Venting I (can't) live for you

[Loli]

Few weeks ago I had a very short time of improvement. Back then I decided that I will keep living for my friends. And parents maybe.
Unfortunately that single spark has been consumed by the darkness just like any other reason to live I ever had.

Got back to my basic condition, spiraling downwards like always.

And I feel like a piece of shit for making such promises. If there is one feeling that is more powerful than my love towards them it would surely be despair.
Making them happy feels good, but they don't spend the whole time in my head. If they're not around, which is most of the time, I'm all alone with my thoughts. And all my thoughts are yearning for death. During those long hours I'm unable to fulfill my "duty" by summoning a smile on their face, hating every second, hating myself. Everyday I force myself to do things like others, except, to me all of it is fucking pointless because I no longer see my future.

I came up to conclusion that living a miserable life for someone else's sake is utterly sad. And every prolifer who's reading this, every person who feels hurt because someone close "abandoned" them by suicide, I want you to get this message. Fixing people is not your job. Making you happy is not our job.
For the past few months I was functioning just because I didn't want to make a fuss or upset anyone. I was observing myself moving lower and lower on their priority list. AND THATS OKAY. Really. But...

If your only purpose is living for someone who is free to leave any moment it feels like dying every time it actually happens.

I'm really stupid.

 

[sadbunny]

TLDR

but I've tried living for others and it's nearly impossible, the expectations are hard to uphold

 

[whyidon'tknow]

Yep. I'm here because I don't want to hurt my friends and family. Then I realized that is a really shitty reason to still be here.

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi.
I really dont think you are stupid at all but rather a realist.
Someone that has gone to the depths of depression and is feeling all the emotions and frustrations it brings.
I agree that we cannot live for others (apart from having young children ) because we must want to live for ourselves.
I know that feeling of dragging yourself through the day and how it all seems so pointless when we cannot see a future.
You are not alone.
It sounds like you have some nice friends and family whom love and care about you and you have shown this in return by trying to recover and taking their feelings into consideration.
I wish i had some great words of wisdom for you but i am feeling the same atm but i send hugs and hope you can find some relief and peace soon.

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

It's hard living for other people when you're going through so much, yet you love them so dearly. It's hard leaving them behind too. At the end of the day it's just a matter of which choice is harder, and which one you think you should make.

I'm not at all happy, having to leave people behind. Especially my mother, and I wish I could keep going for her sake. It's not so simple though, and I'll most likely CTB very soon. All I can do then is hope that somehow she, and everyone else, will be okay.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Wow, you put my exact position into words. I'm so sorry you're going through the same

Reading this helps me realize my situation isn't sustainable, I need to kill myself to get out of it. I don't see any other path for me.

 

[not_a_robot]

TLDR

but I've tried living for others and it's nearly impossible, the expectations are hard to uphold

Living for others is a false ideal that others talk about because they think it increases their social capital. In reality all they can think of is getting the fuck away from each other. 90% of neurotypicals mental energy is expended on simply deceiving the people they claim to "live for." They find it "exciting".

Don't feel bad. It's just a big practical joke they all play on each other. We all fall for it, at some point.

 

[RM5998]

I only know how to live for others. Never learned how to live for myself. And it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it's a bad idea, a part of me can never stop looking for their validation.

 

[GinaIsReady]

Few weeks ago I had a very short time of improvement. Back then I decided that I will keep living for my friends. And parents maybe.
Unfortunately that single spark has been consumed by the darkness just like any other reason to live I ever had.

Got back to my basic condition, spiraling downwards like always.

And I feel like a piece of shit for making such promises. If there is one feeling that is more powerful than my love towards them it would surely be despair.
Making them happy feels good, but they don't spend the whole time in my head. If they're not around, which is most of the time, I'm all alone with my thoughts. And all my thoughts are yearning for death. During those long hours I'm unable to fulfill my "duty" by summoning a smile on their face, hating every second, hating myself. Everyday I force myself to do things like others, except, to me all of it is fucking pointless because I no longer see my future.

I came up to conclusion that living a miserable life for someone else's sake is utterly sad. And every prolifer who's reading this, every person who feels hurt because someone close "abandoned" them by suicide, I want you to get this message. Fixing people is not your job. Making you happy is not our job.
For the past few months I was functioning just because I didn't want to make a fuss or upset anyone. I was observing myself moving lower and lower on their priority list. AND THATS OKAY. Really. But...

If your only purpose is living for someone who is free to leave any moment it feels like dying every time it actually happens.

I'm really stupid.

I don't think any of that or you are stupid in the least. You just regret something you said. I have done that exact same thing multiple times. It's part of the process, right? That's separate from wanting to exit, which I totally get. :)

Living for others is a false ideal that others talk about because they think it increases their social capital. In reality all they can think of is getting the fuck away from each other. 90% of neurotypicals mental energy is expended on simply deceiving the people they claim to "live for." They find it "exciting".

Don't feel bad. It's just a big practical joke they all play on each other. We all fall for it, at some point.

I love your raw perspective and language.