bear_trapped
taking it one day at a time
- Feb 13, 2020
- 70
i dont know why but i suddenly got the urge to clean my depression room this morning. it's still not the best but it's definitely better than it was before so i'm at least a little proud of that. i should've stopped before i cleaned under my bed though, because i forgot about the box i try to avoid at all costs. it has everything i still own from my ex. she broke up with me two years ago, and i understand why and can't blame her. we dated for almost two years and she's the only person i've ever loved but my depression and suicidal thoughts randomly came during our relationship. i changed into a completely different person that no longer saw any value in my own life. i never wanted to hurt her but i can't imagine how awful it must've been to watch me go from a happy and semi popular teenager to a very depressed and moody person that pushes everyone away. i had such a good thing and i completely ruined it, she was one in a million. nobody has ever been this patient with me while i was struggling at my lowest. i don't think i've ever fucked up this badly in my life and i wish i could take it back everyday, she didn't deserve anything i made her deal with. i tried reaching out to apologize but i guess i should've figured i'd get left on read. i don't have it in me to throw anything in the box away, but it feels stupid to keep it when i just cry everytime i open it and read the notes we'd pass in class, or the hand written cards, or the the bear she made me in carpentry class. even all the rings and bracelets we shared are still in there. every little thing. it really sucks that i can't let go of any of this stuff, but i'm too sentimental about everything to ever get rid of it. i just hope maybe one day i'll feel loved like that again and i'll stop searching for her in every person i meet. i guess these things take time but i feel like i've been holding on for too long. i'm tired
