Pancake
Member
- Feb 17, 2023
- 56
Every night (almost every night), when there is nothing to distract me from my grievances, I fall into a deep depression. I feel stuck, almost like I have sleep paralysis. I need to move, need to get up, and finish what I've been procrastinating all day to do. But I can't; something compels me to be as still as I can possibly manage. It's hard to describe. It's a mix of wanting to, having to, but not being able to move. I feel burdened just by the thought of closing my eyes.
The feelings that accompany me when I am like this vary. "Sometimes" it is peaceful; I do not feel or think of anything. I might as well be sleeping. I can feel every breath I take, every involuntary twitch, and the movement of my eyes as they dart across my wall. When I am alone like this, I can't help but think of every one of my mistakes. Their consequences haunt me and bog me down. It's as if my anxiety manifests itself and sits on my shoulders. It's heavy.
As I lay there, my heart beats louder. The pain would be at its peak, but still, I do not move. I am afraid to. I stop myself from crying so the spasms of my lungs do not shake me, but I am still in pain. I remember everyone that I hurt, and every mistake I made and I wallow in it. I fear that if I move, I will never be forgiven. Though, I can never atone for my mistakes because there is no possible way that I can. Every step I try to take, I trip and fall two steps back without even managing to take the first step. It feels hopeless, and I have nearly given up.
The feelings that accompany me when I am like this vary. "Sometimes" it is peaceful; I do not feel or think of anything. I might as well be sleeping. I can feel every breath I take, every involuntary twitch, and the movement of my eyes as they dart across my wall. When I am alone like this, I can't help but think of every one of my mistakes. Their consequences haunt me and bog me down. It's as if my anxiety manifests itself and sits on my shoulders. It's heavy.
As I lay there, my heart beats louder. The pain would be at its peak, but still, I do not move. I am afraid to. I stop myself from crying so the spasms of my lungs do not shake me, but I am still in pain. I remember everyone that I hurt, and every mistake I made and I wallow in it. I fear that if I move, I will never be forgiven. Though, I can never atone for my mistakes because there is no possible way that I can. Every step I try to take, I trip and fall two steps back without even managing to take the first step. It feels hopeless, and I have nearly given up.
