I can’t keep doing this shit

[Water-Lily]

don't let the slip become a slide

don't let the slip become a slide

don't let the slip become a fucking slide

But what if I want it to?

I'm tired of having a suicidal episode where I implode on myself, take it out on those around me, and then I have to pull it out my ass to keep going anyways

I hate surviving. It's bullshit

Doesn't help that wherever I go, today especially, I'm surrounded by people better than me

I realize more and more that I'm the only one with severe cptsd like trauma shit. I'm surrounded by people with good childhood, healthy mental health (at least enough to be social) and people in relationships

Things I'll never have

I self sabotage to sporadically to ever be wirh someoen romantically

If I can't manage to love myself or put effort into serious trauma healing, I'll be a celibate for life

I also won't be able to maintain friendships becuase who likes a mentally unstable person who acts fine, then crashes, and refuses to talk about it

People with cptsd cannot live. Expected to try a shit ton of medications and therapies just to feel ok

I didn't ask to be on this stupid journey and do all this shit. Why do I have to sit with some shrink and face shit I'd rather leave in the back of my head? Becuase I know it'll catch up to me but what do I care?

I don't want to come out of this a "fighter" or "strong". For once in a life time, I want my slip to become a slide

Becuase then the suffering will stop. At the end of the slide is death

 

[Slipkorn]

This reads like an old Slipknot song. If you just balance the words out, and make some rhyming to it, fucking mint.

For most of my life I convinced myself I could never CTB simply to observe the beautiful world were in. Well, man destroyed this world, and it sickens me. Now it's the other way around, why do I need to be in this world as it is? Greed drives it all. People who live in "third world countries" don't have the suicide rates like we do in the modern world. Imagine getting to do what you want, and not having to make someone else happy for a paycheck, just to feed the pockets of some bank that decided you live on their land.

cptsd is a bitch. I've never been diagnosed, but I sure as hell have some symptoms and understand that shit. Best you got is a placebo effect, convince yourself that it doesn't matter. Everything will be fine, possibly indefinitely. Until that moment it isn't again.

I'm in my 30's and am a celibate. I think the hardest part is being 100% responsible for yourself. There's no one to run to. No one to tell you "hey you should see a doctor" or "Just tell me what you need". I'm starting to realize avoiding medical tratment is a form of self harm, and I've been doing it for years.

 

[Water-Lily]

This reads like an old Slipknot song. If you just balance the words out, and make some rhyming to it, fucking mint.

For most of my life I convinced myself I could never CTB simply to observe the beautiful world were in. Well, man destroyed this world, and it sickens me. Now it's the other way around, why do I need to be in this world as it is? Greed drives it all. People who live in "third world countries" don't have the suicide rates like we do in the modern world. Imagine getting to do what you want, and not having to make someone else happy for a paycheck, just to feed the pockets of some bank that decided you live on their land.

cptsd is a bitch. I've never been diagnosed, but I sure as hell have some symptoms and understand that shit. Best you got is a placebo effect, convince yourself that it doesn't matter. Everything will be fine, possibly indefinitely. Until that moment it isn't again.

I'm in my 30's and am a celibate. I think the hardest part is being 100% responsible for yourself. There's no one to run to. No one to tell you "hey you should see a doctor" or "Just tell me what you need". I'm starting to realize avoiding medical tratment is a form of self harm, and I've been doing it for years.

its not in the DSM so many people arent getting diagnosed

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful and tiring what you have to endure, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[Gaga786]

This is exactly how I always feel– the feeling that that everyone else is thriving, whereas we struggle with our inner demons and traumas. All of my peers and abusers are thriving because they had a good childhood. Yes, they might have had problems or some trauma but at least they don't have to think about CTBing each day and are functioning pretty well. Whatever they had or suffered, it seems they are coping well. I am the only 'freak' as they think in our entire family and yet I am the one who has to be drugged and spend enormous amount of money on therapy just to cope with my trauma. What aboiut the rest ?
Im sorry for rambling. It's just I understand your situation really well and it resonates me because im suffering through the same thing. I hope you find the inner peace that you deserve