit: "at least in my case" your case doesn't mean it's a mirror to everyone on the planet.