Venting i cant read.....

[Life_and_Death]

i havent been able to read since i was about 17-18.
i was a type that always had a book on her.. i could read a ~400 page book in a day.......
i was studying for my GED......

and then my dissociation hit like a mack truck with a cement wall attached to the front.......
and that was it.......
my world literally went black....and stayed black......i was in a constant state of dissociation for yrs......(it actually caused an argument with my first therapist because she refused to listen, which led to me getting a new one.)
and ever since i havent been able to hold on to the words......
i had to stop studying because i couldnt remember what i was learning......
i had to stop reading because i couldnt remember what i read.......

its been years....my dissociation has cleared up a lot
throughout the years.......maybe i was stupid......but ive been buying books.......ive been hopeful...that maybe one day.......
and i still cant.......i tried again the last couple days......
my last straw was last night..when i tried to read and my harassing neighbor had their music going at 11pm (or something like that. all i know is it was past "bedtime"). anyone that reads knows outside shit like that doesnt help someone without issues, forget someone trying to overcome issues.....but as long as they have their quality of life im told. forget that im suicidal and have zero quality. as long as they fucking have theirs.......




"i dont understand why you want to kys"........i fucking hate humans.........................
i didnt dissociate out of no where......it was caused by f'en humans......
i dont optionally stay in a state of "f this"......its just constantly proven that i should by f'en humans.......
im trying and trying and trying and.....my hardwork means shit fuck all.....because of other humans.....

which is me also ranting because my grades hurt too......
i was straight As/Bs... i was on the honour roll.......
and then i got kicked out because of a couple months of bad grades
CAUSED FROM ABUSE!!!
10-12 years of hardwork.....for shit fuck all...........
despite the big waving red flag.....
despite me walking out screaming "i guess i wont be back, i dont have parents"......
nothing was done.....nothing was looked into.......

im so sick of this fucking life.............
i didnt do anything...........
what!? im sorry i was born!!!!!?????
everything hurts..........

 

[Life_and_Death]

@jar-baby @Redacted24 (and anyone else that might react after this.)

thank you, i could really use the hugs rn....

 

[Redacted24]

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It hurts to realize how hard you've tried and to not have the underlying issues acknowledged by others, much less given the support you should have been given.

I've been a reader my whole life but when things started to get bad for me about 10-15 years ago I lost interest and desire to do that. I have so many books surrounding me, like old friends, I can't bear to part with them. But still couldn't open one.

About a year ago someone I know out of the blue told me she just finished a young adult book (like for early teen readers). It's not my usual genre! But I borrowed it from her and it was surprisingly good.

I read a few more of them over the last couple of years and somehow now I'm reading my usual more substantial titles.

Yeah distractions like noisy neighbors are not great. Do you have access to a library, where you can sit peacefully and with calmer surroundings? Or other places?

Hope you can rediscover this missing part of who you are... and what you enjoy

 

[jar-baby]

I'm really sorry. I've been in a constant state of dissociation for years and can relate to other parts of your post too. I think it's great that you're trying to read again. I hope it will become easier.



I'm sure you're doing so already but you can try to ease yourself into it by reading easier and shorter works first. Maybe a book you really liked when you were a child? Short stories are good too.

 

[Hollowman]

I have the same problem I used to love to read. Aphantasia stole that from me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I have the same problem I used to love to read. Aphantasia stole that from me.

i can see how that can be an issue. at least for me it certainly wouldnt be as entertaining (i dont know how much it would effect remembering the story, maybe different depending on the person?)

I'm sure you're doing so already but you can try to ease yourself into it by reading easier and shorter works first. Maybe a book you really liked when you were a child? Short stories are good too.

thank you youre right. ive been meaning to get "level 2" books (example). i didnt think to drop in the book store last time i was out, maybe it wouldnt hurt.....
i was trying to read "Canadian business for dummies" and couldnt get into the first page (hopefully going to open a bakery so it seemed good for me......but i guess im not ready.....).

Do you have access to a library, where you can sit peacefully and with calmer surroundings? Or other places?

i wish i did but with my anorexia recovery, and taking care of who i live with, i cant really go anywhere or do much...i need to be here in case i need to change bandages, or for myself if i need food/the energy it takes to get there. i was just sick 2 days ago....

.•° ✿ °•. °•. ✿ .•° .•° ✿ °•.

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thank you for the support everyone. even if all you did was leave a reaction, it means a lot.