LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
It's about as official as it gets.
I tried, I really tried.
I threw almost everything, barring my life itself, or the small rest of what I own, at trying to fix this.
I sold almost everything I owned to procure funds.
I consulted with many lawyers.
I wrote a letter as advised, I headed to the border as advised, I even applied for a new visa - of which the appointment was today in fact.
I understood all these were low to no chance.
Most of them make me feel cringe, I wish I had the guts at the time (start of the year) to do my own thing - the chances of success would have been higher.
But I did them all anyway.
Letter responseless - refusal of admission at the border (that was my "miracle attempt" end of September) - visa denied
In the last one, the consular officer even made sure to scribble over my old visa so it couldn't possibly be re-used (I'm guessing this functionally won't make any difference tbf)
"Get rid of my Green Card to drive myself to commit suicide".
What an insane thing to do.
What a hateful thing to do.
I soaked in all that trauma of exclusion, of endless messaging that I shouldn't exist... and I let it win, for one moment too long.
I gotta hand it to you, August 2022 self...
It's working.
There is only one thing I could possibly still try, and it is the most dangerous, balls-to-the-wall risky thing I could ever do.
(and no, I don't mean anything illegal.
That is a line I'd rather die than cross)
I mean, I really don't even want to.
Risking my whole physical safety?
Risking exposing myself to EXACTLY the trauma that caused all these issues in the very beginning? (indefinite confinement)
Oddly enough, my emotional response has not been as intense as I'd expected.
Practising hanging yesterday gave me an unusual amount of confidence and sense of safety for today.
I mean, the rope's tough embrace was so unexpectedly serene, yeah?
I still cried and panicked knowing that, well, I'm disappearing soon, aren't I... ?
That's sad. I really began to like myself, finally...
I began to expel all the internalized hatred that in hindsight, I didn't deserve.
I began to finally deny the narrative, drilled into me since childhood, that none of my suffering was valid, that others always have it worse or are more important.
I have a better and better, clearer and clearer sense of how I should have lived, many vivid, concrete ideas of what I could have done.
But, well, maybe peace is just better for me!
I don't even recognize this world anymore!
There is so much joy, so much wonder!
So much to love!
Yet we treat each other like shit, for the pettiest reasons!
And people like me, are...
We're in such danger, just for the way we are!
We can barely participate, just for the way we are!
It breaks my heart! I'm so sad!
Even if I got to still do okay, most of us are in so much pain that I don't even get to interact with my own kind!
I don't hate myself for being born this way anymore, since having lived in the States!
I don't want to be any other way!
I'm so comfortable being a trans woman...
It makes me happy to be myself.
I don't want to be someone else, something else, somewhere else, not of my own choosing!
If I have to go now...
At least I'll go with a good sense of what I wanted to be, even if I'll never get more than those 3 years and 11 months to live it out... Cruel...
But if I go, maybe I get a do-over?
Low to no chance, yeah?
The fact that I even remotely feel ANY semblance of peace right now is already a miracle.
Once again, thank you all so much.
I wouldn't AT ALL know what to do without this forum.
I'd be all alone.
And I wouldn't know how to reliably give myself these backup options of peaceful, permanent relief.
I love this forum and its people.
I hope we can all, eventually, find each of our peace.
I tried, I really tried.
I threw almost everything, barring my life itself, or the small rest of what I own, at trying to fix this.
I sold almost everything I owned to procure funds.
I consulted with many lawyers.
I wrote a letter as advised, I headed to the border as advised, I even applied for a new visa - of which the appointment was today in fact.
I understood all these were low to no chance.
Most of them make me feel cringe, I wish I had the guts at the time (start of the year) to do my own thing - the chances of success would have been higher.
But I did them all anyway.
Letter responseless - refusal of admission at the border (that was my "miracle attempt" end of September) - visa denied
In the last one, the consular officer even made sure to scribble over my old visa so it couldn't possibly be re-used (I'm guessing this functionally won't make any difference tbf)
"Get rid of my Green Card to drive myself to commit suicide".
What an insane thing to do.
What a hateful thing to do.
I soaked in all that trauma of exclusion, of endless messaging that I shouldn't exist... and I let it win, for one moment too long.
I gotta hand it to you, August 2022 self...
It's working.
There is only one thing I could possibly still try, and it is the most dangerous, balls-to-the-wall risky thing I could ever do.
(and no, I don't mean anything illegal.
That is a line I'd rather die than cross)
I mean, I really don't even want to.
Risking my whole physical safety?
Risking exposing myself to EXACTLY the trauma that caused all these issues in the very beginning? (indefinite confinement)
Oddly enough, my emotional response has not been as intense as I'd expected.
Practising hanging yesterday gave me an unusual amount of confidence and sense of safety for today.
I mean, the rope's tough embrace was so unexpectedly serene, yeah?
I still cried and panicked knowing that, well, I'm disappearing soon, aren't I... ?
That's sad. I really began to like myself, finally...
I began to expel all the internalized hatred that in hindsight, I didn't deserve.
I began to finally deny the narrative, drilled into me since childhood, that none of my suffering was valid, that others always have it worse or are more important.
I have a better and better, clearer and clearer sense of how I should have lived, many vivid, concrete ideas of what I could have done.
But, well, maybe peace is just better for me!
I don't even recognize this world anymore!
There is so much joy, so much wonder!
So much to love!
Yet we treat each other like shit, for the pettiest reasons!
And people like me, are...
We're in such danger, just for the way we are!
We can barely participate, just for the way we are!
It breaks my heart! I'm so sad!
Even if I got to still do okay, most of us are in so much pain that I don't even get to interact with my own kind!
I don't hate myself for being born this way anymore, since having lived in the States!
I don't want to be any other way!
I'm so comfortable being a trans woman...
It makes me happy to be myself.
I don't want to be someone else, something else, somewhere else, not of my own choosing!
If I have to go now...
At least I'll go with a good sense of what I wanted to be, even if I'll never get more than those 3 years and 11 months to live it out... Cruel...
But if I go, maybe I get a do-over?
Low to no chance, yeah?
The fact that I even remotely feel ANY semblance of peace right now is already a miracle.
Once again, thank you all so much.
I wouldn't AT ALL know what to do without this forum.
I'd be all alone.
And I wouldn't know how to reliably give myself these backup options of peaceful, permanent relief.
I love this forum and its people.
I hope we can all, eventually, find each of our peace.
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